That is a good question. YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET A POWER BAR AND A SMOOTHIE FOR THIS POST~!~! You guys are really making me think huh?
It is not enough that *I* am working on me? Sheesh!~!~???
Ok here goes. First let me just say. I love him . I fell in love with him b/c he is the *first* and *only Man that did not treat me like a piece of meat. He was so sweet, king , generous , loving and tender. Looking back ? I can see how I tried to push him away but he kept on like a puppy at my feet. He fell in love with me instantly and I did too. BUt I was trying to listen to my head. He loved my 2 boys ( I was Married previously and in that R for 9.5 years. LONG STORY) like they were his own. He instantly made me feel like *I* could be *myself* around him. I was *open* with him and I felt *safe* with him. I felt beautiful.
He is a good person. He will give to a fault. He wants the best for the kids and I. He is very selfish and HD and childish at times like you say ... But those are symptoms of him not being in sinc with who he really is. He will work hard day and nite to provide for us. He is FUNNY. I love a good sense of humor. He is a romantic. He would massage me all day if I asked him to. ( problem is I have a problem with asking for things ) He will go out of his way to do something special out of the blue, no holiday involved. He will take you out for dinner or make you a fabulous meal. He is a great cook. He is silly. He is strong. He is vulnerable. He is Elmo and that new 007 guy all wrapped into one. ( yummy) He is open to new things. He is a go getter. He is kind. He is fun. He is spontaneous. He is predictable too. He is giving. He is a good Dad. ( could be better but he fears getting to close for some reason... ) He is a leader. He puts me first in bed. ( almost to a fault, he doesn't want to take ) He is sweet. He will go out of his way to do romantic things. He will make your day special when it is Monday. He will stay home form work ( he is self employed) just to snuggle with me. And snuggling? When we go to bed he holds me all nite and we look like a human pretzel. He will go to meet friends for a bit and when he comes home? He will bring me Pastries. He will polish my toe nails. He washes my hair when we take a shower together. That is the bomb!~! I practically fall asleep . Oh then he will scrub me down. Way better than any Spa day. We shower together daily. ( I rarely initiate this now that I think about it) He doesn't keep tabs . ( except for sex.... ugh$#^!~~_) He is a fantastic lover. Very, very attentive. He goes out of his way to make me happy. He will come home with a puppy just cause it was "white" like me . I am a very light complected Mexican. He tells me he loves me no matter what size I am. he will come up to me and I am on the couch and say lets dance to a slow song and tell me, this is my song for you Ali..... Wonderful tonite ~ Eric clapton Woman ~ John Lennon ( this one is over the top. ) In my life ~ Johnny Cash ( this one too ) And some beautiful ones in Spanish. I do just melt that he is a romantic. And he is easy on the eyes. But I fell in love with his soul not his body. ( He is sexy as hell though.) If I am having a tantrum? He will come up to me and hug me and kiss me and say thats enough lets ML. Try to kiss away my moods.
I know that I focus on his bad behavior, but there has been much of it. I also put here what I need to work on. If you would have been with me since the beginning? You would see he seems to have a cycle??? He has been at an all time high for bad behavior. He has taken me to the depths of h&ll with his booze. * I stopped living and tried to fix and control. Something I did not cause. Instead of fixing himself? And looking at what he may have added to this problem? He only blames me, cause in his heart he gave his all. His anger is "justified", cause he loves me and really doesnt mean it? * my eyes are rolling of course*
He has been lying to himself and to me with his behavior for so long. I also have been "lying" to him. I have accepted his behavior and continued to love him. I was saying it was ok /basically and then I would be angry??!~!~? So I have a lot of self hatred , why else would I allow him to treat me this way? Working on that. Just in the past 2 weeks? When we had the meltdown? I told him no more. I meant it. He knows this.
Yes I have been "LD" to him, withdrawn and it HURT him DEVASTATED him even . So all he could do was lash out. NO sex makes men very "grumpy" as it says in SSM. Things would be well and if I closed down again? He would lose it. He would give up.
I have been readng PM a lot and I do see my part ... I even told him recently . Yeah , I should have left ? Maybe then *YOU * would have changed. Maybe then I would have? I did not value myself enough to ask for better. I am not making excuses for his ugliness but I am saying I had the power to walk away. We all do.
Also I know now also from Reading PM. That he just wanted something better to belong to. He wanted to be needed. I gave him that and then I would take it away. So he felt like the victim ,
No sex... uncovers so may things in your M. A huge can of worms.
Thanks Lucky for asking me this and allowing me to rememeber why I am still here after all these years. There is a beautiful Man under there. And the best part is he finally see if he wants to "play " he has to change along with me.
He has for a long time wanted his cake and to eat it too. Like a very spoiled child.
