Why is it WE have to chase so much. I am so annoyed this morning. I woke up thinking WTF!
Yesterday Im talking to H, we end the convo........ then he calls back just to say I love u. Ok, so, I know he loves me, but then why not love me enough to tell me WHY HE WONT TOUCH ME!
Why is it WE have to chase so much. I am so annoyed this morning. I woke up thinking WTF!
Yesterday Im talking to H, we end the convo........ then he calls back just to say I love u. Ok, so, I know he loves me, but then why not love me enough to tell me WHY HE WONT TOUCH ME!
(( END RANT ))
Maybe he honestly has no clue???
I know it seems a cop out. But he has to have the "balls" to look at why and he doesn't right now. That is his reality. It takes a lot to look at your faults and then change them. A lot . Sure maybe he seems lazy ? So we know he loves you. Now what?
What are *you* going to do? What are you thinking? ~Ali
Back to what Ali wrote in another post... As many times as we back down from confronting the issues and forcing awareness, it only reinforces them doing nothing because we show we will settle and continue on in our numbness and anguish. It allows them to stay in their comfy place of hiding from going through their fear.
Diane, your H grew up fighting with people. He doesn't want to fight with you. Tell him that's not what you want him to do. Tell him you want him to fight FOR you and its himself he has to fight. His fears, inhibitions, desire for distance, and preference for silence concerning your need.
If he doesn't want to lose you, he has to fight his internal scared little boy. A counselor can help him find the way to do that. Tell him that, too. I'm sure he hasn't thought of it that way, but that's what it is. He has to do the heavy lifting here and has no idea how to get past his self-imposed limitation.
Ask him which he fears most: losing you for good? or getting past his immature fear of opening up.
Then again, there's the real fun one, if you don't want to fight about it, do what I want then there's no longer anything to fight about. (Leave it to me to think of two cutting remarks)Actually no sarcasm is intended-just do what I want & don't fight. Problem over.
He won't be losing himself, he'll be finding himself. Growing up to be the man he's always wanted to be. But he won't realize that until he actually makes the change & experiences it for himself. Being afraid to live closely with a family has to be tough especially when he's probably always wanted a close family. He must be a very lonely man. Fighting about fighting instead of communicating about your marriage.
Ah, well, your loneliness is all you can fix. Working tom'w-unexpected -busy day. Fire in one of the girls' apt. bldg & she has to deal w/wet furniture, clothes. Poor kid. J
Last edited by Jayce; 02/06/0912:52 AM.
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
I didn't respond before this, because I just don't know what to say anymore really. I am at a total loss as to what to do now. So much for the tough me.........
I have received nothing since the e-mail asking me what would happen when he stopped talking. It seems he's done. Not sure, who knows. But, if this is the way we will work together, it will take years. I have had 2 emails consisting of a few sentences since dec with the last one just asking me what I previously mentioned. Nothing at all since then.
Apparently I am not worth the fight.
Hard not to either throw a little pity party, or throw him. We'll see if I get anything in the next few days. Im not holding my breath!
Is the answer to "what if I stop talking?" "I'll be gone next time you come home" ?? Are you ready to say that? I started off with that not being an option. You're in a different place. Plus we're together all the time allowing for more time to work things out. Go to Dr., get sleep test, etc. etc. But has your H actually started talking yet?
Maybe try emailing him the same message every day. I want you, do you want me? I want you to want me, do you want to want me? One of those.... Or tell him it takes 2 to make a fight & you're not fighting, you're making a rational, reasonable request. He is fighting with himself about opening himself up enough to respond to your request or tell you why he won't. It would kill his reason for not answering being that he doesn't want to fight.
I'm not good at letting something this serious go. I'd have to keep at him. Knowing when you stop, he probably hopes you've quit, I'd probably keep it up constantly whether its a good idea or not.
Fear of loss drives my H a bit, so even a little bit of being quiet, ignoring or absent would get some response. Summer and fall were tough. Still not perfect, but I know he understands even if he doesn't get it right all the time. When you are quiet your H probably gives a sigh of relief, hoping you're done talking about it. He doesn't answer & knows you'll wait awhile before bugging him again (totally unaware of what that does to you emotionally). He hasn't hit the brick wall yet. You ready to put it up so he can't miss it? Unless the same "commercial" email daily works, at some point you'll have to.
Then you'll find out if your worth it. I'm sure you are, but lettiing go of his fear may be more difficult than losing you. J
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
It's good to let the discussion take a breather once in a while... that's assuming there IS a discussion. I agree with Jayce here, you have to keep the questions coming and open the lines of communication SOME HOW.
You would think with the emails he would open up at least a little bit. That is actually how I got my wife to open up over a year ago now. We had been locked in our defensive mode for so long I never could get what I wanted to say across. So I started with the emails, then the talks came later.
I answered his question a few weeks ago and simply told him that this was my last attempt. That it didn't of course have to always be about " this " that we COULD of course talk about other things in the emails, but that I could not go a year or more again without something. There had to be progress. As, the next time, I wouldn't start things up again, Id be gone. So yes, he knows.
After reading your 2's response, I guess its time for another email. Ughh......... Im going to use a lot of what you both have said.
Please watch this Diane... I dunno if it will help or make sense to you??? I cried when I watched it. {weeks ago} I it took me most of the morning to find it again??? Let me know if it helps. "Open Heart Surgery" Love, Ali
