I don't think you should have to step down from the type of relationship that you expect to have with a husband.
Regarding your husband however, it is clear that you must reduce or at least temper your expectations.
As I consider your situation, I see a woman who has used the crisis her husband perpetuated to look deeply inside, grow, and change. In the process I believe you reached that magical point where you took off the rose colored glasses that so many of us had on during our marriages.
Now mind you, rose colored glasses are not completely bad. We are not perfect, and neither are our spouses. Never will be. To some extent, the rose colored glasses are really just our willingness to accept and love our spouse despite their flaws and weaknesses (as we hope they will do for us as well).
In your case, I think your eyes were opened to deficencies in your relationship that you had allowed yourself to explain away. As your husband continued his exile, you reached the point where you realized you were no longer willing to accept a married life with either this many or such significant shortcomings.
Your husband, as is typical with walkaways, has done nothing on himself it seems. Don't they often leave thinking WE are the problem, so there is no reason for them to change. So when he reaches the point where he decides to return, he is unchanged from what he was when he left.
You are ahead of him Maria.
Far ahead.
I admire that you cling to the desire to do the right thing for your family and your children. Let's not forget along the way to do the right thing for you as well. It is very honest when you express the fear of reconciling without fixing these things and ultimately winding up in a similar state in another year or two.
Your husband grossly underperforms here. That is my feeling. He makes me question his ability to reach for a deeper, more meaningful relationship. I've come to believe that he wants to come home, that he wants to restore your marriage (though I still do not know for what reason - and that is a bit sad). But it seems as though every tiny little bit of opening up and expressing his love must be dragged out of him.
All I can say is that if he has always been this closed, it is quite possible he is finding this VERY difficult. Remember, he is very much the man he was when he walked out.
The eight weeks gave you a termination point, and I think that made you feel good. But Forrest is right I think when he says that if you do not change your approach here, these next seven weeks will be agonizingly long. Your husband is NOT going to become overnight the kind of loving, expressive man that you are needing right now.
Again, do NOT change what you desire. But you WILL have to change your expectations of him as these weeks unfold.
Progress is sometimes measured in small amounts unfortunately.
And finally, I'm not all that thrilled with your Counselors perspectives on OP. But then it bothers me anytime justification is applied to behavior that takes a spouse outside the marriage. On the other hand, I do like that they send you both out with things to do that can possibly begin to establish connections between the two of you.
As Forrest has told you, you are the leader here, like it or not. You are the leader because you have already traveled so much of this road. Now you must allow yourself to navigate a bit, AND have compassion on this man who is clearly lost.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
