My Sad WAH Story: Is there Hope?

[MomInPain]

So sad to be here yet glad that there is a place to go where I am not alone.
I've just ordered DR and Love Must be Tough and it will be here on Wed.
I wanted to post my story and get any feedback possible as I fear there may be no hope for our M. This is LONG (warning)

Our marriage hasn't been picture perfect but I've never been unhappy and I didn't think he was either. Communication hasn't been our greatest asset. Neither on of us will speak up when we're upset. And we let things stew until we blow. Followed by great make up sex.

We've been together for 18 years and married for 12.

We both come from broken homes and always said we would work on our issues before ever going through with a divorce. Over the years H made statements that he wouldn't stay if he wasn't happy and we would then discuss the importance of talking out our problems.

When we decided to have kids we both decided that I would be a stay at home mom. So I've been at home for the past 10 years.
We've talked a few times about me going back to work, but it was never a real option. School was mentioned as well but $$ was always an issue. It was never a sit down and talk about it type of discussion.

My H took a management position at work just a little over 2 years ago. We understood that this position would mean a lot of extra hours and non stop calls from work. He would basically have no life. Why we thought this was a good idea, I will never know. I guess because the possibility of an even higher position and better pay was just around the corner.

In August 2008 I started to get a feeling that something just wasn't quite right. My H had called to say he was going out with the guys from work for "a couple" of drinks and would be home late. He ended up getting home at 3am. I tried calling several times with no answer, one time someone picked up and hung up immediately. Then again straight to voicemail. I was livid and called one of his friends that he was out with. He said he was on his way home. He arrived 30 minutes later. Friend lives 5 minutes away. I didn't speak with him for 3 days.

Once we were speaking again he revealed to me that he had been taking AD's that he has been to our Dr. and she suggested counseling. He has been feeling depressed for a while and couldn't seem to snap out of this funk. I was upset that he didn't tell me about seeing a Dr but I told him I was proud of him that he was taking care of himself. He apologized for not calling me when he was going to be out late and said he didn't know why he did it but he understood why I was so upset. He promised not to do it again.

Fast forward 2 days before Thanksgiving. I'm out shopping with the kids and I get a call at 4:30pm from H. He sounds like he is already drinking and says he is going out with the guys for "a couple of drinks" and will be home a bit late. Now I should tell you that he has been out ONCE before this since the last all nighter and he was home by 10:30pm which made me feel very secure.
He returns home at 3:30am. I texted him at 1:30am with "I think you are way past "a couple" of drinks" Thanks.
I say nothing to him the next morning. He acts as if he did nothing wrong. I finally explode on him telling him that either he chooses to be a father and a husband and does NOT go out with his friends from work or he chooses to be a bachelor. Period. We don't speak for the rest of the day. He tries to kiss me good night which I refuse.
I try to check his phone, email, credit card for evidence of OW. I can't. Either passwords are changed or everything is deleted. He catches me and asks me if I found what I was looking for. I told him no, you are very good at covering your tracks. I ask him if there is someone else. He says no.
Day after thanksgiving I get the speech ILYBINILWY. I thought I would die.
I beg, plead, cry, basically try to do everything in my power to change his mind.
He doesn't want to be married anymore. He isn't having any fun.

I have a disability. From Birth. Nothing to big, just a general weakness on one side. It does hinder me from doing a lot of things I would like to do, but I don't let it stop me from having fun. He now says that I am using my disability as an excuse and he doesn't like carrying the whole load.

He also is a neat freak, and I am not. This is another reason he wants out. He says I don't do a good job as a housekeeper. I do the minimum and not what needs to be done. I should have a schedule and keep on it at all times. He doesn't like that I do what I want, when I want. I have always tried to keep things neat and orderly for him, I admit I am not the cleanest person in the world, but I am not the lazy pig he makes me out to be.

So 2 days after Thanksgiving he is packing up stuff in our closet. I have no idea what he is doing. I panic, and tell him I think we need to take some time apart. After all, he has told me he doesn't want to be married anymore, he will always love me as the mother of his children. He's going to move out anyway I want it to me my choice. I mention counseling, either together or separately. He tells me to make the appointment and give me the time he is available. And then asks me to call him on monday with the time. He is leaving just as our s10 gets home from a friends. S10 is devistated. H leaves and tells me to call him if I need anything.

I'm sure that I've done everything wrong these past 2 months. Especially because he has told me just last week that he has started D papers. Christmas was hell, my B-day was hell, almost every day is hell.

He has been moving all of his stuff out, I think he is done. I have not made an effort to contact him. I have been working on GAL, I have been working on the 180, I have even applied for College to get a career.

My last explosion with him was 2 weeks ago. He asked for the kids SS#'s and when I asked him what for (he could easily get this info from his work) he told me he was starting D papers.
The next day I gave him the #'s and told him I wouldn't fight him on it. I would contact an A to know my rights. As I was saying this my friend pulled up as we were going out and I told him to please lock up before he left. I've kept things very low key and tried to listen more than speak.

A week after that, he was here to pick up the kids. I told him he looked like hell and asked him if he was taking care of himself. He said he was, but he wasn't sleeping very well. He asked if I had contacted an A and I just shook my head no and dropped the subject. I kept things light. Told him I passed a college placement and didn't have to take any pre college courses. It was all nice and friendly.

I'm going to church more and praying everyday for my H and our marriage. Is there any hope for us? I know everyone wants absolute answers and I know there aren't any. My H is so ready to be done with us. He is so ready to be done with our family and our plans and everything we ever talked about. Is there any hope that he could come around? God I hate this.

I miss my H, I miss my marriage, my kids HATE just seeing their dad ever 2 weeks.

That's it. If you read this far, thank you. Can't wait to get my books and give this a go. Praying for a miracle.