S, Now you understand why I keep coming back to your reading the mlc resource threads the archives. You will find a lot of similiar situations in those threads.
Your h's comments and behavior are quite similiar to mlc. I would venture to say he most likely is in crisis. We aren't experts here, but we've been at it long enough to know the lingo and behavior.
If you will just sit quietly, listen and do not interject, your h will tell you quite a bit about what he's thinking and doing. They tell on themselves.
Don't bring issues about the ow....she's nothing and he will protect her to the bitter end of you start attacking. Toss out the mom behavior and treat him as a friend. The ow is doing exactly that....stroking his ego, validating his feelings and being a friend. You are still looking at him as an h and that's got to change for now.
Start reading the threads that I've mention many times...they will open your eyes to what you will be dealing w/in the months to come.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
the only thing I DONT understand snodderly is this. You all say that he wants a relationship without the respbonility, but one girl he was seeing had 2 kids. I feel like he really liked her and tried really hard to impress. He even bought the cologne I think she suggested to him. He did other things she asked him to. She told me most of this after they stopped seeing each other. (She stopped the relationship).He tried several times to get her back, but she wouldnt. She said he got to serious. Talked about taking kids to lake and so forth. If he didnt want responbility why would he talk about doing things with her kids? That is more responbility than he ever had. We did have some financial issues. The new woman on the other hand did not. She said though my xh paid for everything and I believe her, because 20 years ago, we woed me with MONEY the same way. Whats your take on this? Isn't this responbility?
S, I don't want to come off sounding blunt here, but he doesn't want any responsiblity in the relationship w/you. What he has w/the ow isn't/wasn't responsibility. Taking the kids to the lake, doing things w/them is fun, not responsibility. He's not paying their bills, being a father to them or answering to her 24/7. If he paid for things, it's because he was trying to impress her. He knows she can take care of herself.
Also, they like to play the "hero" when in crisis. It could be that he sees these kids w/o a father around and he's trying to impress her in that way. His own childhood may have him questioning the way his father treated him as well. He may be trying to relive his past to figure out what happened along the way in his own life.
He wants nothing to do w/your relationship right now. He wants freedom to do what he wants and when he wants it. What looks one way to you, may be perceived another way to him in crisis. He's going to be the mirror image of the man you knew. There is no rhyme or reason to what he's doing. There's no way to analyze him and come up w/a firm, fixed answer because he doesn't even know why he's doing what he's doing. Everything for him is based on emotions.
Read the threads on the MLC Resources and Archives. We talk a lot about these types of things.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, mostly what I have read on here, spouses are leaving their families for someone else. My xh didnt leave me for any one in particular. He was talking to one girl, then fell for another (he says this was the first person he kissed after leaving me). Do they usually fall for the first person they have sex with after leaving? We talked today about the heat in my house and ended up staying on the phone for 30 or 40 minutes. He said he didnt regret being married to me and we had a pretty good marriage, BUT he wanted to try new things. (not necessarily sexual). I know they say not to believe what they say, but I believe him when he said this to me. At the same time, he told me he would NEVER be married to me or anyone else. He said he didnt want to be tied down again. I wanted to tell him he would wake up someday, but its useless he has his mind made up. Do they all say they will never be back or never be married again? Is it that he is enjoying his new life so much he doesnt ever want a family again? Also, it confuses me when he wants to do things for me. He said even if our son was living with him, he would have fixed the heat in my home. He says he will always help me if he can. I have told him several times, I will take care of things myself, but he insists on doing them and paying for them. So I let him or force my hand in saying NO!
S, Some leave for one person, others are putting their feet in a lot of different ponds. They are acting out like teenagers. Yes, they all say pretty much the same thing that your h has said. It's the mlc lingo. I would listen and then let it go in one ear and out the other.
If your h wants to do things for you, let him. Be sure to thank him for doing them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So I shouldnt believe him when he says he will never be home again? Snodderly if I let him do things for me he holds it over my head sometimes, when we fight he brings up what he has done for me. He bought me contacts one time and he never lets me live it down. I love when he offers and I do thank him, but I dont want it thrown back in my face. I really (and bare with me for this) dont understand why I have to be so nice to him. Like thanking him for doing things. HE LEFT ME, I didnt leave him. I feel like he owes me everything. I am sorry if this is wrong, but I get angry with him sometimes. Does it really help if we treat them as "friends". That is so hard to do.
Thanks so much for being here and answering all my questions.
S, You believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do. Actions always speak louder than words.
Yes, when he's angry, he's going to bring up things he's done for you. Why? Because he has felt unappreciated. He feels he has done things over and over again and now he wants to be recognized for those things he's done. He feels he's done for everyone else and now it's his time. If he raises issues from the past, just say "h, I've always appreciated what you've done for me and I'm very sorry you feel the way you do." Don't get into an argument w/him or try to defend yourself. You are dealing with an emotionally challenged person right now and he's not thinking clearly or rationally and will not see your way of thinking on this.
Why do you feel your h owes you everything? Maybe this is why he's tossing out the past reminders because he has felt unappreciated and he could never do enough to please you or hsi parents. I don't know what he's thinking, but if you are playing this particular card with him, it could be the one that's going to keep him away for a while. You've got to change your way of thinking if you want a chance at saving your marriage. Just remember, some will return, others will not. There's no way of knowing which ones will.
