I have been thinking about what H said last night. He has supposedly switched his mind set from "can't live with you/can't live without you" to "I want to be with you so now I am trying to find a way for that to happen". I still don't know how he thinks adding in a new home renovation and split custody of the kids is going to allow him to do that....
It isn't that I want him to move back home yet. Because there is so much that would need to be figured out if we really tried again. I can't get back with him unless/until I know it is for the right reasons and will 'stick' this time....I just think it is a little presumptive on his part that if we work things out I will just move into his house instead of the other way around. But his p.o.v. is that his house will be totally remodeled and updated (and he is GREAT at that by the way!), while mine will still have its 1980s cabinets, counters, light fixtures, etc. Plus his house is much larger, with 3 beds upstairs instead of 2 and a larger basement.
I haven't contacted him at all today. Last night when he left he said he was coming over tonight (it is his night on the calendar)so I will just see what he decides to do with himself.
Don't jump back into anything. He needs to prove himself to you with some consistency here. Yes, you went out with the girls, had a good time at the casino without him, bought sexy undies for some unknown reason. You could actually be a hot chick and not just some boring old housewife. But then again, he could move back home and start the cycle all over again. Just stay the hot babe that you are, and keep your distance. The mystery is working.
I am jumping into nothing. That is what I said to H and then sort of hoped I didn't say too much. I told him last night he is right he is running low on time b/c I am patient but there are limits to what I will sacrifice without getting anything in return...
I also said that if he really wanted to try to make it work there would be actions to follow, like calling me more or making time for the two of us without the kids. I told him that would be entirely up to him if he wanted it to happen and I dropped the subject.
Actually I referenced Retro. There was one exercise on values vs. ideals or something like that. It said if you call something a value but you don't take active steps to make it happen, it was really an ideal. Like "I value physical fitness" but you never work out or bother to eat right, then it is an ideal, not a value. I can't remember if those were the right words, I know "ideal" was but not sure on the other one. So anyway I mentioned that exercise from the post-session, he said he remembered it. I just said "That is what you will have to do, show that this is not just an 'ideal' but something you want to make happen."
Anyway I am not jumping into anything even though my mind was considering the ramifications if said jump should occur in the future. I am living like we are not together b/c the fact is, at this time, we are not...
wow BBJ....Dan goes out and buys a home and now wants back in? I am shaking my head here. I really believe that he has some issues. This is not a TV show or board game. But like I said to a friend of ours, it's all about you being happy BBJ.
If i can make one suggestion BBJ: I think I jumped back in way too early...maybe it screwed up our chances...maybe not. If I had to do it all over again, I would have played hard to get when my stbx wanted back in.
I can see sara and john "worrying" a bit about you being too "easy",... again, if I may add. I have to confess I am too. He just said a couple of words. Nothing more, nothing less. His actions so far speak louder. As my C said, "this time you will be resposnsible for hurting the kids as well, 50-50, not just him". So, if you need something to hold on to, and not drift away with thoughts that are cheeseless tunnels UNTIL Dan decides to be a real man, think of Nathan and how he reacted when you wold him the second time you are separating... It's the time for him to show he deserves you. Dont sell yourself short... K
If i can make one suggestion BBJ: I think I jumped back in way too early...maybe it screwed up our chances...maybe not. If I had to do it all over again, I would have played hard to get when my stbx wanted back in.
I agree
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
If i can make one suggestion BBJ: I think I jumped back in way too early...maybe it screwed up our chances...maybe not. If I had to do it all over again, I would have played hard to get when my stbx wanted back in.
I agree 100%! I think I did the same thing. Please take time and space while you have the chance. Dan has to face himself and change himself before he could ever be a proper H again.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I am taking my time and space. As far as I am concerned, we are separated, b.c. we are! He doesn't live here and is buying a new house. And he seems to think that once he has it all remodeled I will want to move in with him...
I am not taking the lead here. That is what he is used to me doing, and I will not do it anymore. I didn't walk away so I am not going to chase him down and carry him back home, so to speak. It is funny I was saying on this board Sunday that if he wants to tell me something, he knows where to find me. And then lo and behold I got the 2 texts about him wanting 'us' again.
But of course there has been nothing since then. I mean he was here last night but it was nothing unusual. And Nathan was up all night throwing up last night, I texted H and let him know and then he called and texted several times this morning to check on us. But again that is not unusual.
I am not going to do anything other than continue walking down my road myself with my kids. If he wants my attention, he will have to find a way to get it.
But I totally understand all of the concern. I normally jump at these things. Old BBJ would have had my list/chart/whatever all lined up for him last night, "You said you want 'us' back, here is the path", etc.....
I didn't do that this time and I won't. It has never worked. This time if anything happens it has to be b/c he wants it enough to make it happen...
He called me at school all irritated. To start the financial separations, I had moved all of our savings into our checking in the Kansas City account and closed out the savings account. Then I was just going to write a check out of the checking for my 'half' of our $ to put in my new account.
Well after I shut down the savings Dan asked me not to take out my half of checking until he closed on the house Jan 30 so no eyebrows were raised at his loan company....
However he gave me his entire bonus check (it was quite large, more than half my teacher salary) to put into my new account I was opening in Glenwood. He told me to go ahead and open that account with the bonus check so I did on Friday.
Well his closing got postponed, it didn't happen last Friday.
And now, apparently his loan people are questioning him about why our savings account 'disappeared', why the money is now in the checking account. And because they still consider me in the equation since we aren't divorced, they are asking him why I just opened an account in Glenwood and where did that money come from??
So he was all in a snit and said if I hadn't moved the money around this wouldn't have happened...
I calmly reminded him that he TOLD me to open the account in Glenwood. And I said to just tell them we closed out the savings acct. because we are getting ready to move our money into a local bank now that we have moved, which is true.
I think something is up. Do you really think a loan company would get that freaked? So what if the savings account is closed, all of that money went into checking so its the same amount of money, just one fewer account...
He was talking like the whole deal could be canceled over this and he would not get the house.
