Welcome to the forum. I've looked through some of your previous posts. You've done incredibly well to pull yourself together mentally, emotionally and physically, and turn things around - I know the "do or die" attitude all that must have required only too well - and don't ever let that spirit die down. Its the difference between men that have fulfilled and connected lives and relationships and those that don't.
I don't get so much time to post here these days, but I've got a few pointers that may help with the SSM issue:
(1) You've done tremendous self-improvement - keep at it - keep "pushing your edge" in all the important areas of your life.
(2) You've read the NMMNG book, so you're aware of the dangers of the "covert contract" - so many men do this in their marriages - it can only end in resentment or worse. At the risk of stating the obvious - DO NOT EVER fall back into the covert contract way of thinking - as in "I've made all these improvements to myself, yet I'm still not getting as much sex as I want, its a waste of time, I'm gonna stop, life's pointless etc etc". As soon as that kind of thought enters your mind - boot it right out again. You've probably realised by now that your mind is the engine of your entire life - thoughts are its fuel - don't sabotage your recovery by clogging up your engine with limiting thoughts again.
(3) Sexual desire is obviously a powerful urge within most men - but it is simply one manifestation of our unique life force/ energy/ capacity to create (think tall buildings and dams). Its a gift, not a compulsion. Remind yourself often that when you want to have sex with your wife - its you choosing to give her something - if she rejects you, its more her loss than yours and in the words of David Deida "makes no difference to who you already are". In other words sexual desire is a want not a need, its not something that you should ever as a man feel anxious or needy about. That is the kind of confident (not arrogant) vibe you want to put out. And its true - if (being pessimistic for a second) - your wife is simply unwilling to own her sexuality and work with you in having a mutually satisfying sex life, you are now quite able to leave her and find another woman who is. Yes, you have a child, yes, its an extreme measure, but it is a choice you undoubtedly have. So do not ever think of yourself as being "trapped" in an SSM. Its simply not the case - this point is all the more important given that your wife was all for leaving at one point - that doesn't mean she wasn't at fault in her own ways, or that she now has the upper hand.
(4) I've learnt a lot on this forum very recently about how women think about sex, how they need to be mentally seduced and opened up prior to the physical act itself. You're probably starting to work these things out already e.g. your latest post. If you have time, I recommend you look through the threads of Bagheera (male) and DanceQueen (female) who have both given me a lot of useful knowledge on this point - too much to condense here!
(5) I am very pleased to see you refer in your latest post to "optimism" - see my own signature. This is such a crucial ingredient on so many levels. Its necessary to do well in life generally, giving us the impetus to march into and through our fears. You already know this. But its also the one thing notable for its absence in probably every SSM - couples who for many different reasons are trapped in a cycle of rejection, resentment and despondency that it can ever be any different - its difficult where this is such a history for either partner to be "optimistic"; it requires tremendous mental and emotional strength (I know this). But it can be done and is worth it. Because it is an attribute that women value very highly in men. Optimism is effectively a form of courage - its looking at the future and saying "I will cope; I will be happy; I will be passionate." Women love that in men; it really does turn them on. Just don't base your optimism on the relationship - let it spring from your inner resources and circulate within the marriage.
That's enough from me - keep up the good work.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
