Thank you friends. Sometimes I wish we could all sit down, in person, and have a general discussion about life and Rs, not mine in specific, just life and what we have learnt each of us ... It would be very stimulating, food for thought as FG says. It still is for me when I read your posts...
I am not agonizing at the moment. I said I am in a better mood yesterday, woke up in a much better one today. I am making a rules plan with my kids these days, following a suggestion by the C, which I find very interesting. Each one of us sets rules for himself that are for the best. We get little stars when rules are followed and lose stars when we fail to follow the rules or do what we are supposed to, with delay.
I am excited because the rules I am setting myself, will make my motherly confidence rise and I need that at the moment. I feel I am not good enough for the kids. So my rules will be to spend the time i ahve since I get home until they go tro bed only with them, quality time (unless they dont want to), stay away from the PC, get out more with them, wake up earlier in the morning and get myself ready before they wake up so there is no stress getting ready at the same time, eat breakfast in the morning together, cook different tastes until we finally conclude to a menu everybody likes, stop yelling. After what I have been learning, form my journey and Hs I feel I need to encourage my kids to become the best they can.
I was very good with them during the summer but after H said he wants back, I... collapsed in many ways. At work I am doing better, now I need to concetrate on my kids and parents a bit.
I think you all are right about H in some extend. It is HIM more than it is me. The reaosn I say that it's because I've watched him act this way with all the people he loves, parents, sisters, friends. It's like he was born tired, no thirst for life, no motivation for nearly anything (but work and even there his career development has been extremely slow in comparison to other's), no passion. He has NO interests. For a 38 year old man, do you think that is normal? I dont. BUT I am not judging him. I dont have to like it though, do I?
I am optimistic. About my life in general. Money sucks, I've gained weight, work is boring, a divorced woman with kids here is not popular at all as far as dating is concerned BUT, I will be fine either way, I am special, no?
I dont know if I can lead the way Bill and FG say, or if I can demand the way Sara suggests, I do struggle to be compassionate with him and some times I feel that coming back to me but others, I cant relate to him at all.
I think what it will come down to will be my P....nce and his ability to move a bit faster. I am not hoping to feel in love in 8 weeks, I hope I will start to feel somehow connected to him, I am not hoping he will be Mr Different because he will not be, but I would like to feel comfortable enough to set a date he could move back in the house again or decide this isnt what I want. Because this cant go like this forever...
He called and said he read the email. He said he understands everything I wrote and is not mad or anything at all. I am glad. I tried to show him that now there is another level of thinking that I am dealing with and he needs to deal with too. We'll see.
My gesture for today I dont know yet. Cant think of anything. But I will.
