Episode IV: A New Hope (?)

[dday101798]

Nice weekend overall. Made pancakes for the first time ever on Saturday, boys were impressed and so was I. Heck, we ate like kings all weekend long really. S10 didn't get in much trouble over his missing books so he went and got a replacement library card Saturday afternoon, got his books and I let him go to the party and he ended up staying with his friend overnight.

FIL sent BIL after me for the money, of which he only got my portion and said nothing of the rest. I showed BIL how much I have in bills to pay, inluding now collection notices for W's Ob/Gyne visits that I didn't receive normal insurance claims on because she had them sent to her. He couldn't believe it and, well, must have spoke up about it.

Renter is being completely shadey, I'm suspecting he'll bail soon enough.

Money, the root of all evils is tight because W used to handle all the finances and didn't juggle things very well. I see now how stressing it can be, but she never made the sacrafices to quit partying all the time to save money for what it was needed for. So, I've got a good handle on things for the most part, it took a while to get things under wraps, but I'm there. And now that I'm not having to deal out the entire 'rent' payment from my account and collect fromt the renter, it shouldn't be much a issue soon. It will be for the next month or so, but I'll figure a way, I always do.

I make a fairly decent living all things concidered. As said, the way things were handled up til now made things tight, but I think I'll be okay. Overall, it's just to big a house, and the utlities are pretty high, so I'm on the look for something smaller. Also, the mortgage is high because FIL borrowed against it and sucked all the equity out. Matter of fact, a friend of mine who stayed over the summer, popped back into town yesterday and we're exploring other options this week. I love my house and hate to leave it, but it clearly is no longer my house, so time to go. He also offered to sell me his van on payments, so have a few things in the works.

Also spoke with my cousin and still have her as a fall back in case all else fails. We both agree that the best thing right now is to keep the boys in their schools, they have enough going on already.

For extra money, I need a garage, then I can do 'side jobs' again turning wrenches. I did go and get a degree in automotive engineering back a few years ago in hope of entering the field, but the entry level pay was just unacceptable so I'm sticking with where I'm at now, I've been with here for now my 10th year and have good propects for the future here all the higher ups like me and I have a great reputation, so I wont get greedy and blow a good thing you know? Back when we bought the house a few years ago, I did make a internal move that I regreted and took on a postion I hated. I like what I do now, and it pays the bills, so I've got what I need.

[25yearsmlc]

Dday,

So you are saying the money problems are temporary and will be resolved within a month or so, or that you will get a garage to earn some extra, or what? The plan to keep the boys in the same school and area in general, makes sense and will also be noted by a judge, fyi. Good thnking and good luck,
j-

[25yearsmlc]

Dday,

So you are saying the money problems are temporary and will be resolved within a month or so, or that you will get a garage to earn some extra, or what? The plan to keep the boys in the same school and area in general, makes sense and will also be noted by a judge, fyi. Good thnking and good luck,
j-

[dday101798]

Dday,

So you are saying the money problems are temporary and will be resolved within a month or so, or that you will get a garage to earn some extra, or what?

Yes to both.

[dday101798]

Well, interesting day yesterday.

Something told me check into some of new insurance accounts and low and behold, W already "hacked" into them by creating user names and passwords using my personal info on her brother's pc and using her father's e-mail address, she's not the brightest bulb in the box when it comes to computer stuff.

So after a long afternoon having the accounts deleted and starting to trace the PC's IP address history, she's dug an even bigger hole for herself now. S10 had made mention of her being on the computer and using papers from teh firebox she stole to do something on-line last week which spurred me to check into things.

My sons and I had a interesting conversation over dinner last night. They asked about how quickly they could see W after the hearing next week. I again informed them, she was supposed to be able to see them now, but she declined to do so, so it has been her choice not to. Then S10 and I spoke mre into it, and again, without getting into the details rminded him that what she has and is doing to me is not right, he agreed.

All the sudden, the kid who was supposed to be so "attached to OM" comes out of his shell and says he never liked being around them when over by her, that all they did was drink, smoke and fight. Then I said again that all I wanted was for mom to come home, to which he said yeah, I know, but mom doesnt' want to come so she's wrong. I left it at that and said, well, now you know I have to do what I have to do and you and your brother are doing so much better right now in school with out this bouncing around stuff from house to house and it shows that you needed structure in this situation. He got really excited when I spoke of the prospect of moving out, even if it's an apartment.

So, she's sunk her own ship, the kids know on their own right from wrong wthout me having to say anything about it. Sure they miss their mom, but they also know that mom's the one who doesn't want a family anymore and it's time to move on.

Like I said in LD's thread, I fully expect OM to be at her side next Thursday for her hearing on the domestic violence. I will be prepared and kill 2 birds with 1 stone and file for no-fault when the smoke clears.

It's obvious this one's not coming back and now my own kids tell me I'm better off to let her go and I agree.

