Just found out wife filed

[RobD70]

Just got this in my inbox:

I wanted to let you know that I filed the Original Petition for Divorce last week. I need to bring the papers by. I figured we might as well get the process started in the event that this is where we end up. At this point, that's all it is. If we decide to divorce, we will need to come up with an agreement on the assets and liabilities. We can't even file that for 61 days, and it doesn't have to be done then. We can wait up until 6 months if this is what we decide to do.

I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. I'm just trying to get my feet under me and feel like I have some kind of control of my life. I'm even contemplating getting my own apartment in March. As of Sunday, Anthony is with me full-time. John beat the living crap out of him on Sunday. I had to take him to the emergency room because he had blood coming from inside his ear, it looked like his nose might be broken, a chipped tooth and bad bruising and swelling on his leg where John had kicked him several times. In addition he had choke marks on his neck where John was trying to choke him out. Since I have a child at home full-time now, I need to get my life stabilized and provide the stability and safety that he so desperately needs.

Poor kid, John is his father.

I'm seeing the IC in an hour. My first reaction to this is anger like "we had a stable life" but I don't expect her to see the logic in that. Not sure how I should respond, any thoughts?

[RobD70]

Too slow lol.

I thanked her for filing (taking my own advice) and to just drop it off at the house. I also told her how sorry I was about the boy.

I know the OM is pushing her to do this but oh well, that's her decision and nothing I can say will change that. As I told a few people on her, don't ever fight them and agree no matter what. This is what I have to do now and go along with it like I'm 100% fine with it. Oddly enough I am kind of ok with it, I thought I'd be more upset but I'm not. I think she's making a mistake but some people need to learn the hard way.

[Phoenixdeux]

Sorry about that, but I think you are right..she controls her own actions. It's doubtful that life will be better for her.

One small note as an aside. I was reading one of those advice columns in the newspaper and found it interesting that this woman was asking for advice about dealing with her current husband and expressing regret about breaking up her first marriage. She was jealous of her ex-husband that he was getting to see the kids and grandkids, and she had to move far away with her husband who cared nothing for her family. It wasn't said, but I bet she left her marriage for this OM and was finding he wasn't all that afterall. Your wife could find herself in a similar position down the line.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would simply respond (and you'll have more than one opportunity to do this) "This is not what I wanted, as you know, but I understand your decision. I trust we can both work together on this moving forward."

I'm sorry, Rob.

Puppy

[InLikeFlynn]

I hope the father was arrested!!!

[RobD70]

He wasn't arrested but the S in now going to be living with the W and he's happy about it.

Oddly enough I'm relieved that she did this. I'm don't feel bad at all :). I'm a bit surprised by my own reaction.

Went to the C. See if I can remember what she said.

W had the OM with her last week, the C wasn't that impressed and the W even said she thought the C like me more than the OM lol.

The W feels so guilty about me that it was one of the reasons she went to the OM, to get away from the guilt. That makes no sense to me.

I'm sure the OM had a big hand in her filing since it was last week and all.

The W wants to talk to me about day to day stuff but is afraid to because she thinks it leads me on. She asked the C if she should anyway or not.

The C doesn't think the OM is putting in both feet. I guess she leaving him twice and still has feelings for me has made him cautious.

I have anger issues in which I have trouble being/showing anger. She wanted me to break down and start throwing things. We did touch on how I was intimidated by the OM and that I worked so hard to be the man my W wanted and she doesn't want it.

My W is so screwed up in the head now that I don't want anything to do with her. To be honest, right now I do not want her back. I don't want to see or hear from her and this could not be over sooner. I'm not sure I will ever forgive her for being with the OM anyway, she would have to do a lot of work and I don't think she can.

After I thanked her for filing, this is what she said:

"All I filed was the Original Petition. It doesn't specify who's taking what or anything like that. There's nothing for you to sign at this point. It's basically just putting the courts on notice that we are contemplating divorce.

Can you even believe that John did that to Anthony?....." (there was more about Anthony but not important.

Listen how she tries to downplay what she did. You wonder why she even bothered then is it's not that big a deal lol. I'm guessing it's because either is was the OM's idea or she thinks I'm going to be hurt of freaked out about it. I find it annoying, I know exactly what it is, I almost did it myself a few times.

Anyway I'm not going to respond today and IF I do it will be about the boy.

[JDOllie]

I think the perfect way to act at this point is to completely ignore the "petition" or whatever it is.

I completely ignored OM in W's case - except when W left kids with him, and allowed kids on a bed with him. Then I slammed the door shut HARD. But, once I got my point across, he ceased to exist.

It's a little different in my case that OM is sort of a 'buddy' - lives over an hour away, still married, hot wife, 3 annoying kids.

Still - I think he was a 'revenge' item for W, and I completely blew it off. W is being really odd about the filing - just ignore it.

You are in a good place emotionally - don't get nasty/angry, just "don't care".

[RobD70]

True dat JD. I'm in "don't care" mode but I'm worried about slipping. I hope I can feel this way forever.

I'm not going to respond today I think. I plan on ignoring the filing and the OM for now on. I feel compelled to respond to validate and support what happened to the boy but I don't know. This seems to tie into what she said to the C about talking to me about what's going on in her life as a friend.

Should I be her friend or back off and let her miss the friendship we had?

[Phoenixdeux]

I still think you are too worried about what she thinks. If she feels that having conversations keeps you hanging on to hope, is that your problem? You can't help how she feels about whatever, so don't worry about it.

Do whatever you feel like. If you are concerned about her son, then call and see how he's doing. Who cares whether she thinks it's pursuing or whatever.

Other than that, ignore, don't ignore her, it doesn't matter. Just show your indifference to her. Be yourself.

[RobD70]

I feel blah today, I expected the high from yesterday to wear off so I need to get that again. I think what helped me is thinking I no longer feel obligated to save the M anymore. Her filing showed no matter what I do it doesn't matter so the pressure if off now. I have no motivation to try anymore other than it's just in my nature to act a certain way and I want to be respectful and nice just for it's own sake, not to get her back. I don't see her ever wanting to come back nor do I think I could ever trust her again but I do believe she will she will one day regret this down the road. It will be too late to do anything about it but I kind of take solace in that. She is too short-sighted right now to see the big picture on top of not having her head on straight. I feel sorry for her.

I am now working on separating the finances. Both our checks go into a joint account and if she is going to get her own place then she needs to do that herself. I pay all the bills so I'm going to send them to her and tell her only to put in her share of my bills (house/credit) and she can pay her own. She makes twice what I do but because she pays for her kid's cars and part of her mom's house, I will end up with more free cash than her.

Thinking over what she sent yesterday, I feel she insulted my intelligence and though it's tempting to out her on it I'm just going to vent here.

She tries to downplay the filing because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings which is another way to help elevate her own guilt. I have no doubt that in 61 days she will try to finalize it. I also don't buy the "doing this for myself" bit when I know she is just giving in to pressure from the OM and her best friend. She has told me before that both of them keep telling her to file. Also note she filed last week when she brought the OM to her IC meeting. About getting the apartment in March which also happens when the OM's lease on his house is up.

It's been 24 hours so I am going to draft a response to her mail dealing with her son. It will only talk about him and I will not comment on her or me and very brief. I feel I need to because I do care about her son and don't want to appear insensitive. I can care less about making her feel better.