So I have been looking under rocks. And at the GYM lifting weights until sweat dripped down my face. Looking at websites for how to rock your man In the bedroom. I polished my nails. Made myself crazy. Looked crazy. Did not value my values anymore hoping that would wake him up? Kept trying to be prettier. If I am an expert at this BJ~ for sure , this will work. Let him walk all over me and then offered myself up again whenever he felt like it. Laid myself at his feet in hopes he would change. Bought jeans to accentuate my booty. Cried and pleaded my case. Told him how much I loved him. Cooked like a pro. Loved him too much, allowed bad behavior. Criticized him , surely if I point out his flaws he will miraculously change. If I worry enough about him he will be happy. Stop being me, pretend and lie to myself that this is all ok and I am happy. Withdraw and lose myself more. I could have put a wreath of flowers on my head and a beautiful long flowing dress and thrown myself in the Volcano?????
None of this worked.
Oh yeah and I read so may books? I have highlighted so may passages. I was smarter and more enlightened.
But~ I was looking for something that was in me all along. And sure it sounds like a great Music Video. But it is really what I did.
I now know that I can not give myself up in hopes of getting my hubby. I have to let him go in hopes of getting myself. I have to not sell myself out. I have to LOVE me, as silly as it sounds. I have to do this for me. I am not give up my integrity anymore. I have just done this recently. I am still a work in progress, but I have not felt peace like this in ages.
I selflessly gave of myself in order to save my M . But the ingredient that helped save it? Once it was saved I forgot about it. It eluded me. And so I was on the search , trying to find it.
It was me being me, and being true to myself and my INTEGRITY. It forced me to be more honest and humble with myself than I had been in a long time. I look back and read my old posts and I love that Woman , that Woman is me.
I am thankful to you all for listening to my story and for being there for me.
It is like if I looked at the sky and just realized . MY God it is blue.
I can finally see. I know I will not go back. I have suffered long enough. I am going to enjoy my H. Not try to, or work at. I am going to enjoy him He is welcome to come play with me. If he doesnt want to play fair then I will keep my integrity and he will have to figure it out. I am not waiting for any right moment to live ... that moment is honestly now.
I will keep posting my random thoughts. I am in the midst of transforming myself. And finding the me that has always been here. Not in hopes hubby will love me, he always did. I didn't love myself enough to ever really put myself first. On the surface I did. But deep down I was never good enough. I get it now, I really do.
PM is amazing, mind blowing. I have only gotten through a few pages because each sentence is a new learning for me. I'm writing all over the pages. I can't believe how much I didn't know! There should be a mandatory class in school or something. Everyone should know.
Keep traveling along that path, Ali.
Lucky
P.S. So you know, I won't be able to post as much this weekend with my husband home. I'll try to check in when I can!
PM is amazing, mind blowing. I have only gotten through a few pages because each sentence is a new learning for me. I'm writing all over the pages. I can't believe how much I didn't know! There should be a mandatory class in school or something. Everyone should know.
I loved it too. Mind blowing for sure. My pages were all marked too. And what I have found is that you go deeper the more you open yourself up and grow. It is amazing.
Have been keeping up with reading posts by you and Cinco. Your hubby blew up last night? What's up? Are you OK?
Lucky
I am ok sweetie thanks for asking.
I will explain it quickly like this. I think I am making headway , he agrees and we are fine and then boom back at ground ZERO. So then I have to start all over and gain momentum again so to speak and I freeze. Anxiety wins. I am far more centered and so I can bounce back ,,, but it is DRAINING. I cant bring my best from mush and exhaustion.
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And his response is always I dont want to talk you. ????????? And then If i dont call I am rude.....
Hmm ? he wants me to call around 1? I should do YOGA> that will help and I am going to talk to him like he is a good friend. Nothing more nothing less. *sigh*
This diva feels like that sweet little shy girl with coke bottle glasses on.
Old Timer posted this in another thread :\ I think that you are ASSuming a whole lot and trying to bury your head in the sand.
You are ASSuming that you know what H got from the book. Your take on the book is probably based a lot on your fears. You have no idea why H wants to talk about it or what he took from it.