[25yearsmlc]

DD,
I understand why you said what you said. But do you need to rub it in their faces that she could have seen them but chose not to do so, and that she doesn't want to come home, and be a family, but that you do, etc? That makes you "right" and her totally wrong. They don't need to hear that from you. They get it. But they really want and need to believe that she loves them. However emotionally crippled she may be, she does care. (And Even if she didn't, I would never tell a child that).

I mean that is rejection of them, (in their eyes). The facts speak for themselves and you could take the high road and identify the behavior that created the problem without indicting her love for them. IOW, she crossed the line and is paying for it now (with the crazy behavior we discussed earlier) but why say she doesn't want to see them? Why tell them that? Simply state that you are not preventing it from happening. Let them wonder and hope that she has car trouble or had to work or whatever, as long as they don't blame you, why tell them that she doesn't care enough to see them? Make sense?

When our children misbehave, we don't tell them we don't love them; we say we don't like that behavior...same goes for this, imho.

Anyhow, glad they're excited about a home where there is stability and that is huge. Bigger than even they realize. Screw the "kids are resilient" and "we adults deserve to explore ourselves and do what makes US happy" belief system. That is 100% backwards.

( j )

[dday101798]

Whoa, I think you mis-read me there. I did not bash her or tell them their mother does not love them, that is actually the complete opposite of how the conversation went down. They brought up the conversation, not me, they are the ones that lashed her a bit, not me.

I have kept it as simple as possible and put things in the terms of the world as they know it as: if someone continaully picks on you, you tell someone right? If someones constantly trying to pick a fight with you, you tell someone right? If someone steals from you, you tell someone right?

See through all this rhetoric, it is vitally important to instill common sense right and wrong to the children. Mine, have been brainwashed to think that when a mom and dad don't get along anymore, it's fine just to leave them for someone else and now they are starting to see that is not the way a family is supposed to function thankfully because otherwise they will go on into life and do the same exact damn thing, plain and simple, we do as adults as we learned as kids, no?

AND, they were devasted the night of the 16th after I had them get cleaned up and ready to see their mother and she rejected them, point blank simple, sighting the order of protection as the blame. Car trouble? She lives only but 4 blocks away so that won't fly.

Bottom line, I'm not out to paint her the bad guy with intent. They made that choice, they know she still loves them, they are her children and I remind them of that. But, when it ocmes down to it, they need to know that this not right, and I will only sugar coat things so far, I will not lie to my children, but I will also not tell them things they don't need to hear as kids, she does enough of that for me.

[dday101798]

Just checking in.

Nice 'queit' weekend again, spent most of my time thuroughly cleaning as I ahd a small superbowl party yesterday and then the next few weekends are going to be the kick off of the racing season, and S11's b-day coming up on Valentine's day, so I won't have much time to clean then.

Haven't heard anything from FIL, directly anyways. He apparently found out my friend was back in town and staying in the basement for a bit, had the gall to sick BIL on him to find out how much he was paying me rent for that and "where's his cut?".

Met with S10's teacher this morning for conferences. Says S10 has made a HUGE upswing in life structure since being with me full time and it's showing in his work. She also made note of a conversation she had with W just before the holidays over concerns of his work habits and that W didn't seem "too involved in the conversation". So teacher agreed to write a letter to this effect for the hearing on Thursday. That will be some powerful ammo there.

Of the hearing, I have come to the following conclusion. Either her dad is going to help her attain a lawyer for this, or she's been slapped in the face by all this and wants to have commnuication with me again. The later of the two could be either in sincerity or to go back to palygin games again, who knows? Dreams of her becoming more and more frequestn for some odd reason, the more I try and seclude her from day to day life, the more she pops up in my head, wierd.

[dday101798]

well, 48 hours to go and counting down. For some reason I'm getting the knott in my stomach again as it draws closer. I'm fairly certain it's to the possiblity she may try and ask that the "no communication" be lifted and I'm not certain if I can or should believe her. It's unfortunate to say, but life has been so much better this way these past few weeks.

Haven't heard any grumblings from the grape vine about anything she's been up to in the last 3 weeks either. Not sure if that's good or bad?

Still say this is going to go either way. Right now I'd say it's a 75% reality that she'll show up with OM and probably lose it in front of the judge, heck, she showed the PD no mercy the night she barged in the house, not too good when every police report ends the same way, "the compaintant was unruly and not in control, especially with a officer of the peace". Eh well, her hole she dug is big enough, so I dont' see any reason why she won't keep digging. But she will no longer take me and the kids with her.

[25yearsmlc]

sounds good DD, and I'll send positive thoughts your way for Thursday. Stay focussed on what's best for the kids cuz that's what the law says and that's what judges want to hear. It's not about her craziness or what she's thinking about you, or your fil, etc. and don't forget to get the heck out of where you are living anyhow, b/c it's too unreliable and the crazy factor is too linked with her via your fil. Just too nutty. Like you said, you've had some peace the past few weeks and it already helped the boys...that is both sad and good at the same time...

( j )