Exposing at EA

[sandi2]

Yes, I agree, and I have heard other wives say the same about their H's EA's. It is amazing, isn't it? Kind of lets us know that what is in the mind is very, very powerful!

[sandi2]

Hi, just wanted to pop in and see how you are doing. Let us hear from you.



Sandi2

[Still Waters]

Hey, Sandi. Thanks for checking in.

I had dinner with my W this week. It started out OK with both of us just catching up with each other. Chit chat about our jobs and whatnot. I was determined to not bring up the R, even though I had emailed her about getting a legal separation earlier in the week.

She eventually brought up the separation and we talked about it in a neutral way. Just going through the terms with her getting clarification on what it all means. But after we went through everything she started crying. She said she burst into tears and was a mess all day when I sent her the separation agreement. Then she said she wanted a D (this was the first time she used the D word with me), said she didn't know if she could come back to me even though she could see that I had changed and was doing really good. She said that I was a lot stronger than her and that she didn't know if she could do this anymore. She said she wasn't running away from the marriage, and that she wasn't running into another man's arms (she still denies the EA). She said that what she was doing was like "running into an open field." As if that's supposed to make me feel better! Typical WAS/MLC stuff.

I told her that I didn't want a D, but that I wouldn't resist if that's what she wanted. But I also told her that she would have to file. I also told her that since D was on the table that she would have to file for the separation as well. I'm not going to make this easy for her, which I think is what she wants. She wants me to put the D in her lap and tell her she can run off with my blessing. Well, that's not gonna happen. If you want to throw away a 10 year relationship, you're going to have to do it yourself and have it on your conscience.

We left the restaurant together and walked together for a bit. When it came time for us to go our own ways, she stopped and clearly didn't want to say goodbye. It was like she wanted a hug or for me to say that everything was OK. But I wasn't going to go there. I just said thanks for having dinner with me, told her to have a great rest of the week, said goodbye, and went on my way.

I haven't heard from her since nor have I tried to contact her. I'm going dark and letting her come to me. Let her run into her open field.

As for GAL, I've been doing really good. Been out with friends almost every other night, keeping in shape, and working hard. I can tell that my W sees how happy I am and it drives her kind of nuts, because she looks downright miserable. Back when she first moved out she said that she was so afraid that I would fall apart after she left. Well here we are a few months later and I'm the one doing pretty darn good while she's a big 'ol mess.

[sandi2]

Thanks for updating what has been going on. Sounds like you did a super job and I know it will be hard and you will face some tough days ahead, but keep showing your improvements and strength. Keep getting a life. You owe it to yourself! When she gets out there in the dating world, she may come running home to your where she feels safe. Hopefuly, she will get her eyes open to what and who she really wants. By then, you may decide you don't want her back. Whatever or whichever way it goes, I want you to have peace and to find happiness. I hope you will continue to post and let us know what is going on b/c a lot of people care about your stitch.

All the best,
Sandi2

[Still Waters]

So I decided to do a 180 yesterday. My W is moving into a new apartment today (she only had a short lease at her first place), and I decided to shoot her an email to say that if she needed help moving this weekend that I have a little free time in the early afternoon on Sunday. I figured that she would think that I'd be all depressed and hating her because she brought up divorce last time we talked, so I was cheery in the email and acting as if everything was just peachy with me.

Well, wouldn't you know it, she called me about a minute after I sent that email. She said that she thought I was mad at her and wouldn't want to talk. Then she apologized for saying things that might have hurt me the other night, and she also started in swearing that there was nothing between her and the OM. She said he was a good friend but that she found him physically repulsive. I thought that last bit was going a bit far. The guy is not better looking than me, but he's certainly not repulsive, nowhere near it. Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

So she said she might call me today to help her move but that her girlfriends were already coming over to help, so I doubt she'll call. She also apologized that things were still "up in the air" with us, which is a change from earlier in the week when she seemed convinced that she wanted a divorce. The roller coaster ride continues!

[sandi2]

Just be careful that you do not do things to enable an affair with her and OM. The "friendship" card is the oldest one they use. I understand you wanting to be friend-ly to her, but it is a fine line in being a friend and being "used". Just be careful.


Sandi2

[Still Waters]

What's everybody's beliefs on exposing affairs to your spouse's family? If busting up an affair is the goal, it seems like a good idea. But it also seems to go against DBing.

And if it's an EA, or if you only have proof of an EA, then is it even worth it to expose to family? It seems that most people don't understand how harmful EAs are, except for people like us who are going through or have gone through a separation/divorce.

[Still Waters]

Thanks for reminding me about that, Sandi. There's a fine line between being friendly and being a friend. I'm slowly finding that balance.

[sandi2]

There are a lot of pros and cons on exposing an EA. If your goal is to bust it up.....it could push her into a PA. If my H had exsposed me to my family, I would have left embarrassed and ashamed and probably straight to the OM. I believe the spouse should be confronted about the A and try to work it out between the couple. If the OM is M, then you start getting into more problems. Should his W know, etc. Should the kids be told and if so, at how old should they be and how much should they be told, etc.

My problem was that in my stitch, my elderly mother was told, and it caused her to go down health-wise a lot that year. I felt she was innocent and should not have been involved. The argument is--that the person that is involved in the affair should have thought about all of the innocent people before entering the affair! The thing about EA's is that most of the time that is the last thing that anyone involved thinks about. I know it was with me. So, I still don't know what the best thing to do.....about EA's and especially if she already has left you. I know what Puppy says and he will probably give you his advice. I have changed my opinion about exposing affairs in some situations. So, I have come around quite a bit, but I'm still not sure about the same rule applying to every stitch. Perhaps that sounds "off" somehow, but I am just remembering how I felt as an AWAW and what I would have done in the frame of mind that I was in at that time, and it would have been the worst thing that I could have done! I think it should be weighed very carefully and think about how it will affect those that are told, also. Guess I shouldn't even say anything, but that is just my feelings.

[Still Waters]

So my W is going all out trying to get me to change the name on her cell phone account and put it into her name. I mean, come on now. Doesn't she realize how obvious it is that she's trying to hide something? The truth is I didn't even think to check her phone records until she brought it up.

So I just called the cell phone company and requested bills for the past six months be mailed to me. I want to be done with the snooping, but I also want to see what she's hiding. I realize I probably won't like what I find, but I'd rather know than not.