It sounds to me like you are obsessed with yourself, not with her.
How she can make your feelings be whatever it is you want them to be. Your concern about the name-calling incident seems to be more about YOUR feelings now, than HERS. Like you just want her to make you feel better about what you did. So you don't have to feel this way anymore.
How much do you perceive her to be the source of your emotions?
As far as feeling sorry for yourself goes, that's about the most unattractive mindset you can be in, if you want your W back. As Dr Phil would say.."how's that workin for ya.?"
Ditto what breakaway and Puppy said.... and by the way, you never really answered my question about your apology to her. I mean, she said she was sorry and that she is glad she got you back....but did YOU apologize for your anger and name calling? We assumed you did...but you never said so.
Did you? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sandi You say it's ok for her to talk to OM W. But my divorce busters coach says that if it hurts me that I should tell her like that.
I looked back at my posts and did not see where I said that. Maybe it was somebody else b/c I do not think she should talk to the OM's wife. And, I agree with the DB coach. If it hurts you, then she does not need to do it, plus, it cannot "help" the stitch at all, it only can confuse it by her talking to the W. I did say that the less said about the rings and her talking to the OM's W, the better, but I did not mean that it was okay for her to talk to OM's W. Perhaps that is what you thought I meant. I apologize if it confused you b/c I only was trying to get you to let things die down for a while before it continued to build out of control. You were already so upset about the rings and everything all together. If she does call the OM's W again.......then I would talk to her about it. But, try to be in a very calm frame of mind or it will turn into a ugly fight. B/c I think at this point in time that she is lashing back at you for hurting her in your anger.
I don't see this so much as her "testing" you, as much as I see two people who are very hurt at each other and now both of you are in this vicious circle which will grow to be a monster. One of you must be the bigger person here and stop it or you will end up in a D. She hurts you and you lash out at her b/c of your pain, so then she is mad and does something else to hurt you and round & round it goes. It will snowball until it will be much harder later to put a stop to it and try to heal & forgive (b/c there will be much more to forgive by then, than there is now), so you need to do it now. Hope I got myself straightened out
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I did say I was sorry but she said she didn't want to hear it. So I stopped. Usually by now we have a talk and she tells me how I hurt her. So far no talk. Just akwardness. She's come out of it a little but nothing to hang my hat on. So for now I just wait and eat crow for what I said. This I expect. The wait is the killer of the whole thing. I am obsessed about me. I didn't ask for these problems. Yes, I was hurt deeply and at first she tried to do things to make everything ok but I didn't take to it. I still wanted answers to my questions and for that it furthered my anger when she didn't tell me anything. So I'm trying to be myself. Like before without feeling sorry for myself. Trying hard to move on and not obsess but its hard. Now that I've pushed her what do I do to make things right? Wait and see and hope time heals her pain? Say something? Anyway my head hurts and I'm getting to the point of being tired of all of this crap. Guess whatever happens happens. Not sure why she returned call back to OM w. Tired of guessing. Tired of it all. Now WHat?
Jon, we know you are hurt very badly. You sound as exhusted as you are hurt. This kind of thing drains a person of all their energy. If you are a Christian, I would give you some spiritual advise and maybe some scripture....if you want. If not, then I would tell you to try to back off as best as you can to take an emotional break from what you are going through. Even if you have to go somewhere for a few days, that would be better than making a decision or action out of the state you are in right now. People often file for a D when they are in the emotional and physical condition that you are feeling simply b/c they are so frazzled with all of it they are desparate for relief and they don't know of any other way to get it. Let that be your last option. I'm not telling you to separate, but just to go somewhere for a few days to rest and get out away from it, would be better. I would even go as far as to say separate first before going straight for divorce court. I don't understand why people now days think they have to just go file for a divorce before staying away from each other and give time a chance to do some work.
