Hi Vicky, I just wanted to say welcome to our board. There are wonderful people here, who are very knowledgeable. Unfortunately, when it comes to marital problems there is no "one size fits all" but we will listen and try to help.
Perhaps, if your H brings "OM" up again, you can say something like, "I've decided right now, I need to take care of myself. I need to figure things out and not involve someone else." I agree with Puppy though, if he doesn't bring it up, let it alone and not mention "OM" again.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Thanks for your advice. I like that approach. H has been bringing up "OM" every chance he gets. I even told him this morning that I believe in marriage and that I have never cheated on him in our marriage and then he said that well, you are now. There goes my moral ground right there. Ahhhhhh!!!! I so thought this was the right thing to do. I just hate him taking me for granted. I think I will take your advice and get ride of "OM". I don't think that it's actually getting me what I want anyway. It seems to be so counterproductive.
But how can I get this man to stop taking me for granted. Any other ideas? Should I just continue to GAL and not pursue him.
I am in no position to judge, so understand that I am not doing that to you. I can tell you that I do not believe that anything positive comes from lying to your spouse. You can answer "yes" to many of those questions and doubts that you had......and I think you probably already know that.
The DR book does teach to move forward and to get a life. It even tells us to be vague and to have some mystery about us, but nowhere does it ever tell us to lie. You have made things much worse now and a whole lot harder for yourself. But, that is not to say you can't keep trying. I am not sure what the answer would be other than to just tell him that you had hoped to make him jealous by saying there was OM, but that there wasn't. Tell him you are setting him free to do whatever he wants to do and you won't stand in his way. Tell him you are moving forward. Then drop the rope. That is about the only chance I personally see that you have now. It may take some time before he comes around, but if he really believes that he will lose you, then it may wake him up and cause him to come get you. That is what you wanted him to do when you tried to make him think there was OM, wasn't it? Only, this way, you will not be lying to him. It seems to be the only way for him to realize that you are NOT like everyone else around him.....by coming clean with what you've done. Be honest, real, and humble and then walk away.
By telling him that you are setting him free, I do not mean to file for divorce. I simply mean to tell him you will not try to hold him back from doing whatever he wants to do. That often times gets their attention more than anything else. I hope it will work for you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have just read through this thread and I kind of cringed.
What you have done is lie to your H. You have created another possible boundary.
I like Yoyo's way of extracating yourself from it....or just tell him the truth.
The way I have seen other DBers go about it is not to actually lie about there being an OM/OW but just to dress up nice like they were going out and to act mysterious when their S is around them. No actual lies told but a real feeling of mystery created. I think now though, that after telling your H what you have, he will suspect one particular OM and will not believe you if you just try to act mysterious.
What you have done is just a symptom of your desperation. Don't beat yourself up about it. Deal with it and move on. We all have our moments.
((((HUGS)))))
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Saffie, I have been beating myself up over this. I actually think that I'm going to tell H the truth b/c I can't stand the image I've created of myself. I'm feel like even if H and I don't get back together again, I at least want to kept my self image and my self dignity solid.
I know that I had sound reasons for doing what I did and I really don't like H thinking that I'm sitting waiting for his. But now that I've done this, I KNOW I don't like H (or anyone else that he's told that I'm seeing someone) thinking that I'm no different. So I think I will be a big girl, fess up, and be done with that. I'm sure H won't instantly believe me but at least I will get it off my chest. He may not believe me at all but it is what it is.
Hey, as Michele said, fixing one's marraige is a trial and error process so I'm just going to have to console myself to know that I tried and I err. So if anyone is judging my poor decision with this one, ahhh well!
Sometimes I just wish I could run away, get hypnotized to forget about my H and live and peaceful and stressfree life.
Thanks guys. It's so good hearing that I have your support and agreement to fess up b/c I was still here unsure of telling H b/c I can already picture his response and disbelief and that he will use this one against me. But it is what it is.
I swear on the other hand I just don't know how my H and other WAS deal with the guilt of their actions b/c I'm here feeling like crap about "OM" who doesn't even exist and they are actually with OP in living flesh. Unbelievable!!
Oh, drama, drama, drama. But good drama I guess this time.
So I actually fessed up and it feels good. I told H that "OM" wasn't true. And I think I did it in a good way. I told him first that he knows I make mistakes too. And, I reminded him that when I tried this stunk before (yes, cheeseless tunnels I have tried this before). And then I told him why I did what I did, and then I told him the truth. But I kept insisting that he should know that I can get a man if I wanted to and that I'm not sitting and waiting for him and I don't want him to know that. But I'm just not into seeing anyone else and he is the only immoral one in this relationship. But the funny thing is that even though I said all that, it was still a very calm and jovial conversation. Of course, he said he didn't totally believe me and that I am seeing someone and I told him that I know he would feel that way and I don't care if he beleives me, I'm telling him this because I don't like that image of me. I even told him that even if we don't get back together that I want to keep my dignity.
But we had a great conversation with all this. He even talked about the fact that he does miss me and our life together and that he lost himself and he knows it and he stopped trying in the marriage. I of course said that I didn't call to tell him the truth to sway his mind, that we need to take things slow and one day at a time b/c we have a lot we need to work out first. Then he was telling me that he was talking to his barber about what happened and this old man told him to go home to his wife. I told him that the main thing we have work out is his son and what will be best for him. And he says he thinks OW will just og away but I told him that I know he won't be able to live with that and we have to do what's best for his son (this is a 180 for me who has been fighting against him being there for the boy). And I actually did mean it b/c I have done some sould searching and realized that we have to put the child interest at heart.
Anyway, the point is that I had a good conversation and I feel much better.
And for anyone who may consider doing this (Poohbear listen to this), H said that he was thinking about me with "OM" but he thought that he didn't want that to cloud his judgement and to make him decide to run back home. So, "OM" would not have gotten me what I wanted anyway.
So thanks all and I know this isn't totally put to rest b/c when I GAL H may still think maybe "OM" is around but lets see what the future holds.
