Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Journaling (mostly about me, NOT my sitch):
REALLY LOOOOOOOOOOONG!

The last couple of days have been good. I saw my children today at church and, as always, that brightened. I've been feeling stronger emotionally as I've had less and less contact with XW. It's unfortunate I didn't follow others' advice earlier. But, I can't beat myself up over what I didn't do right. I only know that I didn't start backing away because I didn't think doing so was the correct thing to do. Sadly, in all of our sitches, we won't ever get the opportunity to go down a certain path and if that doesn't work, we can erase it and take a different option. But I guess, that's life. Do overs in life are never granted. We can't undo something we've done wrong.

Since I've come to the boards 3 years ago, I've become much more transparent with the people in my life. I've come clean on my secrets, which were burning a hole in my soul. I don't have things to hide any more. Now, I just tell the truth (tactfully, of course) and let the chips fall where they may. Strangely, my sitch has been a growing process for me. I am a better man today; better but sadder.

I've taken control of the other relationships in my life as a man should. I don't control others, I simply control myself and keep myself and others to my boundaries. I'm definitely a different man today than I was. Despite the fact that I have not moved as far in my R with XW, as I have in other R's is simply motivation to continue growing and stretching. With as far as I have come from where I was 3 years ago, I am committed to taking full advantage of all of the gifts given to me by God and making myself into the person that He wrote in His book before even one day had passed. I have finally truly forgiven myself for my mistake, my affair. I am no longer punishing myself. I know I am forgiven by the One who matter.

I signed on to Facebook recently. I didn't really keep in contact with anyone from HS or college, excepte my best friend from college. In HS, I had a good friend named Alison. We ran cross country together. We never dated. We were just good friends.

Anyway, I never forgot Alison and always wondered where she was and how she was doing. I've tried to find her though various social networking sites over the past 25 years, but to not avail. Well, when I signed onto Facebook, I didn't really fill everything out. My information was pretty skeletal. Regardless, I've had tons of friends from HS and college contact me. That has been wonderful to experience because I've spent the past several years being beaten on emotionally by my XW. It is really nice to KNOW by others' actions that I am not the a$$ that I was being told so often that I was and am. The people who have contacted me I haven't alienated the behavior that I was so often painted as displaying towards my XW. More help to drop more of the 'crap' piled on my shoulders onto the ground that has been weighing me down emotionally and physically. I feel lighter. Emotionally stronger.

I searched Alison on Facebook. I found her name and looked at the profile picture. The woman in the picture is HOT! I thought, "NO, that can't be her", and let it go, kinda bummed. Another empty search. No big deal, I thought. I'll just keep searching. It's already been 25 years. About a week after I searched for my friend, I received a friend request from the same woman, the HOTTIE! I thought, that WAS her! That IS her! I responded yes to the friend request and we started 'talking'.

Let me get this out of the way right now because everyone asks me about this. Alison has been happily married for 16 years and has three beautiful children. She lives up in Washington state. I always wanted to find her just to talk and to see how she is doing, hoping she is doing great. Well, we have re-connected and she is doing great and I am so happy that we've found each other. I don't have a lot of friends, and Alison and I instantly connected. We always had a special connection and it's amazing that we still do. I'm happier in general having re-connected with her.

One of the strange but amazing things is that we both really liked each other in HS. But my being a year older and having my own self-imposed restriction of not dating anyone younger than I, plus having a GF, made it so we were never anything more than buddies. It's so funny now to hear how she had a crush on me, but I was too dense to see it. We saw each other all the time. She went out of her way to see me. Honestly, I'm not much less dense as an adult. Mostly, I discount female attention towards me as anything other than an interest in me. Self esteem issue when it comes to women and rejection for sure. Started long before XW started hammering me.

Alison said she was reluctant and scared to send the friend request to me because she didn't think I'd remember her and might think she was an internet stalker. LOL. I laugh because I know my feelings about her and because I've had similar fears that caused hesitation in or debilitation from moving forward. Fear of the unknown. Fear of embarrassment, of humiliation, of rejection. Alison trudging through her fears is a great lesson in initiative and determination. I told her my story of not really keeping in contact with anyone from HS, but I did search for her, and only her, unsuccessfully mind you, for the last 20 years! She told me she thought I just might ignore her friend request. I can't explain how great it feels to find out that Alison, who I missed dearly and unsuccessfully tried to find for so long, felt so warmly for me also, even after all the time that has passed with no contact.

The point of me telling you about Alison, is to offer to you my growth learned and earned during my sitch. I told Alison in the beginning, please tell your husband (Jeff) about me. We aren't doing anything wrong and we're not going to. Alison said her husband is a jealous type. I repeated my plea, "Please tell Jeff about re-connecting with your HS friend, Tom." I told her, Jeff can even read our IM log. I could tell by her silence that SHE would not like that. I kept on it because, as I told her, "I finally found you after 25 years. Please don't make FB a sticky issue. I don't want to lose you over nothing. A secret from your husband, even though you and I aren't doing anything wrong, IS wrong because it's a secret; especially if Jeff finds out that you and I are talking and YOU didn't tell him and explain. I told her, I don't mean to pound my need to protect Jeff's feelings but, my pastor put it best: "It's everyone's responsibility to assist in assuring the success of ALL marriages." She said thank you. She will take care of it. Of course, the other reason I feel so strongly about helping Alison to do the right thing in her marriage is because of all of my time her with all of you. I don't ever want to contribute to the problems in any marriage, least of all Alison and Jeff's.

Alison kept telling me how I am so 'smooth' and probably have left a lot of broken hearts behind. I told her that everything I talk about is from reading, conversing with friends, praying and experience. I told her, I don't have a script or lines. I'm just me and if that's not enough I tell people to take a hike. Similarly, the two women that I 'spend time' with both had jealous reactions to my re-connecting with Alison even though she is married with 3 children and lives in Washington state. I had the same response for both of them, "I am not doing anything wrong. I'm being open, honest and transparent. It's unfortunate that you're having this baseless reaction, but I do understand. I understand and my relationship with Alison is separate from you and it's very important to me. End of story." I've never been an exclusive relationship with either of the women that I 'spend time' with, and have been up front honest with them from DAY 1. I am simply doing what I didn't do with my W, which is being transparent. I have nothing to hide. I am holding others to the boundary that I will not take your attacks. Every day I feel myself getting stronger. Soon, I will be strong with XW the same as I am in all of the rest of my life. I'm making progress.

In closing, I know I am getting stronger. I have re-connected with my 2 of my best friend from college. I have re-connected with many friends from long ago. I have reconnected with Alison. My spirit is nourished. My self esteem is bolstered. My confidence is high. I am really feeling what Frank always tells me. I am a good man. I've grown so much. I owe frank_D in particular, so many others who gave love, hope and encouragement, including the 'kick in the butt' crew that is always around to encourage productive behavior and admonish counter-productive behavior. If anyone reads down this far, I'll be astonished. Good morning, it's 4:05am PST. Going to bed.