It seems to be working! Sometimes....

[sonshyn]

Sandycay,

You replied a while back on my thread and I feel that I could use your opinion now.

I want to start by saying that your story is inspirational and I hope your day was okay despite the anniversary it represented. The recent e-mail your H sent seems rather moving and I am glad that you responded.

I am wondering if my H and I are moving in a good direction as it feels like. Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Did you ever feel that way? How did you ope with the anxiety of not knowing where you were going?

My thread is short and I welcome your opinion. I know it is a lot to ask, but any words of wisdom are very appreciated. I just feel a little lost about what to do next.

Again, sorry if this feels like a hijack. I just wanted to reach out to people I seem to relate to and respect and welcome any advise you can give.

God Bless and have a great weekend!
K

[sandycay]

sonshyn,

I've tried to write this post a few different time because I don't want to seem to be a downer and not offer hope. Because there's always hope but the truth is:..... Yes, I often feel unsafe and the shoe could drop at any moment.

I ask myself why and that's what is important....

because he did it once he can do it again (but so could anyone else in your future)

He has free will (proved that once)

He's been to Disney World (I'm the same old state fair)

Not becuase of anything he has done (barring the last incident).

I think these feeling will get better after time, but that was part of what was discouraging about this recent incident is that it brought all that back and it was getting better. So, I hope it gets better again.

As far as the anxiety.... girl I take Wellbutrin because I've never been depressed thru out the whole thing but anxiety was killing me. Hopefully I will come off them in the future, my goal was after our one year reconcillation mark. Who knows about that though.

[sandycay]

Here's the email I have sent back to H in response to his. We have also been talking on the phone but it's quite awkward and quiet:

H

I've known you for along time now and although what happened last year surprised the hell out of me I still think I know YOU. Your words here make sense as to what I have been feeling (vibe) from you. I get that you want to take care of me and our kids. I get that. However, I need to feel like you want and need me in your life. Not out of duty or responsibility. Your a good man for that but as a woman I need to know my man wants me not out of duty. It's very unfair that you let Guam (our first seperation) since reconcilation dictate our future together. If I did that you would not be here now. It's very unfair.

I am unsure what you are angry at me about. I have worked on me since the time you left but I am only human and somethings were still hard to trust. I was beginning to trust that.

I will say again here because this seems to be the only medium that works for you to share your true feelings with me, that what I am getting from you (vibe).... I'm your mercy "wife". You have to do the right thing but your not happy with it. Your not happy with me and that's your choice. You choose not to be. I don't know why but I do know I don't have the power to change that. I've tried but really "your just not that into me". Does it hurt... hell yes after all this ... but it is what it is. I can not lie to myself about this anymore. It's evident when I talk to you... your silence speaks volume. I've seen how much you can talk, you just can't do that with me. Again, it just hurts.

This sucks and it's not where I wanted this to go,nor where I thought it would go after May. My heart still skips a beat when I think that.. know that your not "really" wanting me in that way. I am sad but I want you to know that I don't see that as a fault of yours. It just is the way it is. Your feelings are your feelings and love is a choice not a feeling. You need to reread that and understand it.

It hurts that you weren't honest with your feelings with me about you coming back to me. It baffles me that you have lingering emotions. It is over her and you just don't want to hurt my feelings again.. I get it but I don't like being lied to about it. Your still in love with her (you choose that) and the sooner you admit that to me and yourself the sooner we can resolve this. Sad thing is, I thought we had. I am weary of feeling like the life I am living is a lie. The conversation you had the other night spoke volumes... I am living a lie. You want to be in the company of others and that sucks because I am married to you. It is wrong. I am scared for our marriage and for myself. I don't want and can't feel like you are seeking others because eventually I will become vunerable too. I am only human and want to feel special to someone.

I am scared because I feel like I am losing the will to fight for this and I feel sad that I know it would be a big sigh of relief for you. I shouldn't feel that you would feel that way. You know how I would feel ...devasted again. I think you would feel differently if you thought I would be relieved that it was over. This probably makes no sense to you at all...


These things make me feel like a failure. Like I'm not good enough and I don't want to feel that way. It beats me down because I'm not enough for you. I tell myself it's not my fault or your fault that you feel that way and certainly shouldn't relfect who I am as a person. I should not feel that way about my husband's feelings for me. I make myself feel bad when I get those feelings and I shouldn't. I am not a bad person, in fact, most people find me quite attractive, funny and smart. I just wish you saw that in me, you used to. But again, I can't control that.