H is WANTING to talk. Clearly he is getting something out of C and out of the book. It is HIS process, his path. Are you going to refuse to join him until/unless you are sure that he will see things the way you want him to see them? Say only those things you want him to say?
I'd suggest you try your best to be open and nonjudgmental. Don't hide from truth out of fear. If you don't let him express himself to you, he will no doubt express himself to others.
Intimacy entails honesty and openness. Can you not let him be who he is and let him show you?
Listen. REPORT your reactions, don't criticize or judge. Detach and listen.
As far as justifying leaving if that is what someone wants to do, well, if someone wants to leave they should do so. Love exists in a context of freedom and choice, not in a context of forced obligations and coercion.
And, if you are worried about him reading that he should leave if he wants to leave, I wouldn't. The book won't get him to leave if he doesn't want to. Nor will any book keep him there if he wants to leave. People invariably do what they most want to do on balance.
Don't run. Don't hide. Listen. Detach. Be compassionate. Don't make his discoveries about you. Hear what he is saying about him. Report your own reactions, "I am scared, I am relieved, I am hurt..."
If you want a partner, you won't find one by being there only when he is where you want him to be. _________________________ Best, Oldtimer
Thanks OT~ You are so wise. My H too is /was a heavy drinker . I loved all your advice to her. God bless you. I liked her thread title so I decided to read it this morning. God works in mysterious ways.
I talked to him and I didnt fret too much about it. It was fine.
I have been reading more in PM. ( Passionate Marriage ) ON differentiation.
I get it and then it seems like I don't.*sigh*
This is where I am at so far. I am working at/on "differentiation" I would call it .. standing on my own 2 feet. not trying at all to control his behavior or actions holding on to myself when he gets closer to me, or gets angry not losing myself in him being separate but closer wanting him in my life not needing him I could make a huge list but ...
So what I see is that I still need to get away from him when he is talking too much to me even when it is positive. I feel overwhelmed and want to hang up. I am not comfortable with the intimacy. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so used to being a certain distance from him. I get in my own way. I dont say anything rude but I do ... most likely sound like I would rather be doing something else.
I am trying to wrap my head around this w/o over thinking. I do see that I have mentioned this before .. THat *I* wasnt ready for what he was asking of me. He was giving me what I wanted and I didnt know what to do.
I asked for intimacy and I go it. ~Then it sacred the living daylights out of me. I found ways to push him away w/o even deliberately knowing wtf I was doing. I was sabotaging it. What I worked for I was pushing away.
Something like that. I am going to keep an effort to stay open and light. And keep reading PM. It has so much in there.
I have also given him 4 more "Fantasy Scenarios" And boy were they delicious. Mutually satisfying ,, not just him or me doing one or the other in the scenario , but both of us enjoying one another. Sharing ourselves. Taking and giving. Yes it can be doing or receiving but I have to open my mind up and work on my Role Play. I have been stuck on Partner Engagement for too long. I am in a rut and so is he.
Took me all of 10 minutes when I "surrendered" to it. *** this is G Rated BTW~ it wasnt phone sex we are talking about things we will do together sexually.******** Connecting. I have always had a hard time with this. More later...
I wasnt prepared for what to do when he was being close to me? I felt like I was suffocating? I asked him to go there and then was working hard to stop it. I also have to keep staying strong. And get stronger healthier , less controlling. I can only control myself. He is a part of my life , not my life. I see where I want to control it/him too. Like he does to me. I have admitted this before but no too much. It was harder to see when he was active with alcohol.
???????
When he has tantrums? I dont get so hurt like before. I love that... but still have to keep moving.....
You are the light of my life. I keep thinking about you. I hope you are doing well. You are as beautiful as you sound.
poet
Thanks love, I think of you often as well. I am doing very well thank you. There are still ups and downs but I am well. I have gotten to a better place for me. Your post made my day~ Love, Ali
What exactly do you love about your husband? You work so hard on yourself all the time. I'm interested in hearing about what you are working for. All I know from your posts is that he is extremely HD... All I can envision is an aggressive man who can be childish and abusive, but I need more than that to help me wish for you.
This isn't meant to hurt you. I really want to know about his qualities as a man and as a fellow human.
