Thanks for checking on me. I finally spoke to XH on the phone this past weekend. I asked if he'd be able to meet in person sometime, but he pushed for the reason since we haven't had any issues requiring face to face contact since the separation. I explained that I wanted to apologize to him. His immediate response was that "it's water under the bridge" and then asked if I was trying to get back together with him. I said no, and that it was just very important to me that he knows I'm sorry. He told me he is quite happy, and I said that I am glad he is, and that hopefully someday he'll be able to forgive me.
That was that. I feel so much better now. Login, my motives were not selfish. I sincerely wanted and needed him to know that I'm sorry for destroying our family and giving up on our marriage (which he so adamantly tried to save). He was devastated that I wanted to give up and I told him he'd eventually thank me... So, I wasn't expecting anything but anger or indifference.
For me, a sense of closure comes from having the opportunity to acknowledge that I made a mistake and have grown from the experience. I felt it necessary that he know that I grew enough to understand, own and apologize for my giving up - otherwise he'd never know and only have his own conclusions to live by.
I'm doing much better and I'm actively getting a life!
