He won't read anything??? It sounds like he might be a bit of a "Nice Guy" himself. You should read that book, too. It might give you some insight. Would he at least look at the website: nomoremrniceguy.com? It has a quick intro that is easy to get through.
Does he hate reading? They have audiobooks or web books available.
Have you tried to explain the concept of differentiation and holding on to yourself to him? It's not easy to read in PM, but it is so important to learn.
I see you working yourself to the bone. At some point, he has to do something other than follow your lead. He has to "swallow his vinegar" and read a few pages or at least listen. It sounds like he walks around feeling "right," and then he might listen to you a bit or hear a threat of losing you, and then he shapes up a bit, but it doesn't sound like he's really "gotten it" after all these years. How can he get it? All of us have to do the work for ourselves.
What if you have a reading date night? It is something he can do for you. You both sit and read at least 15 pages, and then do whatever you want. Tell him it's important to you. Or, you can read it to him if he hates reading so much, and then maybe it will capture his interest and he'll decide to pick it up on his own.
He must take in information from sources other than you in order to hear the information without psychological "noise" that he unknowingly inserts based on his relationship with you. (The same reason that it is hard for my husband to teach me how to play the guitar. There is too much between us for me to be an obedient pupil. I get annoyed that he's taking too long to explain as if I'm a 4 yr old, etc. But, I bet an outsider could teach me without any interference from my own head!)
He HAS to take steps too. He can't be lazy/selfish in this area and think he'll squeak by by replacing what you really need with working hard, providing, being a surrogate father to your kids... You need him to work with you on your relationship. All those other benefits are terrific, but they aren't directly solving your problems. He has to work, too. Easy street is only granted to a marriage between zombies, not those of depth and passion.
