It seems to be working! Sometimes....

[sandycay]

Here's the email I have sent back to H in response to his. We have also been talking on the phone but it's quite awkward and quiet:

H

I've known you for along time now and although what happened last year surprised the hell out of me I still think I know YOU. Your words here make sense as to what I have been feeling (vibe) from you. I get that you want to take care of me and our kids. I get that. However, I need to feel like you want and need me in your life. Not out of duty or responsibility. Your a good man for that but as a woman I need to know my man wants me not out of duty. It's very unfair that you let Guam (our first seperation) since reconcilation dictate our future together. If I did that you would not be here now. It's very unfair.

I am unsure what you are angry at me about. I have worked on me since the time you left but I am only human and somethings were still hard to trust. I was beginning to trust that.

I will say again here because this seems to be the only medium that works for you to share your true feelings with me, that what I am getting from you (vibe).... I'm your mercy "wife". You have to do the right thing but your not happy with it. Your not happy with me and that's your choice. You choose not to be. I don't know why but I do know I don't have the power to change that. I've tried but really "your just not that into me". Does it hurt... hell yes after all this ... but it is what it is. I can not lie to myself about this anymore. It's evident when I talk to you... your silence speaks volume. I've seen how much you can talk, you just can't do that with me. Again, it just hurts.

This sucks and it's not where I wanted this to go,nor where I thought it would go after May. My heart still skips a beat when I think that.. know that your not "really" wanting me in that way. I am sad but I want you to know that I don't see that as a fault of yours. It just is the way it is. Your feelings are your feelings and love is a choice not a feeling. You need to reread that and understand it.

It hurts that you weren't honest with your feelings with me about you coming back to me. It baffles me that you have lingering emotions. It is over her and you just don't want to hurt my feelings again.. I get it but I don't like being lied to about it. Your still in love with her (you choose that) and the sooner you admit that to me and yourself the sooner we can resolve this. Sad thing is, I thought we had. I am weary of feeling like the life I am living is a lie. The conversation you had the other night spoke volumes... I am living a lie. You want to be in the company of others and that sucks because I am married to you. It is wrong. I am scared for our marriage and for myself. I don't want and can't feel like you are seeking others because eventually I will become vunerable too. I am only human and want to feel special to someone.

I am scared because I feel like I am losing the will to fight for this and I feel sad that I know it would be a big sigh of relief for you. I shouldn't feel that you would feel that way. You know how I would feel ...devasted again. I think you would feel differently if you thought I would be relieved that it was over. This probably makes no sense to you at all...


These things make me feel like a failure. Like I'm not good enough and I don't want to feel that way. It beats me down because I'm not enough for you. I tell myself it's not my fault or your fault that you feel that way and certainly shouldn't relfect who I am as a person. I should not feel that way about my husband's feelings for me. I make myself feel bad when I get those feelings and I shouldn't. I am not a bad person, in fact, most people find me quite attractive, funny and smart. I just wish you saw that in me, you used to. But again, I can't control that.

I hope I am able to convey what I am trying to tell you here.

SC