Lucky...

Hmm?

That is a good question. YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET A POWER BAR AND A SMOOTHIE FOR THIS POST~!~! \:D
You guys are really making me think huh?

It is not enough that *I* am working on me?
Sheesh!~!~??? ;\) \:D ;\)


Ok here goes.
First let me just say.
I love him . I fell in love with him b/c he is the *first* and *only Man that did not treat me like a piece of meat.
He was so sweet, king , generous , loving and tender.
Looking back ?
I can see how I tried to push him away but he kept on like a puppy at my feet.
He fell in love with me instantly and I did too.
BUt I was trying to listen to my head.
He loved my 2 boys ( I was Married previously and in that R for 9.5 years. LONG STORY) like they were his own.
He instantly made me feel like *I* could be *myself* around him.
I was *open* with him and I felt *safe* with him.
I felt beautiful.

He is a good person.
He will give to a fault.
He wants the best for the kids and I.
He is very selfish and HD and childish at times like you say ...
But those are symptoms of him not being in sinc with who he really is.
He will work hard day and nite to provide for us.
He is FUNNY.
I love a good sense of humor.
He is a romantic.
He would massage me all day if I asked him to. ( problem is I have a problem with asking for things )
He will go out of his way to do something special out of the blue, no holiday involved.
He will take you out for dinner or make you a fabulous meal.
He is a great cook.
He is silly.
He is strong.
He is vulnerable.
He is Elmo and that new 007 guy all wrapped into one. ( yummy)
He is open to new things.
He is a go getter.
He is kind.
He is fun.
He is spontaneous.
He is predictable too.
He is giving.
He is a good Dad. ( could be better but he fears getting to close for some reason... )
He is a leader.
He puts me first in bed. ( almost to a fault, he doesn't want to take )
He is sweet.
He will go out of his way to do romantic things.
He will make your day special when it is Monday.
He will stay home form work ( he is self employed) just to snuggle with me.
And snuggling?
When we go to bed he holds me all nite and we look like a human pretzel.
He will go to meet friends for a bit and when he comes home?
He will bring me Pastries.
He will polish my toe nails.
He washes my hair when we take a shower together. That is the bomb!~! I practically fall asleep . Oh then he will scrub me down. Way better than any Spa day.
We shower together daily. ( \:\( I rarely initiate this now that I think about it)
He doesn't keep tabs . ( except for sex.... ugh$#^!~~_)
He is a fantastic lover.
Very, very attentive.
He goes out of his way to make me happy.
He will come home with a puppy just cause it was "white" like me .
I am a very light complected Mexican.
He tells me he loves me no matter what size I am.
he will come up to me and I am on the couch and say lets dance to a slow song and tell me,
this is my song for you Ali.....
Wonderful tonite ~ Eric clapton
Woman ~ John Lennon
( this one is over the top. )
In my life ~ Johnny Cash ( this one too )
And some beautiful ones in Spanish.
I do just melt that he is a romantic.
And he is easy on the eyes. ;\)
But I fell in love with his soul not his body. ( He is sexy as hell though.)
If I am having a tantrum?
He will come up to me and hug me and kiss me and say thats enough lets ML. ;\)
Try to kiss away my moods.

I know that I focus on his bad behavior, but there has been much of it.
I also put here what I need to work on.
If you would have been with me since the beginning?
You would see he seems to have a cycle??? \:\(
He has been at an all time high for bad behavior.
He has taken me to the depths of h&ll with his booze.
* I stopped living and tried to fix and control. Something I did not cause.
Instead of fixing himself?
And looking at what he may have added to this problem?
He only blames me, cause in his heart he gave his all.
His anger is "justified", cause he loves me and really doesnt mean it?
* my eyes are rolling of course*


He has been lying to himself and to me with his behavior for so long.
I also have been "lying" to him.
I have accepted his behavior and continued to love him. I was saying it was ok /basically and then I would be angry??!~!~?
So I have a lot of self hatred , why else would I allow him to treat me this way?
Working on that.
Just in the past 2 weeks?
When we had the meltdown?
I told him no more.
I meant it.
He knows this.

Yes I have been "LD" to him, withdrawn and it HURT him DEVASTATED him even .
So all he could do was lash out. NO sex makes men very "grumpy" as it says in SSM.
Things would be well and if I closed down again?
He would lose it. He would give up.

I have been readng PM a lot and I do see my part ...
I even told him recently .
Yeah , I should have left ?
Maybe then *YOU * would have changed. Maybe then I would have?
I did not value myself enough to ask for better.
I am not making excuses for his ugliness but I am saying I had the power to walk away.
We all do.


Also I know now also from Reading PM.
That he just wanted something better to belong to.
He wanted to be needed.
I gave him that and then I would take it away.
So he felt like the victim , \:\(

No sex...
uncovers so may things in your M.
A huge can of worms.

Thanks Lucky for asking me this and allowing me to rememeber why I am still here after all these years.
There is a beautiful Man under there.
And the best part is he finally see if he wants to "play " he has to change along with me.

He has for a long time wanted his cake and to eat it too.
Like a very spoiled child.


See I did change Lucky .. but the minute he acted like *I* didnt like I also used *IT* for an excuse to not be my best.

NOT GOOD.

I am proud of what *we* are doing now. *We* are on track.
I just cant shut down when he comes home. I have been using this coping mechanism since I was a child.
The wall is impermeable!~!~ Once it goes up .

Thanks for asking why I love him.
I am going to keep thinking about that one ...
I really do love him.

~Ali