I hope I am able to convey what I am trying to tell you here.

SC

[sandycay]

Here's his reply:

I'm not sure where all of this is coming from...really I'm not. It
seems to me that we feed on each others unhappiness as much as each
others happiness. I come here and I am quite frankly....extremely
bored. I have one purpose....make money...so really....I'm not trying
to be a jerk, but excuse me if I get a little bored of sitting on a bed
flipping channels for days at a time. I mean really...it's been a week,
in the prison of a bedroom so to speak. Please gimmie a break with that
if I don't really have anything to talk about or get excited about. So
I don't have much to say....I start it...with that...I'll accept
that....then you give me a little 'tude and it's like....please...could
you just gimmie a break.? But you don't. You let it slip further and
then eventually I get tired of the whole thing and start to shut down.
I ask you about your day...what's going on....you're only interested in
my day...that's nice, except my day sucks...every day. So I don't want
to bitch about it.

That's it. I'm sorry if I'm not making a big enough deal about it. Or
maybe I'm just to stupid and missing the whole thing.

Love,
H

I sent this back to quickly because I was mad:
Yes, You missed most of the letter and ignored some very important items
that you don't want to address.. I guess. This isn't just about your 'tude
while your in Knoxville. Please re read my email and not with a 'tude.

You state your days suck... and your bored and have nothing to talk about it
but you've been in the same situation and had plenty to talk about ...again
just not with me.... Your bored with me. There is no tude just truths.

As far as our happiness feeding off each other I call BS. I have been
happy time and time again only to have it dashed by YOUR "lingering
feelings". I am not sure how you expect me to keep a happy face over that
time and time again. If anyone should be shutting down right now it should
be me. I am starting to that's what the email was about. I am sure your
pissed because that seems to be your only emotion you are capable of showing
me. I guess that helps make it easier to not like me. Just like before.
End of email


Now, am I crazy for thinking that he should have addressed some of the things in my earlier email. They were pretty powerful statements. Talked to him last night and this morning and he said nothing and has written nothing. Now it's like a big elephant in the room or is what I wrote the truth? Seems like if it wasn't.... wouldn't he say that?

[Silent Chrleader]

You guys are soooooo chasing your tails!!!

I am working so I can't go into detail now, but I really do think that things may not be as bad as they seem and you need to get back in touch with the DB "basics".

Please try to take a deep breath and just stop for bit. Remember that you and your H got back together very quickly in the greater scheme of things, and your H hasn't done C really, so it's easy to see why he is struggling with his feelings. He holds them in, and when he lets them out, you are devastated!

He's not wrong for his feelings or seeming lack thereof, and you are not wrong in being hurt! But neither does this mean that your M is "doomed". Far from it IMHO!!

I'll try to call you tonight......and/or hopefully we can get together tomorrow and really talk.....

Hang in there!!!!!

[[[[[[[[[[BIG HUGS]]]]]]]]]]

[Kalni]

Sandy,
back off a bit. I know its hard, I am almost in the same state you are and I can relate. He is not choosing to ignore you, he cant tell you anything more. In his head, he is doing his best. He maybe having lingering feelings but those feelings are not the issue now because you should consider on how to strengthen your relationship and not how to kill those.

You gave him some clear messages. He did too. He says he is providing for you (act of love for him) and that he is bored (not always but agrees with you). So, solution based Sandy, what can you do about that?

I would not send another email while angry. I would reread yours and his reply. Yours sounds like you are panicking. That can not be very attractive, can it?

Go back to the basics: GAL, PMA and stop obsessing over him and his thoughts. Even if you feel he cant see it, he feels it.
Regroup...
K

[sandycay]

SC - I know we are chasing our tails. That's what is driving me coocoo for cocoa puffs right now. I just wish he would address my concerns in my email.

I acknowledge he is not wrong for his feelings. I will stop now and go back and reread my DB basics.

[BobbiJo]

One thing I have learned from my husband is that he very, very carefully watches my responses WHENEVER he shares feelings with me. He has always kept his feelings inside. He told the MC he does that either to avoid a fight with me or to avoid hurting me.

