So, update time-- The school in Boston I'm thinking about going to is possibly recruiting me, or maybe just recruiting cellists in general, either way it's good news. I got really excited about preparing to audition for them, so I think I am going to audition at the end of february. I'm still not totally sure if it's what I want to do next, but it makes sense to create that opportunity for myself. I am hoping to stay in Atlanta through the spring and just use the time to stabilize. Also, I played really well in the masterclass, which made me feel really good after the previous disaster in early january.
I have been alternating between feeling relieved and happy that I'm done with grad school and now have time to recenter in my own joyfulness, and feeling totally overwhelmed by all the time I've been spending alone in my apartment, facing these big questions like, who am I? what should I do with my life? where I belong? am I doing the right thing? I think I've been spending WAY too much time inside my own head... so I joined the gym as an alumni, so I can have human contact and exercise, and I've been going to yoga... but still fiddling with the proportions of my life.
I have also been thinking about B a LOT, and not sleeping well. Not necessarily any major new thoughts... I really, really, really wish I could get some feedback from him about my career plans, and what happened at the disastrous cello lesson. (Essie, if you're reading, I thought it might be a good opportunity to get him really worked up on my behalf). But I am also afraid to expose him to the extent of the chaos inside my mind, and my current insecurity about my abilities!!!
I haven't contacted him since our last meeting/text exchange.... a combination of just not feeling like dealing with it, feeling sort of emotionally unpresentable, and not knowing whether or not what I have been doing is "working". The package he mentioned that he'd send me has not yet appeared. Today he included me in a mass email, "I am switching to this new email address to use it in conjunction with my ever-changing-always-improving website. The other address will still work but I will be using this as my primary address. Thanks!" (WHY does he want me to know about his website? I haven't even looked at it yet.) I'm just not really sure how to proceed...? it seems clear that I need to focus on making myself happy, yet at the moment that seems somewhat mysterious ?
((mishka)) thank you for checking in to me! you are so sweet!! (((everyone))))