The only way to deal w/him right now is to treat him like a neighbor...he's not your husband even if he looks like the one that lived w/you. He's already separated himself emotionally from you prior to walking out. You need to make your place a safe haven, whereby he'll want to come over and eventually see changes in you.
Now is the time for you to think about what you want to do. Are there things about you that you would like to change/improve? Keep in mind, the changes have to become permanent and cannot be a temporary fix just to get him home. He will know if you are sincere or not.
Again, read the MLC Resources Threads and the Archives...your answers are there. You are not alone in traveling this path. We all have been right where you are and we have had to learn the hard way the lessons on how to deal w/them when they are in crisis. It's not easy, but you can learn the lessons too.
You are absolutely right! Our H's are VERY much alike!!
Listen to Snodderly. She is a great "mother hen" and her advice is golden.
I understand the difficulty of your struggle with anger. I've been having a lot of that myself recently. My best advice is to be kind to yourself. Be your own best friend! This is a process, and success is in the journey, not the destination. So long as you continue to get up and dust yourself off and continue forward after you fall, you can not fail!
We don't know what the future holds, so it's no use spending brain time worrying about it. Try to greet your destiny with an open mind and heart as it is revealed to you.
The past is gone. The future will take care of itself. Do everything you can to be as happy as you can today! [Much easier said than done, I know!!]
Take care!!
[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Snodderly, I guess I say he owes me because he ran out on his family. I am having a hard time looking at this as a sickness I guess. I have a friend that doesnt understand the MLC thing. She says she wouldnt give my x the time of day. They have never got along though, because my xh is so cocky.
Ok, with that said, I want to tell you about my night. It wasnt good and you are gonna hit me with a "big stick" instead of a 2x4. Anyway here goes. I had been speaking to my xh alot today concerning my heating issue. He paid someone to fix it for me and told me not to worry about it. I thanked him very much for this. Later on I was out in town and called him again to thank him and ask him if I could drop a paper off. He said yea. I told him I would leave it outside under the grill lid (so there would be no contact) and he said ok. When I got there he opened the door and acted like he wanted me to come in. I could tell he was kinda ifey about it, but I went in anyway. We had a nice talk and I kinda let things get started down "that" road again. We stopped and I left, he really didnt want to, so I left. I ended up back at his house later on AGAIN. We talked on the phone after the first time I left and he didnt directly ask me to come over but led me to believe that its really what he wanted. I could tell he was fighting the issue within himself. I went and things happened, BUT afterward he went OFF THE WALL. I sat down in a chair for just a sec and I guess he thought I was staying and he said. "It's time for you to go" (yes he is rude this way, its his turn, dont know how I stood it all these years...love I guess), I said ok I am leaving, that I didnt intend to stay and that's when he went off. he said, screaming, "I should never have done this, this should have never happened. I want you completely out of my life". I told him there was no reason to get upset and he just got louder. I told him I was sorry and he was probably right. He said you are gonna call me a thousand times now and I dont want to talk to you. I brought up everything I had done to make him mad lately and even got so excited he turned red and shook his fists together. It was like dr. jekyl and mr. hyde. I mean he went off the wall. He said really really hateful things to me and said he only let it happen because he was a man and couldnt resist. I on the other hand did not scream back, I just stood there with tears rolling down my cheeks and took it. I told him I didnt understand his rage and I was leaving and promised him I would not call him like he thought I would. He said I have got to get you completely out of my life. He also threw in my face paying for heat. I knew he would do that, so I offered his money back and he said no just leave. (he had told me the day before that even if our son didnt live with me, he would have fixed it anyway). Tonight he said he only fixed it because of our son. (see how he changes). I did tell him, he was mad at hisself and taking his anger out on me and he said YES I AM so you need to leave and I did just that. It may have been a mistake but I also told him I thought his problem was that he still had feelings for me and he gets upset because of it and takes it out on me. He said for me to go on believing that. (I cant help it, I think he still cares. I could be wrong) Guys, sometimes I think he really is trying to push me completely out of his life. He says this hisself. BUT then other times we can talk and he will say ok I will talk to you in a day or two. I know what everyone has told me but it is so hard to understand his mind and thinking. He changes like day and night.
Update on things he does, that he never use to do:
*works out EVERY day of the week. (Didnt really need to)
*Takes hydroxycut (but told me in the beginning he just wanted to gain muscle not lose weight-lied again)
*tanning bed (I laughed at this)
*brags about turning women down that want to take him to dinner
*wears VERY tight clothes. Even pants
*stopped biting his nails (he done this for 20 years)(the one girl he dated told him it looked bad, so he stopped)
*1500 calories a day (so he says)
****Says everyone tells him he is MLC, but they are WRONG**** Now I am convinced!!!!
I left and he didnt directly ask me to come over but led me to believe that its really what he wanted.
Welcome to the mlc yoyo, rollercoaster, shop vac , whatever you want to call it. He sucked you into HIS twisted world and spit you back out. Learn from this.
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I went BUT afterward he went OFF THE WALL. I sat down in a chair for just a sec and I guess he thought I was staying and he said. "It's time for you to go"
You gave him your strings for him to pull. They LOVE control.
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(I on the other hand did not scream back, I just stood there with tears rolling down my cheeks and took it.
Try your best never to show him this again. It fuels the mlc fire. ANY negative emotions fuel it.
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He said I have got to get you completely out of my life. He also threw in my face paying for heat.
Blah Blah Blah. Many say this. I'll bet anything he will be back to see if he can suck you back into the insanity again. I hope you take away what you need to from this encounter.
