My general take on all this is Kalni.. has grown too much. She left her H behind.. and he is now.. not stepping up.
He needs to act.. in order for her to "see" it.
I agree to a point. Yes.. Sir Mixalot.. does need to step up.
But.. I will assure you.. he is not seeing anything that is prompting him to step up. Kalni and Sir Mixalot.. are stuck in the cycle that lead them "here" (DB.com). I have no doubt that Kalni will admit.. that were they are today.. seems very familiar.
Truth be told.. I am 100% on Kalni's side. Where she leads.. I will follow.. and will support her 110%.
As of yet.. she has not told me to go away. She has not "given up".
I feel I need to say to Sara.. this is not an attack from me. Me and you just disagree.. on a few things. All of this.. is food for thought. I am not trying to defeat your point of view.
The worst that could happen.. is Kalni's head goes a spinning.
Sometimes.. that can be a good thing.
"Shortcoming" I meant him giving up, and taking the closest exit out of our M..."
There was a lot of "Emotion" that went into him leaving. You know this. I still don't understand all of it.. but trust me.. he did not do that "lightly". Yes he left. But for him.. it was the only logical thing to do. It was the only out. People get "here" (OP Leaving) in many ways. They get to the point where leaving.. in their mind.. is better than "working on it". Honestly it is a "true giving" measure on some levels.
"Selfish?"
To a point. Me and you have touched on this some.. and disagreed. I like the selfish you when you are leading. I do not like selfish you.. when you are demanding. There is a difference.
"Dont you see I was trying to limit myself in so many ways to accommodate his denial to follow?"
Yes. Why would you think I did not see it? You know me better than this.
"I lowered myself so that he could reach me?"
Yes.. Yes you did. But if you really look at it.. He did not "see" it that way. So.. what you did.. does not work. That I am sure of. It is time to rethink.. or back away.
"I am not perfect, I am not special, but I may still be scary to him because of the way he is, not the way I am..."
I have a question.. for you.. and only you.
How many times.. in my postings here (Db.com).. do you think I have felt the exact same way you are right there?
Do I need to list my offense's?
How many people think I am "scary".
"Hostile? I am not hostile."
Not even a little bit?
"I am patient lately, thinking before I speak, thinking of ways to act in a positive way for our M."
Get used to this.
"Get angry."
This will not help. From what I know about Sir Mixalot.. he will run and hide from this. He can see your anger.. long before you can.
"And he is not likely to step up to the plate and treat you any better unless you demand it of him."
Hmm.. I might come back to that.
"Regarding your husband however, it is clear that you must reduce or at least temper your expectations."
"I see a woman who has used the crisis her husband perpetuated to look deeply inside, grow, and change. In the process I believe you reached that magical point where you took off the rose colored glasses that so many of us had on during our marriages."
"Your husband, as is typical with walkaways, has done nothing on himself it seems."
"Let's not forget along the way to do the right thing for you as well."
"Your husband grossly under performs here."
This is where me and Bill.. step out of "timing".
"He makes me question his ability to reach for a deeper, more meaningful relationship. I've come to believe that he wants to come home, that he wants to restore your marriage (though I still do not know for what reason - and that is a bit sad). But it seems as though every tiny little bit of opening up and expressing his love must be dragged out of him."
He is walking back with everything he left with. Of course you will have to drag it out. That is what got them "here".
"All I can say is that if he has always been this closed, it is quite possible he is finding this VERY difficult. Remember, he is very much the man he was when he walked out."
See.. even Bill agrees.
"But Forrest is right I think when he says that if you do not change your approach here, these next seven weeks will be agonizingly long"
I hate.. being right.. really I do. I want you.. to be right!
"Now you must allow yourself to navigate a bit, AND have compassion on this man who is clearly lost."
This.. right here.. is the key. I am handing it to you. You do with it what you can.
"But Forrest, you do sound like you excuse my H and expect me to forget and act as if too much too often. That's why I said you ask for too much."
I am not excusing anything. There is no excuse for what he has done. In that.. you move on. I have never asked you to "act as if" too much. You chose this.. you "Worked".. and you ask me to keep supporting you. You have the chance.. that many people here.. dream of. I carry you around with each post I make.. why would you not expect me to "hammer" on you? Come on Sunshine. Show me you get all this stuff. You are smart.. you can do it.
"I've been thinking about these WAS's and how they go off to do their thing and whatever they want, and they assume that everyone around them is standing still. They can go off and have the affair, and when they are ready to come back, everything will be the same. No consequences."
I will assure you that no WAS.. ever expected to come come back with..
No consequences.
I am gonna leave it at that.. I don't want to offend.. or stir up the DQ.
Kalni...
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