If it sounded like we were being tough on you, I guess we tend to be that way at times b/c we talk to a lot of people here. We can see it from an outside POV and just tell it as we see it. When the person in the stitch is already frustrated, hurt, angry, and ready to call it quits, I can see where hearing what we say could be hard on the ears. But, do know that we all care and are concerned and most of us shoot from the hip b/c we believe in getting down to serious business of trying to bust a divorce if possible, so we don't mess around with "fluff" as one of our favorite people would say.
I hope you won't stop coming here b/c believe it or not......you will get stronger as you continue to post. We have heard so many men sound as you are right now and it is heart breaking to know how you must be feeling. It is easy for us to sit at our computers and tell you what we do, but remember that we all have been in some type of stitch ourselves, so we can tell you what we do from our own experience of pain.
Please don't give up, Jon. We want you to hang in here with us and even if you take a day or two away from the board, please come back and let us hear from you.....okay?
Take care of yourself. Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Jon, Sandi has given you some very good advice. Please take it to heart and try to stop making things harder on yourself.
From my own point of view and experience I would say that frequently a S that is carrying guilt (like I believe your W is) will use or create any situation to feel something other than their self inflicted pain. Sort of...yes, what she did was wrong and she feels very bad about it, but she can also now "turn the tables" on you (because you called her a bad name) so that the issue is no longer all about her.
When partners are locked in this type of emotional upheaval, many things get said, and actions are taken that you normally would not do. Sandi is telling you to give yourself a break, and that is probably the best advice that you have been given. However you need to step out of the situation, do it now, for a bit. Let the waters get calm.
I also want to remind you to go easy on yourself. Yes, you called your W a bad name. It happends. My H and I had some nasty fights this past year and he was the one that had the A. His need to stop feeling his pain often caused him to pick and push my buttons until I would lose control and explode. Then things were "my fault."
Things are much better now, but first we had to get to a place where each of us could be calm, even if not at the same time. I took several long weekend trips out of town with family and friends, and it helped.
Hope that some of this will help you. You are doing the best that you can.
Sending you hugs.
Last edited by 1hope; 01/29/0901:09 PM.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
Jon, just wanted to let you know that we would like to hear how things are going by now. How are you holding up? Have you talked any more to the DB coach?
Take care of yourself.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry everyone for not responding sooner. My power supply went out on my pc and it took a couple of days for me to fix it. I'm back now. Just now the OM W called and said she is coming over to see my W. My W is painting at our new house and doesn't know this. So what should I do? I guess I'm going to say to her what my DB coach said I should say. That it hurts me and that's not alright. She's coming over because they are friends and she is an idiot for not being mad at her H. She believes the texting was ok and that's all it was. Dirty texting between two people. Things have gotten better and my W's not as mad at me as she was, but I tried to get a little and she SHUT me down. I got a little hurt but I figured what the Hell I'll try anyway. No, I haven't given up and haven't talked with my DB coach. I feel like I need to use the tools she gave me to work on this by myself for awhile and go from there. I'm trying to calm down because I don't want the OM W seeing our new home and thinking everything is ok with me. Because its not. I will get your responses long after the fact I tell her that it hurts me and hopefully she understands. By the time the OM W shows up I'll be at work and my W will be getting ready to go to work. If you would like to send scripture I'm all for it. It will help. Thanks to all of you for caring.
You don't get to own what the OM's wife thinks or feels about this -- only she does.
YOU can only own what YOU feel about it.
You should neither argue with your wife (or with OM's W) about what SHE thinks it is or isn't -- you should instead focus on communicating YOUR boundaries to YOUR wife, and owning your end of this thing.
Getting into a debate about other people's morals is a fruitless exercise.
Just spoke with my DB coach and she said to let my wife know that the OM W called and tell her how it hurts me only if my W asks me how I feel about it. As my DB said. Don't look for trouble. See how my W handles it. So for now I will play it cool and go from there. One thing I do know is that I can't be with someone if I have a constant reminder of the hurt. That's no way of healing and moving on with my M. Going to use the tools I have been given. Hope to have good news later today.
