Well...

[Rob1231]

Hi SD,

I'll echo Jen's sentiment - although I'm sorry you are having a rough time, I am always happy to hear from you. Missed you!

OK then, let's see what we can do for ya. First, let me just say that I wish I could smack your idiot H upside the head with a 2x4. What a maroon, as Bugs Bunny would say!

And I have to say, your post sent a little shiver down my spine. For full disclosure, I will confess that every very great once-in-a-while I too succumb to the snooping temptation, even with no real hints of trouble to make me "go there." I'm thankful that I've never found any bad surprises - but I fully understand how hard it is to completely give up those insecurities that came from being bombed. (((Serious hugs)))

So, let me harp a little on my usual rant about OW. She's not important, an icky band-aid, remember? Whether she's fat and haggard, or a nympho supermodel, doesn't make a bit of difference. She could be hit by a truck tomorrow (don't get any ideas!) and it wouldn't make your marriage one bit stronger. Because if it wasn't her, it would be someone else - if your H is not committed to your marriage, there are always going to be plenty of opportunities for him to stray. So instead of her, let's focus on the real problem - his attitude.

It's been a while, and I confess my memory is vague. Did you ever confront H, so that he knows all about your having read The Letter, way back when?

Here's why I ask. It sounds to me like H is downplaying to himself the significance of his EA. ("Heck, we never even did nuthing.") Telling himself that as long as it doesn't grow into a PA, it's just a little harmless fantasy. SD getting all upset about it her own problem, blowing things way outta proportion. Does that sound about right?

Well, if that's where he's coming from, I think it's high time for that to change.

You said:

Well...it sorta helps that it wasn't a PA (though I think the long term effects on *me* are worse than if it had just been about sex).

Does H really get this? Does he understand that you know the full depth of his emotional betrayal of your marriage, and that this is EVERY BIT OR EVEN MORE damaging than if he slept with her? Betraying you with his body is one thing, but betraying you with his heart - only someone who's been where we have been could really know how much that wounds us. It's not all in your head, SD, and there's nothing trivial or inconsequential about it. If you don't think H truly comprehends the devastating impact of his past actions, then I think you need to spell it out for him - because that's the root of why a "harmless" 20 minute phone call sends you into a tailspin.

Bottling this up is clearly eating away at you. Maybe if what you're doing isn't working, then do something different...?

Now, before this thread gets totally off into the weeds of the dark side, I want you to tell us a lot more about the GOOD stuff. You said things have generally been positive between you - share some that! What's been good lately?

You said you're stepping up spending time with each other. GALing for yourself is always important, but so is GALing together! Don't just settle for getting back to having a mostly-happy marriage. You have already become the Jedi Master of Personal Growth; now think about how to generate some Relationship Growth as well. It doesn't have to be all heart-to-heart conversations and bare-your-soul weekends, either. Just make sure you are putting that time and effort into having FUN together. (Just for example, W and I are still taking dancing lessons, among other things.)

Hang in there, SD, and keep smiling!

Rob