I made it to the roundhouse; now which way?

[Little Engine]

I am still around and checking every couple of days or so. Not that I don't miss everyone, I have just thrown myself into my work as the next level of "therapy." I still think about everyone here and pray for so many that I think God must be getting worn slick by the long list of those on my mind.

Today I am in a really foul mood and bewildered. D has not been very talkative or refuses to talk to me during our nightly phone calls. So last night she said that she didn't want to tell me what had happened at school because when I take her on the weekends, I remind her that she had already told me about these events during the week. The hand-offs between her mother and me have not been good, because I don't have much to say to XW other than details about the children. XW wants to tell me about her life and ask about mine and I couldn't care less to hear about hers or reveal details of mine. I am usually glum for the first bit of my time with the kids, since I have to talk myself of the figurative ledge of dealing with their mother. This bothers D and I think she sees it as a reflection on her. She has asked me on several occasions "Daddy, why aren't you happy? You seem sad that we are with you." I have explained to her that I am not happy because of their mother and I just need a few minutes to readjust and then I will be OK, but I am very happy that she and her brother are with me. Obviously, she isn't convinced.

We have had a good routine, but tiring the last few weeks since basketball has started. I have been taking them every weekend after basketball is finished on Saturday and then meeting their mother to send them home late Sunday afternoon. So we spend roughly 24 hours together every weekend instead of 48 every other week. I get to see them both play basketball and they have Friday night at home.

So this week their mother has to come to town and agrees to meet us at my work. I was glad for that since I had a party to attend to watch the game. I transfer their suitcase back to the car--I am working on getting them a wardrobe together so they don't have to bring anything but what little stuff they need to keep them entertained on the drive. I have a CS check for XW of course I cannot find it. So I go back into the office and dig around and then back to my truck where it was under the visor. As I hit the door coming back out XW gets out of car and tells me "not to worry about it, that I can drop it in the mail." As she is telling me this I open the door and flip the visor down and there is the check. I said "No need, here it is." I can tell that W is bothered by the cold shoulder I give her at games and during the transition times. I know she is wanting to say more, but I don't want to hear it. Thankfully, D has slipped out of the car and runs around to my truck and "saves" me from this exchange. I pick her up and carry her back to her seat and buckle her in. Of course, her tears start and then mine start and I can't say anything to make it better for her. I give D and kiss and say "goodbye" to S. Then off to my truck and the party.

I exchange a few texts with S during the game. Afterwards he calls me and we chat for a few minutes and then he is off to bed and I am off to work. Ten minutes later I get a text from XW that says "I hope someday you can forgive me." My mind has been rattled since.

Any thoughts?