Recently when he has shared feelings and I have gotten upset, he has said "This is why I don't tell you things you just get upset so what's the point?" My rapid-fire response has been "I want you to share things with me but I need to be able to get upset if I feel that way or else I am just shutting down instead of you". Felt I was RIGHT to say that, but that doesn't mean it was totally right...

You WANT him to share his feelings with you, right? But then you shove his face in them (SEE, you still love OW and you don't like ME--that's what i heard in your email). You have every right to feel that way but to communicate that in that way is probably pushing him away. It may not seem fair but it is true.

He didn't say you were boring. He said traveling like that can be boring. Maybe all he did was watch old Jerry Springer episodes in the hotel room--he doubts you want to hear about that! Or maybe the coworker/married guy DID go out and hook up with someone and spent the next evening drinking beer and telling H about it. Do you think he would want to SHARE that subject matter with you? After what you two have been through?

I am just saying on the boring part it doesn't mean you. H tells me all the time "It's not about you", and he is right to a certain extent however he is feeling at any given moment I often assume he feels that way b/c of me. Even though we wish we were, I am sure we are not THAT all-consuming to our husbands...

I feel like I am writing this post to myself as much as to you, hope that is okay...I am just saying that if you panic and fire off long emails whenever H tells you something, he will back away from your drama (Unfortunately I know this from experience)

In fact your H even said,
I think sometimes when you get a little crazy...it makes me think....Jesus...I'm right back in it again
and he said
please try to be objective and please don't pick apart the words I used or anything, just try to understand the intent of the whole thing.

I hear a lot of ME in your posts to your H. From what I read you did kind of pick out the parts of what he said and give them back to him and tell him what was 'wrong' about them...

Please understand I am not trying to pick on you but to show you what I "See" that i have done that did NOT help my situation.

In your latest response you were all anger and defensiveness. You TOLD HIM that he thought you were boring. I used to think for my H too but it didn't get me anywhere...

I would acknowledge that he shared his feelings, thank him for being open with you. And then if you want to address your fears, I would not TELL him that he doesn't love you except as an obligation.

I might say, "H, from your reply it sounded to me like you want to do your duty and love and take care of me. To me I didn't hear that you love me just because I am me and you want me for your wife. It would mean a lot if you could tell me that you DO still want me, just because you do not for obligation" something like that.

Maybe I am just rambling. I just know anytime I told H what I thought he was thinking and took his responses to me line by line and gave him a rebuttal, he backed off from sharing with me for quite awhile and shut down again.

Take care I will check on you later

[sandycay]

Sandy,
back off a bit. I know its hard, I am almost in the same state you are and I can relate. He is not choosing to ignore you, he cant tell you anything more. In his head, he is doing his best. He maybe having lingering feelings but those feelings are not the issue now because you should consider on how to strengthen your relationship and not how to kill those.
I will back off, seems what I am doing is not working anyway.
You gave him some clear messages. He did too. He says he is providing for you (act of love for him) and that he is bored (not always but agrees with you). So, solution based Sandy, what can you do about that?
He's not bored when he spends time with me, I think he's bored on this trip because he's not going to go out right now based on what he said the other night. Solution based me says not to linger on the phone, reduce the amount of calls...ie don't answer every time thus spreading out the conversations and maybe we will have more to talk about

I would not send another email while angry. I would reread yours and his reply. Yours sounds like you are panicking. That can not be very attractive, can it?
Your right I'm panicking and it's not attractive and seems desperate so that's got to change.


Go back to the basics: GAL, PMA and stop obsessing over him and his thoughts. Even if you feel he cant see it, he feels it.
Regroup...

Yes ma'am
K

[Tomato]

Hi Sandy

I hope you are having a nice day.

I just skimmed over your last posts enough to agree with SC about the chasing your tails.

IMO (and I am sure in hindsight U probably see it now) that response to his EM should NEVER have been sent by you. It was very deconstructive. By all means have the feelings (ha ha ...cuz we can't stop ourselves from that) but sometimes the best option when it comes to effective communication is to stay in "listening" mode (80 % of communication from what I am told) and thereby leave a bunch of those thoughts (sometimes poisonous one's) unsaid.

That's enough 2X4 ...you probably agree ..lol.

On the whole you are doing great. Much of that is due to sheer persistence and dedication to your goal. Something that I wish a lot more people had when it comes to M :(.

Stay firmly attached to our Almighty God and to those DB principles. Bring glory to His name ..now and always


T