Trying to let go........with love!

[sandycay]

Allow me to clarify my cake eating take. I know I quoted a whole paragraph on the subject but I should have picked out the statement where the S said dad doesn't want you to move on. That's cake eating thinking. He wants to move along, do his own thing and then he wants SC and her S to clean up some dirty work and she is nice and kind and takes great care of her husband and I just think he needs to see how it will look when she's not there backing him up every step of the way. The rest was all positive. It was very sweet that he bought her a phone... he wants to keep in touch.

I also didn't mean H and S shouldn't talk and have a relationship with H but H shouldn't tell S about his escapades at any age. I don't think it's appropriate but that's just me.

SC - I know I explained this on the phone last night with you but I felt I needed to clarify my position here.


PS: Are you sure baby doesn't need a baby sitter? It's awfully cold where your going!!! I promise I won't lose her.

[MidwesternGirl]

About your H and his talking with your son.

I saw my h do this for awhile. H does not have any male friends and he has nobody to talk to except ow. I have no clue how much h talks to ow at all but he and s17 were pretty close. H has never discussed ow to S18 not once. There talks from what I gather are just casual.

All of that stopped in December.

They have a need to connect to someone in the family that they feel less threatened by.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

sandy, I wasn't aware that H was talking of "escapades" with women, and I don't think that is totally appropriate. I thought he was sharing his emotions with how he felt about the sitch, and I thought that was a good thing, as long as he wasn't bashing SC. So I guess I misunderstood.

On the cake-eating. I know there are a lot of people who talk about this, and I understand. Everyone needs to find their own line. All WAS will have this cake-eating phenomenon. It's just natural because they really are messed up and are afraid of losing both. With my H, I knew that God wanted me to be the best wife I could be. And I did. now it didn't mean that I was kissing butt, or being his slave, but I was being a good wife, and also being good to myself. So you have to find a balance.

hey SC, let those feelings of anger go, I know she did you wrong, but your kids know better, they are old enough, and they are smart enough. Don't let her control you, she is not worth it. You do not have to justify yourself to her, and she sure as heck doesn't deserve any of your time. She is the one who is pathetic, not you. I have pity on her, for she is weaving a life full of destruction for herself.

[dl443322]

SC, really, at the end of the day, the ow is nothing. She is an insecure, pathetic, woman with no morals. Not worth your time or your anger.

Punch a pillow, scream, throw something and then let it go. I refuse to give my h's ow any head space at all. She will not have any power over me.

We need to move forward, step by step and live our lives.

You know, I used to get angry at people when they said things happen for a reason. I couldnt see it. But now I really do.
This is a journey we were meant to take.

So, let's all take it together. Let the h's and their ow's lives happen to them.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hello, my Friends!

Beware!!!.......a LOT of journalling in this one......

Well, I'm back in civilization. We all had a pretty great time. The guys (my brother and step-brother) actually did the cooking. Tacos on Friday night and Bratwurst on Saturday. I did the dishes.

I was disappointed in the amount of snow left on the ground, but there we still some good spots for sledding and we made some use of them. The clear sky last night made for some great star gazing.

The boys rode the ATV and S17's friend rolled it, but he came out of it virtually unscathed (thank heaven!). My step-bro and S17's friend both play guitar so we had some good music both nights.

Saturday afternoon, everybody went into town to walk around for a couple hours. I took that time to relax and read and ended up taking a nap.

In some ways it was hard being up there. There is so much of H and our dreams and plans for the future up there. And now I know that all the time we were planning a building it, H was pulling further away from our M. I really tried not to dwell on those thoughts, but it was hard sometimes.

I think I am still having some depression, because I still get very tired very easy......but, I don't really want to look into different meds at this point, because I am doing OK on the whole.

S17 told me that the cell phone H gave to us, he actually bought and has been in his apartment for several months. S said that he originally bought it for S17 when his broke, but then H's Mom (who had a phone on our account) gave her's back, so H gave S17 that one instead (that is the one that now has a broken display screen). So, he didn't go out and buy it recently like I had interpreted his meaning when he gave it to me and said "Here, this is for you." and that "He had got it cheap on e-bay." This was the truth, but it had happened months ago and had noting really to do with me. And the phone is the most "plain jane" one I have ever seen. It doesn't even have different ring tones. It is only a digital display (no color or different font sized at all). No speed dials. Just plain and functional. So, I have kept my razor phone and S17 has opted to keep his phone even with the broken screen. So, while it was sort of a minimal thought that H gave us the phone rather than throw it away, it was by no means the actual going out of his way that it seemed at first. I don't think that H even realized how "plain" it was really.......I'm not even going to mention it to him again.

