So, today was not so great. Girlfriend and I had a long talk today at lunch. She came out and told me what she feels that she needs from me and it just doesn't match what I am prepared for.
She wants to move our relationship forward. She wants to be married and start a family. She needs some kind of commitment from me and I cannot give her that right now. When I told her I couldn't commit to anything right now she asked if i love her. I told her yes, because i do. She then said she doesnt understand how I can love her but not be ready to commit. Bean says that is a cultural thing. She then said that we should probably stop seeing each other because she is getting to attached. I told her that I understand what she wants and that it may be best to stop now because I cant commit to anything.
I hate it, I really do have strong feelings for her. I just cannot say that I am ready for something that I know I am not. I have a lot of healing left to do still and unfortunately I know that I do not have it in me to try and promise something that I cannot deliver. I had explained to her before that my heart is still broken. I told her that and she said she understood. Unfortunately people grow attached and this is what it has led to.
The crazy thing is that all along I thought that I was maintaining a level of detachment and that if it came to this I would be ok. Yet today I am terribly sad. I hate that I have such an incredible woman in my life and cannot be what she needs me to be. I hate that I have grown so attached to her niece. I hate that I am not ready for her. I hate that I hurt and am crying. I didn't think this would happen......
You know the worst part is that today has been extremely eye opening as to how much damage I sustained during this last 3 years. I know that people recover and their hearts heal and they are able to commit again. I just wonder how and when you actually know. Today, I do not feel like I will ever be able to do that. I know that I only feel this way because of what has occurred, but damn it thats just how it seems right now...
Anyway, I am going to step back for a bit. No contact and just let her be. I hate loosing her, but I also would hate myself for hurting her down the road.
Sorry for the bummer post.....It's just where I am at today...
