There was an affair. What questions help healing?

[saffie]

This is an incredibly personal- each person wants to know different things.

I would suggest you read the infidelity section of DR if you haven't already done so - and also the books Just Good Friends and Healing from Infidelity. These books look at infidelity from both sides and reading them should highlight anythings you want to know. Only YOU can know what you need to know.

I also got my H to read certain passages that really resonated with me so that he understood how I was feeling. Once he understood he would alter his behaviour to try and make it easier for me.

I think that the way the WAS acts after reconciliation visa vis their attitude to their betrayal is almost as big a deal breaker as the actual cheating. My H did everything he could to try and make up for what he had done. That doesn't mean he was a dogs body or a kicking post, but rather he was compassionate, he was/is transparent in his actions, he takes my feelings into account if there is anything that comes up about his infidelity. He has shown he cares and that my feelings are valid, (even if at times they don't appear logical to him).