See I did change Lucky .. but the minute he acted like *I* didnt like I also used *IT* for an excuse to not be my best.
NOT GOOD.
I am proud of what *we* are doing now. *We* are on track. I just cant shut down when he comes home. I have been using this coping mechanism since I was a child. The wall is impermeable!~!~ Once it goes up .
Thanks for asking why I love him. I am going to keep thinking about that one ... I really do love him.
He has stopped drinking for now. His choice. He has stopped being rude and hasty. He has stopped swearing so much and losing his temper. I feel good and then there are days I am paranoid when he comes home? I will freeze? and not be the funny sensual , sexual Woman that I am. I am all over the place in PM now. I just open it and read. I am trying to stay in the moment and light. Not worry .
He won't read anything??? It sounds like he might be a bit of a "Nice Guy" himself. You should read that book, too. It might give you some insight. Would he at least look at the website: nomoremrniceguy.com? It has a quick intro that is easy to get through.
Does he hate reading? They have audiobooks or web books available.
Have you tried to explain the concept of differentiation and holding on to yourself to him? It's not easy to read in PM, but it is so important to learn.
I see you working yourself to the bone. At some point, he has to do something other than follow your lead. He has to "swallow his vinegar" and read a few pages or at least listen. It sounds like he walks around feeling "right," and then he might listen to you a bit or hear a threat of losing you, and then he shapes up a bit, but it doesn't sound like he's really "gotten it" after all these years. How can he get it? All of us have to do the work for ourselves.
What if you have a reading date night? It is something he can do for you. You both sit and read at least 15 pages, and then do whatever you want. Tell him it's important to you. Or, you can read it to him if he hates reading so much, and then maybe it will capture his interest and he'll decide to pick it up on his own.
He must take in information from sources other than you in order to hear the information without psychological "noise" that he unknowingly inserts based on his relationship with you. (The same reason that it is hard for my husband to teach me how to play the guitar. There is too much between us for me to be an obedient pupil. I get annoyed that he's taking too long to explain as if I'm a 4 yr old, etc. But, I bet an outsider could teach me without any interference from my own head!)
He HAS to take steps too. He can't be lazy/selfish in this area and think he'll squeak by by replacing what you really need with working hard, providing, being a surrogate father to your kids... You need him to work with you on your relationship. All those other benefits are terrific, but they aren't directly solving your problems. He has to work, too. Easy street is only granted to a marriage between zombies, not those of depth and passion.
But the one thing Missing? ( idea!!!!!!!!*) For him to really surrender to me and give me him self.
It works both ways.
I gave him all the things I could on the "surface" but I held what was most precious. Just in case. So has he... when she gives *it* to me than I shall give *it* to her.
Yes, I know what you mean. It does work both ways. You've taken more accountability than your share, in my opinion.
He isn't going to get it through osmosis or from you talking and telling him about what you're reading. He has to be open and learn too, separately from you. He doesn't understand what you're talking about in his core. I guess he has to be ready to understand on his own. But he has to READ. Will he do it for you?
HMMM? I dunno. I see what you are saying. He will let me now explain things to him. he did not used to. I see it will be long. I have faith though. I read PM almost 3 yrs ago . And now I am open to understanding it more. I have /had not really done much for myself. OUCH~!~!~ I was looking for a way to fix him , like he is doing with me.
I do know from reading PM that hubby and I are on the right path so far.
Yes he still has to stop waling around feeling right.
i did say this ..
even when I amke you feel delicious and we have great sex and I give my all if you do not get "happy" miraculously ? What then?
You have given me much to think of.
Yes I had this thought when we vacationed ithis Christmas. OMG he is NMMNG under it all.
Thanks Lucky...
and yes he is too nice at times and yet then thinks that by being so nice it erases all the bad. *sigh*
yes I have tried too hard and now I am working on me. This is causing things to shift. I am no longer actively trying to fix him IT wont work that way. yes he has to be on board, but if he sees the rules to my game have changed and I stay consistent?
he has to change.. of he has to find another playmate who plays by his rules alone. If he wants to keep "playing" with me he follows or loses? he is "forced" to change. You will read this later in PM.
Make sense? I am terrible at explaining my self sometimes/
Makes total sense. You working on yourself is going to force the relationship to change. If he is unwilling to bend with that change, it ends. I know that's not what your husband wants.
None of us will ever find someone to follow our rules alone. The person who would go along with everything is called a blow-up doll. Unable to give anything as a completely empty vessel. I know that's not what your husband wants.
Before DQ steps in to slap my hand: I know you can't force him to read. He doesn't HAVE to. It is his choice. (My stream of conscious is sometimes written without thinking about how I'm wording things.) But, I think that if he wants to continue to be your partner, learning more about himself would be of great help to him in participating in the improvement of your relationship.
