Well...

[SDFoundGirl]

OK then, let's see what we can do for ya. First, let me just say that I wish I could smack your idiot H upside the head with a 2x4. What a maroon, as Bugs Bunny would say!

Yes. Yes he is. And you have my full permission to whack him a good one. :-)

And I have to say, your post sent a little shiver down my spine. For full disclosure, I will confess that every very great once-in-a-while I too succumb to the snooping temptation, even with no real hints of trouble to make me "go there." I'm thankful that I've never found any bad surprises - but I fully understand how hard it is to completely give up those insecurities that came from being bombed. (((Serious hugs)))

I'm glad you've never found anything. And yes, someone who's never been in our position can't understand that compulsion...that sense of never being 100%. I miss that trust and faith so much, and I don't see that I will ever get that back.

I have to say, I'd actually backed off a lot from it. However, after Christmas I put forth some extra effort to get access to something to check it all out. STRANGELY I was sort of comforted to find out that contact didn't start up again all of a sudden; it had just never ceased. I know that may sound weird, but if things are generally good with us and contact is still happening AND I never noticed anything, then it becomes less of a worry/crisis. That may make no sense to anyone else, but the best thing I did was dig deeper than what I'd originally found to see the big picture.

ONE thing I am sure of is that H doesn't fake anything well, so I'm pretty sure nothing is going on.

So, let me harp a little on my usual rant about OW. She's not important, an icky band-aid, remember? Whether she's fat and haggard, or a nympho supermodel, doesn't make a bit of difference.

Ah yes, but it gives me a perverse pleasure to know she has become EVEN MORE of a hag. Surely you can give me that sweet, sweet pleasure. And I don't want to run her over with a truck. However, I'd just ADORE it if she developed a horrible flatulence problem, her teeth turned funky green and black, and she started sprouting long gray hairs from her chin.

Yes, I know she's a symptom, and it's not even about her. It's about H...about how dang frustrated I am to have gone through as much MC as we did and to have personally worked as hard as I have on our M only to have him doing the same sh*t that contributed to the demise of our M in the first place. He still holds onto stuff and pretends it doesn't bother him. He's all wrapped up in the enlightenment cr*p, believing that he's able to just let things go and not have human feelings. Which, no matter how much we work on ourselves, is just not possible. So, instead of saying, "Hey, SD, you really ticked me off when..." or, "You know what I'd like more of? When you want to jump my bones in the morning," or whatever.

This I cannot do FOR him. I have expressed my desire to hear what he has to say, many times, in many ways. I have told him my fear is he will just hold on to things like before instead of letting us work together to address our issues. I don't know what else I could possibly do on that front. At some point it has to be his responsibility, right?

It's been a while, and I confess my memory is vague. Did you ever confront H, so that he knows all about your having read The Letter, way back when?

Here's why I ask. It sounds to me like H is downplaying to himself the significance of his EA.

Well, if that's where he's coming from, I think it's high time for that to change.

You said:

Well...it sorta helps that it wasn't a PA (though I think the long term effects on *me* are worse than if it had just been about sex).

Does H really get this? Does he understand that you know the full depth of his emotional betrayal of your marriage, and that this is EVERY BIT OR EVEN MORE damaging than if he slept with her? Betraying you with his body is one thing, but betraying you with his heart - only someone who's been where we have been could really know how much that wounds us. It's not all in your head, SD, and there's nothing trivial or inconsequential about it. If you don't think H truly comprehends the devastating impact of his past actions, then I think you need to spell it out for him - because that's the root of why a "harmless" 20 minute phone call sends you into a tailspin.

I finally told him I knew about The Letter at the end of December. He said that his IC had told him to write it as a way to express himself and get his feelings off his chest. I asked if she'd told him to write multiple drafts including one that begged her to consider him, and he had no answer. His main response was, "That was TWO years ago!" I also told him then (as I'd told him a couple of times before) that his emotional attachment had hurt me in a way that sex with her never could...that the emotional attachment was by far the worst thing anyone had ever done to hurt me. I don't know how to spell it out any plainer than that.

Can I confess something here? You might remember I developed a friendship with a guy while H and I were going through all of this...he was going through something similar with an ex-GF. Although we kept it platonic, we were both really attracted to each other. Ultimately, we ended our contact with each other out of respect to H as we were reconciling.

Well, there are times I wish I'd gone ahead and cheated on H. Let him feel even a fraction of the pain he caused me and has NEVER apologized for. Still doesn't get or care...or maybe can't accept that he did such a horrible, human thing. 'Cause H is the "good guy" to everyone, considers himself an upstanding human being, and to admit what he did and how badly he hurt me might be impossible to his self image. He preserves that picture at all costs...hence the martyrdom.

There have been times, lately, where I've fantasized about calling my friend up and doing just that. Not nice, but it's honest and true and I would never act on it.

Now, before this thread gets totally off into the weeds of the dark side, I want you to tell us a lot more about the GOOD stuff. You said things have generally been positive between you - share some that! What's been good lately?

You said you're stepping up spending time with each other. GALing for yourself is always important, but so is GALing together! Don't just settle for getting back to having a mostly-happy marriage. You have already become the Jedi Master of Personal Growth; now think about how to generate some Relationship Growth as well.
Rob

Well, generally we get along. Things have been pretty smooth. We go out to eat, to movies, etc. However, most of the really good stuff has been in the past month, and it's mostly because I've really stepped it up myself. (I wish I didn't have to do all the work...H wants things, but he won't ask, won't mention them, just waits for me to figure it out. Mostly I have to snoop to know anything...and I use that information to work on us. *sigh*)

So, in the past month I have made sure that when we're together, I do nothing else. I can multi-task really well, but you're never fully present when you do. So, if we're watching TV together, I snuggle up next to him and we chat about what we're watching. I have been suggesting activities--movies I want to see, restaurants I want to go to, people I want to hang out with, etc.--instead of waiting on him. I have been initiating sex more often and being available more often. ML has actually improved a lot in the last month, and that has everything to do with me trying to set the other stuff aside and just enjoying the sexual contact.

I have also really ramped up the way I dress. More dresses and skirts, more cleavage (tasteful, not hootchie), more heels. I make the conscious effort to accessorize and always look amazing. It's been good for my PMA too.

I journal every day and consciously work on letting go of the small stuff, working on my PMA so I am pretty positive. I would love it if I could have a bad day though and just be grumpy without it becoming a bad thing. I am a real person after all, and I do have bad days. I'm not much of a pretender.

I also initiated two big home improvement projects that have made a significant impact on our home. H is beyond excited about that.

Yesterday he told me I've been amazing lately, that he's so proud of me. I don't know what to think of that; I sort of feel like he's my parent or my teacher. So I earned a gold star? I want to be loved because of me, not because I've been a Very Good Girl. Incidentally, his number and duration of contacts with LW have decreased significantly since I stepped it up. Not gone, but way less. Stupid nasty band aid. You know, that gooey one floating in the pool.

So, that's it. Glad you chimed in as you always make me think. Plus I miss you guys...we spent a long, long summer and then some together.

I just wonder when I won't worry or wonder anymore, you know?