Hi J, It seems like you've been on quite a journey with your M...and I'm impressed to see that you have Piecing as your final item in your profile.
Tough questions do remain - and sometimes, when I look at my baby boy, my heart just aches at the thought that his mother and I no longer love one another. I look at him, and I apologize to him that the mistakes of adults should impact him so - and at such a young age - and I do still cry over how this divorce will impact his life as he gets older.
That said, I also look toward my older son - and see what a remarkable child he is - and I marvel at how close we are - the things we talk about - the things he shares with me. My S11 often tells me that he can talk about things with me that he can't talk about with anyone else - and that he feels safer with me than with anyone else. Hearing him say those things reminds me that I can and will be a good father to my baby boy as he grows older - because my relationships with their mothers (wow...what an odd thing to have to write) does not impact my relationships with my children.
I don't say it often - perhaps I haven't said it very explicitly here - but B was emotionally abusive of my S11. She had been for years - and her attitude was just one of the many things that would often lead to arguments for us. I would stand up for my son, she would accuse me of not respecting her, and my son would get withdrawn and sad...Since B has moved out, my S11 had opened up a lot to me about how she treated him - in fact, recently, when I asked him how he would feel if I ever met someone else he responded by telling me that I shouldn't worry about him, because he would be fine - that he thought I should worry about his baby brother - because he didn't want his brother to have to deal with someone that treated him the way B had treated my S11. Just writing that is making my eyes water and my heart hurt...
(I knew, I knew she treated you badly...and I am so sorry that I did not do more to shield you from her...Forgive me, son)
Those words go out to my son - and I have spoken them to him as well - and I wrote them here because it is something I have to remember about B...even when I loved her, when I saw her as the most beautiful woman I had ever known, and marveled at her many gifts...I knew that she treated my son badly...and it took me too long to ask her to move out...and now, when I think about her journey, I want her to improve, I want her to find happiness, I want her to have a fulfilling life - but I do not want her around my older son anymore. Of course, she made him happy at times, she made incredible Halloween costumes for him and she loved him as best she could...but she never thought there was anything wrong with how she treated him - in fact, before she moved out she told me that I had an unnatural love for my son and that my love for him isn't normal because I put him above her. I can't have that person back in my life anymore. I forgive her. But I know that she is unhealthy for me - and, worse, unhealthy for my older son.
If she weren't behaving as she does now, if we had an amicable, respectful understanding that we are not right for one another...then, yes, I would suggest a closure ceremony. As it is, there is nothing that makes me want to connect with her - even for a sense of closure.
