Spellfire # 3 - Need a campfire here

[spellfire]

Something is changing with us. The other night we had a very frank conversation about our SSM. I think it is the first time ever we have really discussed the subject. I think the DBing I am doing on our R is helping us in this department also.

She expressed regret that in all the years we have been together, we still have not learned how to improve ML. I told her that it is a symptom of me pursuing and her avoiding. Each time we ML, it was "lets get this over with". How on earth can you take the time to be better lovers with that kind of pressure?

She expressed anger that in the past I have gotten frustrated when something ruins the time we set aside to ML, specifically that I would get frustrated at D4 for not going to sleep until late. I told her that when you only get to ML once every month or two, something interfering with the one scheduled time to ML is a much bigger deal than it should be. I have a shorter fuse all round since I am very HD and my needs are not being met. Also, if you have followed my story you know that I am having problems with D4's bedtime since my MIL is letting her nap as late as she wants and as long as she wants during the day. D4 not having any kind of consistent bedtime is encroaching on time and energy that W and I really need for each other.

She talked about feeling used, and how ML was all about my physical release, then after I wouldn't spend any time holding her or anything. I replied that is because we always end up ML late at night when she has an early start, and she is always in a hurry to do it and go to bed. I thought I had her best interests at heart by getting her to bed asap. I told her I would love to spend time with her afterwards, but the way she acts like ML is a chore, it does not encourage me to do so since I feel like I am taking up her precious sleep time already. I have also encouraged the idea that I need the physical release in order to leave her alone, since in the past that is the only thing that would convince her to ML. I should have known this would only cause a bigger barrier, but it was a learned pattern based on past experience, and one I was not really consciously aware of until now. Now I can see how the patterns I learned have hurt us, and such manipulative strategies to convince her to ML are doing harm over the long term, even if they are working in the short term. Now I simply ask her and then drop the subject, putting the ball in her court, and making sure not to get my hopes up or feel resentful if she says no.

I tried to tell her how her rejecting me makes me feel. She got defensive so I just dropped the subject. What I had to say was not really offensive and I need to get the message across to her, but she wouldn't let me finish what I had to say so I let it go for another time. Without really listening to what I had to say, she said she knows and she feels guilty. I am going to let her read SSM to hear my side of the story, since telling her raises her defenses. I asked her to read the first two chapters a few weeks back and so far she hasn't picked it up.

She told me she does not feel comfortable discussing specifics. I told her that a book I read said that if you can't talk about your sex life openly, then it is unlikely it will be good, which she considered and then proceeded to tell me things she liked and disliked when we ML.

This was a big step for us and makes me feel optimistic. Afterward we actually ended up ML and she was more responsive than she has been since we got married. She couldn't understand why she was so into it, she thought maybe it was because we haven't done anything for a while. I allowed myself a smile of satisfaction inside, since it has been no longer than usual, but the thing that has changed since then is our R: being emotionally open to each other for the first time in ages, feeling connected, having not argued for almost two months, spending quality time, and communicating better then we ever have.