Enjoying the "single" W-A-L-K (Faith 54)

[MAL]

Okay....I was upset that the Cardinals didn't win tonight, but it was a good game! A bit frustrating in that last few minutes, but that is what made it exciting. I had to leave the Super Bowl party early, and missed the half-time show, but I did catch the last part of the game, and most of the 4th quarter.

Wow, I've had a busy weekend. Then tonight we put the finishing touches on the two essays and applications for S14. They are due tomorrow.

He is applying to two academies here in the public schools:

• Global Studies and World Languages
  Legal Studies

He wants to do something with foreign relations eventually, State Department, CIA, language interpreter, foreign travel, or something like that.

So either academy will have benefits for him, but he prefers the Global Studies and World Languages academy. He is already taking Spanish. He would add a 2nd language during high school, and after college, he should know 3 languages. He's considering Chinese right now, and this is the only school in our city that offers it. (Not sure if I went into that much detail in earlier posts, so I apologize if I am repeating myself. That's what happens when you get old.)

He would have opportunities to travel in either academy, but some more foreign travel in this one (which he really wants to do).

If he doesn't get into that academy, then perhaps the other one. Both offer great opportunities that he would not find in his home school.

So anyway, that is just about done, and will be turned in tomorrow. Wish him luck! If he doesn't get into one of the academies, we may move this summer. I would rather stay where we are, but we'll see.

No updates yet on the search for S22's bio-dad. The email went to the man today (the one that I think is him). My friend is going to update me if he replies. In the meantime, I need to put some finishing touches on the email that I will send to him.

Talking about a tough email to write! Sigh.... Yo Dude! You have a son, here's his pics, wanna meet him again? LOL

Well, I wasn't that blunt, but it feels like that.

I know that it will be what it will be, and I'm okay with that. I'm doing the best I can do, and if he doesn't want to meet his son or share info with him, then it's his loss. S22 is a great kid!

I thought some more about what I posted about Robert, and I realized something else.....I see that in my earlier years I always felt like I was lucky to have someone love me. That maybe I didn't deserve it, or maybe I didn't have many choices, and I should be happy with what I got. I often lived in fear that my ex-H would leave me, and I was always grateful that he didn't. Of course that finally did come true, but imagine always living in fear that he might tire of me and move on.

Now, here I am knowing that it isn't like that for me anymore. If someone doesn't love me or leaves me, I'm okay with it. I don't live in fear, and I never will again.

It's the reverse of how I used to be, and today, I feel like the person who would be the walkaway.

I see it as a good and a bad thing. Good in that I have enough confidence in myself to know that I can live on my own, and I am not afraid of being left behind or hurt (been there done that). But it's a bad thing that I almost think I could walk away too easily now. And I don't want to hurt someone because I don't exactly know what I want.

So no long-term commitment feels too good right now.

I think it is just more indication that I'm still changing and growing. When I'm ready for more, I don't think I'll feel this way. I'm not worried too much about it all - I just need to understand it.

So for now, I'll keep thinking and over-analyzing like I always do, and I will figure it all out (like I always do). That just means more journaling here....while I work through it. LOL.