Not sure what the best method is to get him to listen. Scheduling a talk with my husband was immensely helpful in getting him to really listen and take it seriously. (He was thinking, "Holy crap. This must be really important." He was all ears. And apparently a lot of heart and brain, too.)
Makes total sense. You working on yourself is going to force the relationship to change. If he is unwilling to bend with that change, it ends
Bingo~
I am so glad you get it/ I say many words and I could put it in one sentence.
Yep DQ~ will set you straight!~! No worries Lucky.
You will also learn about yourself by posting to others,,, you will post your POV and see that maybe it needs to be changed some.
I see what you meant.
You will have to see this in yourself or your hubby in the future. You can only be the best *YOU*. The minute I stopped trying to fix him and I LOOKED ONLY AT ME FOR CHANGE? Things started to change, then I would get scared and go back in my cave.
I am going to keep moving now, I must or I will lose him.
It is very simliair to Cinco, he had given every last ounce of love and patience he feels /felt he had nothing left to give. And she stayd the same?
I to ohave done this with Hubby. My H isnt as "nice" about it as Cinco is.. but he is dying for just some attention , love and sex .. For me to "show "him I love him.
Cinco has tuaght me so much about the inner working of my H. And a lot of other Male posters in the past. I dont have my Dad in my life never really did and I have no male friends. IRL.
I really never put myself in hubbys shoes.
And you all have the new version of me. I am Latina... so I have grown up a lot in these 3 years and also before I got here. I used to throw shoes and scream and yell and have my tantrums. Accuse him of always cheating. To wrongs don't make a right. I also used to be severely depressed. Tell him he didnt love me.....
This was all before the bomb...
Ugh... I could go on but I wont. I bought PM , cause I wanted to change sexually just *WEEKS* before he told me he couldn't go on like this. He felt just like Cinco, he loved me but it hurt him too much to stay , when I was saying "I DONT LOVE YOU " by letting him starve sexually. I read it anyway and here I am today. I can't fix the past by not enjoying the present. YUck BTDT it does not work!!!!!
I love him , he loves me and I thank God for my H. I really do. You are one amazing Young Woman Lucky. I am glad to have you for a friend. I hope things keep improving for you and hubby. I am sure they will. Ali
I didn't mean to take all of the pressure off. I just wanted to restate my thoughts. I still think he needs to be pressed a bit. Are you really afraid he will leave if you ask him to work?
You have been on this board for years and are still suffering and working and working and working in your corner. You have seen some change, but you seem to still have some agony.
Is there anything you can try to do differently? Approach? Mindset?
Hmmm. Mindset. I'm going to be honest, and I hope I'm not stepping out of bounds. When I read you posts, I wish I saw more courage. When you say you love yourself and you're free, it almost sounds like you're trying to convince yourself more than us. Maybe it's a mantra that helps you find strength to believe it. But, if you really believed it, why do you have to repeat it?
It just seems like you're living in fear of losing him. Is he really going to walk away, or is he just trying to control you and keep you at his side WITHOUT HAVING TO WORK AT KEEPING YOU. You are a gift to him, too.
I hope I'm wrong, but these are just gut instincts I get when I read your thoughts. Slap me silly if I should shut up and keep my nose out of it. I do recognize that I'm a novice at thinking about all of this.
I didn't mean to take all of the pressure off. I just wanted to restate my thoughts. I still think he needs to be pressed a bit. Are you really afraid he will leave if you ask him to work?
You have been on this board for years and are still suffering and working and working and working in your corner. You have seen some change, but you seem to still have some agony.
Is there anything you can try to do differently? Approach? Mindset?
Hmmm. Mindset. I'm going to be honest, and I hope I'm not stepping out of bounds. When I read you posts, I wish I saw more courage. When you say you love yourself and you're free, it almost sounds like you're trying to convince yourself more than us. Maybe it's a mantra that helps you find strength to believe it. But, if you really believed it, why do you have to repeat it?
It just seems like you're living in fear of losing him. Is he really going to walk away, or is he just trying to control you and keep you at his side WITHOUT HAVING TO WORK AT KEEPING YOU. You are a gift to him, too.
I hope I'm wrong, but these are just gut instincts I get when I read your thoughts. Slap me silly if I should shut up and keep my nose out of it. I do recognize that I'm a novice at thinking about all of this.
XO, Lucky
No worries. Like I said . I wish I would have posted my recent transformation. When I post here it is a lot of thinking out loud. I post on another forum.
Funny you should mention the word courage?
I will post one /few of of my posts in a bit.
and the word fear. I used to be afraid ... I am no longer. I say I will lose him b/c he too is tired of working and working and working.
Yes I used to threaten all the time I loved myself.
I say it a lot b/c that is the only way to freedom. I have to put myself first.
I am not afraid he will leave but I can not force him to do anything.
)
I rarely initiate this now that I think about it)
