If you snoop and confront her, then she will view it as big time control. So you can snoop and find out something you may not want to know and then let it eat you alive or drop the rope and let go. She will do what she wants anyway, she is an adult with a teenage mind right now. NOT the wife you know and love.
Snooping = anger and anxiety for you and only you. Why make things more difficult for yourself than they already are?
The more you argue the more justification she has to act crazy. Stop. You have to focus on YOU. If you don't want to sit in silence then don't. Get out of there for a while and do something for you.
The more you sit and dwell upon her and her craziness the more you will feel like your going out of your mind.
Your children and you is where your focus needs to be. The faster you figure this out the better.
I'm not trying to pry, just curious.... what were your arguments about this weekend?
You have to remember she knows you best. You have to take back your strings and stop letting her play you into arguments like a puppet. Don't give her any buttons to push. Arguing will only throw more gas on her fire my friend.
When you change, she will be forced to relate to you in a different way. You CAN control you. Take that back from her. She can easily tell when you have any negativity what so ever. You can't show her any. More fuel for the fire.
If she is acting decent then fine. If she starts to suck you into an argument or pull your strings, don't let her. Picture her like an emotional tornado. If you see a tornado headed your way are you gonna stop and try to talk it out of spinning? NO, all that will come of that is you getting sucked up into it's destruction and spit back out. Stay out of her way and let her spin by herself.
Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear. She doesn't know up from down right now and I don't care how she acts or what she says, she is not happy and if she can take away your happiness, better for her.
You have to remain strong and stop looking at her like your wife of old. She is not well right now.
Try not to make this more difficult. This takes a ton of patience and time for both of you. Stay strong.
This is going to seem very petty, but our arguements started from me asking if she was ok. She would say yes, why? Then here comes the nasty part, I would say you sure do seem mighty quiet. That gets me both barrels every time. You would think I would just leave it alone. Even though she does not have the feelings for me that she had, I still have them for her. If their is something bothering her, I want to help. If I ask anything at all about her, she reads that as I'm being nosey and getting in her business or trying to control her. None of which is true, is just genuine concern or friendly conversation. So normally unless she decides to speak to me, we just stare at the tv until it is bedtime. Sometimes we argue over our parenting differences, we basically raised our oldest to believe he had to earn what he wanted. He helped out around the house and always had a job for his gas and fun money. He turned out to be a loving appreciative young man. The one we are having our differences with now is 17, does not work, does very little around the house to help out, pretty much does whatever she wants and gets whatever she wants from my wife. She gets weekly gas money, any money she needs for going out. I always thought we should have stuck with making them earn what they get so it would be appreciated instead of expected. These are the two sources of most of our arguements.
You know what sets her off so you have to leave it alone. She knows something is wrong, but she doesn't know what yet. You need to act as if everything is ok for now and let her stew on her own.
I know how bad you want to help. You can't, and she doesn't want you to anyway. You have to leave this alone. Don't sit with her and stare at the tv. Get up and start making some serious changes, be a little mysterious. You have to change too in order to make it through this.
Your daughter has a new friend in your wife. She is in teenage mode too right now. It makes perfect sense.
I have tried, I have taken several long weekend trips with friends. I end up spending way too much time wondering what she is doing and more importantly, who she is with. I have no proof that their is someone else and she says their is not but I just have that feeling. Maybe it's just fear of the fact that it would be a whole new level of pain to have to deal with. She is so bitter, she blames all of the pain and confusion she is dealing with on our relationship, mostly me. Although it all gets directed at me.
SO-LOST,
Sorry I didn't catch this sooner. One thing to keep in mind is that all MLC'ers lie. Bottom line. So to start, assume that all of your suspicions are real. Assuming that they are, there is only one question that you need to answer......Do you love your spouse enough to forgive her? Can you really love her through this. If that answer is yes, then do the things that you can control, and that means you. There are no excuses if YOU still suck at the end of this......
To accept the things I cannot change To change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference.
Read it. Memorize it. Study it.
And when you are done with that, do it again.
And ask yourself what it is you can change. (((Hugs)))
Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
I have made some major changes, first I realized really quick that anger was not going to be helpful in anyway, I told myself I was not going let that take control of me no matter what and I have lived by that, also my wife & I switch off helping my youngest with homework from week to week. She and end up spending alot of time together since w ends up spending alot of time on weekends away from home. I probably did all the wrong things when the bomb was dropped on me almost two years ago, I felt like I had failed her in letting her know how much she means to me so I told her all the time, I wrote her letters and bought her flowers. I would put a single rose in her car. Everything I did seemed to push her away even further and even now, she acts more disconnected than ever. Their has been no intimacy for almost three years. We still sleep in the same bed, she just gets as far away as possible. She is so cold and bitter towards me most of the time but at night, I can still see the angel in there. I do love her and would gladly put all this behind us if I could. I can't help but wonder though, is she ever going to recover from all this? Maybe she can't, maybe she really does not love me anymore. Maybe I should give up hoping and trying. Life is too short to just keep wondering and waiting.
