It seems to be working! Sometimes....

[sandycay]

One thing I have learned from my husband is that he very, very carefully watches my responses WHENEVER he shares feelings with me. He has always kept his feelings inside. He told the MC he does that either to avoid a fight with me or to avoid hurting me.
Yes, that's what H has said too.

Recently when he has shared feelings and I have gotten upset, he has said "This is why I don't tell you things you just get upset so what's the point?" My rapid-fire response has been "I want you to share things with me but I need to be able to get upset if I feel that way or else I am just shutting down instead of you". Felt I was RIGHT to say that, but that doesn't mean it was totally right...

You WANT him to share his feelings with you, right? But then you shove his face in them (SEE, you still love OW and you don't like ME--that's what i heard in your email). You have every right to feel that way but to communicate that in that way is probably pushing him away. It may not seem fair but it is true.
I don"t know why I did that off the cuff. I guess I just want the validation. I hear you.

He didn't say you were boring. He said traveling like that can be boring. Maybe all he did was watch old Jerry Springer episodes in the hotel room--he doubts you want to hear about that! Or maybe the coworker/married guy DID go out and hook up with someone and spent the next evening drinking beer and telling H about it. Do you think he would want to SHARE that subject matter with you? After what you two have been through?

He is not a trip anymore with the guy...they are back at the AFB (so other guy has to go home to his W, while H stays at his aunts house where meals are available to him.

I am just saying on the boring part it doesn't mean you. H tells me all the time "It's not about you", and he is right to a certain extent however he is feeling at any given moment I often assume he feels that way b/c of me. Even though we wish we were, I am sure we are not THAT all-consuming to our husbands...

I feel like I am writing this post to myself as much as to you, hope that is okay...I am just saying that if you panic and fire off long emails whenever H tells you something, he will back away from your drama (Unfortunately I know this from experience)
That's why i called on my like minded friends to hit me with the 2x4's

In fact your H even said,
I think sometimes when you get a little crazy...it makes me think....Jesus...I'm right back in it again
I too feel like I am right back at it before the B, me sensing something is amiss and questioning it and him denying... that's my desperation. I should have learned now that doesn't work
and he said
please try to be objective and please don't pick apart the words I used or anything, just try to understand the intent of the whole thing.

I hear a lot of ME in your posts to your H. From what I read you did kind of pick out the parts of what he said and give them back to him and tell him what was 'wrong' about them...

Please understand I am not trying to pick on you but to show you what I "See" that i have done that did NOT help my situation.

I don't feel your picking on me at all and I did pick and choose the bad parts because my radar is up. I appreciate your advice

In your latest response you were all anger and defensiveness. You TOLD HIM that he thought you were boring. I used to think for my H too but it didn't get me anywhere...
I was and I am but I will quelch it

I would acknowledge that he shared his feelings, thank him for being open with you. And then if you want to address your fears, I would not TELL him that he doesn't love you except as an obligation.

I might say, "H, from your reply it sounded to me like you want to do your duty and love and take care of me. To me I didn't hear that you love me just because I am me and you want me for your wife. It would mean a lot if you could tell me that you DO still want me, just because you do not for obligation" something like that.
[color:#3333FFDo you/ya'll think I should send another email like the one above or let it die? [/color]

Maybe I am just rambling. I just know anytime I told H what I thought he was thinking and took his responses to me line by line and gave him a rebuttal, he backed off from sharing with me for quite awhile and shut down again.
Great, I am sure that's what will happen. We will ignore the elephant until it surfaces againl. I just need to ignore the elephant even if it surfaces
Take care I will check on you later