I need to vent here otherwise I may do something I regret...
My story never really changes. My H shows some effort and then backs off. I sound like a broken record because I just don't know if I can keep doing this. My H and I have been getting along fine although I have (and a part of me knows I shouldn't) pushed a few R talks. Last time we talked face to face (a week ago), my H made it clear that he can't handle many R talks although he acknowledged that we need to have them. I agreed to limit them to C or let him try to initiate them. Two days after the conversation, my H left town for a conference and he got back last night (he did tack on an extra day on to have some fun). He did contact me almost daily by email or text but there have been no phone calls. Now that he is back, he starts a trial tomorrow so I know he is scrambling and his mind is elsewhere. So why do I feel like if he is really trying to work on our M, he would pick up the phone and just to say something like "Hi. I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing"? Is that really too much to ask???
So, also last Monday, my H and I had to discuss rescheduling our C appointment AGAIN because at the last minute, he had to cancel due to work. I asked my H if he wanted to really wanted to reschedule. He said that he knows it is important to me and then he added that it is important to him. That was sweet but I get such conflicting messages from him...it drives me CRAZY!!!
I want sometimes want to scream because I need more than this. I started crying today because just I heard a romantic song and it reminded me of what is missing in my life.
So, today my H sent me yet another email with nothing very personal and certainly nothing about us seeing each other or even talking anytime in the near future. I wasn't very happy about it. I came so close to calling my H to tell him how I am feeling. I even picked up the phone and started dialing the number but I stopped myself. I figured what was the point because I already knew it would just end badly and that is the worst thing I could do when my H is getting ready for a trial.
There is a growing part of me that just wants to move on and close this chapter of my life. This month it will be two years since my H walked out the door. My H acknowledges that when he left he thought his anger was because of the M but now understands the anger is within him. He still pulls out the marital problems when it is convenient but for the most part he gets that this isn't about the M. So, if he understands that it wasn't the M that made him unhappy, then I can't understand why he can't move back and we can work on his issues together.
I so miss the nice man my H used to be. I have found my heart melting when a man is nice and pays attention to me...sometimes if I just see a man being nice to his W. I can't help but wonder if my H will ever be like he used to be. He keeps telling me how he had been living everyone else's life. Well maybe he was putting on an act all those years and he wasn't really the nice guy I thought he was after all.
My feelings toward my H seem to cycle about as much as my H cycles. I think it would be so easy for me to fall back in love with him if he showed interest in me...on the other hand, when I don't spend time with him, I don't really miss him like I used to. If I ended this, part of me would be sad and the other part of me would be relieved.
I guess I will wait to see if my H shows up for C on Wednesday. After he had to have me reschedule at least 3 or 4 of our last appointments in December...then for our session two weeks ago, he showed up for the last 5 minutes (he says he got the time wrong)...then he had to cancel last Monday's session...I am not putting a whole lot of faith into him showing especially since he will be in trial this week. So basically, we have had 5 minutes of C in the last month and a half...grrr!!! He always seems to have an excuse and he probably will on Wednesday.
Sorry for my rant. I don't know if any of this makes sense but it feels better to get it out. I don't mean to seem ungrateful and I do know there are a lot of positives in my sitch but I am sure that there are some of you out there that can understand my frustration. Thanks for "listening".
