Hi Everyone, I had to dust the cobwebs off of my thread. LOL
I need some input/advice on last night.
H and I attended a surprise 50th birthday party at a local restaurant of a friend. We had a very nice time and lots of laughs with friends.
When we got back to my house there was a truck parked in the garage in my place. I didn't recognize the truck and told H that I didn't. One of DD's friends had gotten a new truck,he had not been here in a while He was with two other of her friends. We walked in and they were playing Wii. H starts grumbling to them about being there. I asked the friend when he got the truck. He said,"I'm sorry I'm parked in your place, I'll move." I said, "That's okay, I'll move my car when you leave." The friends said they wanted to see my new car. They were going on how nice and fancy it was. DD said, "Give me your keys and we'll move your car." H and I walked out as DD and her friend were pulling it in the garage, the friend was driving. H started complaining that he was driving the car. Geez, the car was drive about 20 feet at the most. The boy got out of the car and was talking about how nice it was. I started telling him about the bells and whistles. I said it even has a power liftgate, try it out. Unfortunately, the liftgate hit the top of the garage, but it was so slowly so there was no force. H said,"Well, that was ignorant." All of DD's friend heard it. I could tell by the look on her face she was mortified. I told H, it was my fault.
The kids decided to leave. DD told me later it was because of that incident.
H kept complaining about the boy driving the car and the other stuff. He said why didn't DD drive it. I said it's a lot bigger than her car and I'm sure she was afraid she might not get it in there straight. He then said, "Who was that boy?" I said the boy she went to prom with last year and they hung out all the time last year. The boy has now graduated. It's pretty sad he doesn't know much about her friends.
Finally, I took all I could and told H, "No one can do anything to please you, me included." He said, "What does that mean?" I said "I have tried and tried to make things right between us and you always find fault with me." He said, "Why did we go to the party tonight then? I had a great time with you."
He then went on about how the house was never spotless enough for him. I said the house is clean. He said, "Yes, but not spotless." I said the only ones I know that work fulltime and have a spotless house are the ones that hire someone. I said right now I can't afford that.
He started in on the girls' dogs. I told him that if they had to get rid of them they would be devastated. I told him that those dogs filled a big void in their lives when he left us. He didn't say much after that.
I said we are married and we don't act like it. Married people don't live apart for two years. I said I love you, but I don't want to do this anymore. I said either we work this out or we get a divorce. He asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted my marriage, but I couldn't make him want it. I told him that he told me at the beginning of this mess that he wanted to be happy too. I said if I can't make you happy then we needed to get some closure. He said you just want to take my business, you can have it. I said no, but we will spit everything evenly.
He then reached over and hugged me and tried to initiate. I didn't respond. He let go and got up and left.
By the way he told me he no longer sees the OW outside work. I said how could I know that? He said ask our DD and she will tell you home I work and come home. I said I dont' ask her because I try not involve her. I said as long as the OW works for you I'll never fully feel comfortable that it is over.
So what now?
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Hi Everyone, He then went on about how the house was never spotless enough for him. I said the house is clean. He said, "Yes, but not spotless." I said the only ones I know that work fulltime and have a spotless house are the ones that hire someone. I said right now I can't afford that.
Well Yoyo, I believe this is called re-writing history. He has to justify his behavior somehow.
Originally Posted By: Yoyowife
I said we are married and we don't act like it. Married people don't live apart for two years. I said I love you, but I don't want to do this anymore. I said either we work this out or we get a divorce. He asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted my marriage, but I couldn't make him want it. I told him that he told me at the beginning of this mess that he wanted to be happy too. I said if I can't make you happy then we needed to get some closure. He said you just want to take my business, you can have it. I said no, but we will spit everything evenly.
He then reached over and hugged me and tried to initiate. I didn't respond. He let go and got up and left.
Good for you, you were assertive and cool.
Originally Posted By: Yoyowife
so what now?
I think you should go talk to an attorney to be prepared. You gave him an ultimatum. If you intend to go through with it, you need to be prepared.
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
Yoyo, plan B...it is time! send me an email and we can get in touch with each other. I will be back on line. D15 just got a text from her father and she is upset.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
The question for me is, did he run to her when you were hard on him?
He keeps pulling the same old song out of the box when you challenge him. I think all that grumbling about the truck was because he was looking for the happy ending to the evening, and the kids mucked it up. Sounds like he didn't get his happy ending.
It sounds like your H really had a major burr under his saddle. I sense that he was majorly upset with the situation he found when you two arrived to find your DD with her male friend. That it was something he was finding discomforting because it represented something he was losing control of. I've seen it in my W, the control-freak, angry at seeing how the consequences of their own actions have lead to them losing yet more -- rather than gaining -- control over the things they value in their life.
It disconcerted him and proved to him out of touch he has been.
But I also can sense that he had expected the end of the evening together with you to have gone a lot more pleasantly, and this just ruined his expectations.
I agree with Sara about wanting his happy ending and the kids being in the way.
As for the spotless house rubbish. When we die who wants to be remembered for a spotless house? This is an excuse he has gotten his teeth into and in a busy house it's nigh on impossible and he knows that.
The arrangement as it is obviously suits your H Yoyo. I really think it would take moving forward with a D to get him to change.....but if you take that step you have to be prepared to carry it through if you have to. I think your H thinks if he moves back home it will revert to how the M was prior to his A.
The longer it goes on the longer it will be to get him to alter. As far as your H is concerned, he doesn't need to do a 180 because as it stands it works. It's YOU it doesn't work for Yoyo, so you have to be the one to motivate hime to change.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
How are you feeling today? I'm thinking the same as the others. Your H had a different ending in mine! But maybe you still feel the same? I do think it would be hard to live in limbo long-term, and you are certainly entitled to want that to change. Karen
Hi yoyo, hope you are having a better day. It sounds like you are wearing down from all of this. 2 years is a long time and he is still fence sitting. I give you credit for holding on this long. I am struggling after 9 months with H never looking back.
Keeping you in my prayers. take care
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hi yoyo, I just wanted to send my prayers. I know how hard separation is since H and I have been apart 5 mths. I have no clue how long it will take, seems like I'm in for a long run, but I commend you on holding on and working for your marriage. Stay strong and continue to be an inspiration to us all. All the best.
Hi Vicky, Thanks for stopping by and for the prayers. I will include you in my prayers also. I pray every night for guidance and comfort for my DBing friends.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
This is an excuse he has gotten his teeth into and in a busy house it's nigh on impossible and he knows that.