H has asked for my help this week and next weekend in working on the house. He said he did a lot of cleaning in it this weekend and seemed a little miffed at having to do that.....like he blamed me for "leaving it in shambles", yet when he left the house to move to his apt, he sure didn't clean after himself.....And I did clean up, but there was little I could do with the bare wood and concrete floors and what furniture is left is just scattered. It makes me sad to go into that house too, because it just seems symbolic of our shattered lives.

We had three contacts with H this weekend. Once he called S17 to remind him of what to do to turn on the heat and water when we got to the dream house. I didn't talk to him that time.

The other time was when they rolled the ATV. I told S17 to call H for directions on what, if anything, we should do with it after we got it back upright (i.e. maybe put oil in it since what was in it spilled out......). S17 said that H just got mad and yelled at him and told him to put it away and never touch it again! I didn't talk to H that time either, and I chose not to call him back to talk to him personally while he was in that mood.

The third time was when H called S17 to ask when we would get back to town so we could switch the car and truck back (am I paranoid or is he avoiding me?). Apparently H had to go into work tonight for some snafu. I was in the shower when he called. I called H back on this one and told him to go ahead and take the car, and I arranged to switch the cars then without H even having to be a part of it. H appreciated that.

I sometimes feel that I am making things too easy on H, but I do know that his plate is completely full with work stuff, and I want to do the right thing for following my own heart.

But, I often still find myself fighting the "future fu**ing" thoughts in my head. H has said that when he gets the financial/houses thing figured out, he will move into a room in the city for a close commute. When he does that, I fear that will be the end as far as he's concerned. S17 will be legally an "adult" and H will move along on his way "only carrying his own bucket" the way he wants it.

He spends several nights a week in the city anyway, supposedly working late and then usually meets "the guys" for a drink or something and just sleeps in one of the guest rooms where he works. I know that is ringing a lot of OW bells, and that may be the case. I try not to think about that either, because there's not a darn thing I can do about it.

My brother told me this weekend that our step-dad (who works for H) said that H told him he has no plans to sell the dream house at this time. Remember that is what H agreed to do if we D. He agreed to this in front of the kids. So, I don't know what to think. H has told me that with the market the way it is, he thinks he will try to rent it. Therefore, I don't really see him telling step-dad this as any real revelation. But, it does make me wonder what's in his head.

H has said that he is moving all the furniture and such that is still in the "main house" up to the dream house. H has said if we D, we will sell the dream house. H has said that he has no immediate plans to D. H has said that he just wants to get things settled financially so he can think more clearly. H is working mega-long hours with no let up in sight for the forseeable future.

I don't know what to think!! Is it good that I just wait and watch? Is that playing into his hands and setting me up for another heartbreak......like is he just trying to tread water financially but ultimately plans to move an OW into our dream house?......Do I really care anymore so long as he pays me the equity in it, because if that's the kind of man he is, I don't want him!!

My head is spinning, and I know I'm totally spinning my wheels on this. I'm tired and should just go to bed.

[LolaL]

Oh I remember being where you are!!! It is a long, painful journey. You are still relatively new in this. Six months w/ an MLC is a short period of time. I am sorry to have to tell you that.

I would like to share a few things with you that might make things a little easier. It may be difficult to implement, but you will do it in your own time.

The books are great to tell you what actions to take. They are right on point. But the problem with books is although they can tell you the actions you need to take, my belief is that you need to feel them first. Letting go is a lot harder than what books tell you. Unless you feel what you are doing, it won't work.

First things first, stop thinking. It doesn't help and it drives you crazy. Don't expect anything at all. Don't read into anything. Right now, the nicest gesture could mean absolutely nothing. I wracked my brains trying to figure out what my H was thinking, and why he was doing the things he was doing. I learned that all it did was leave me feeling like I was absolutely insane.

The thing is that your H's mind is shot right now. He will try working long hours to avoid having to deal with his personal issues. It will take time, but no matter how many hours he works, it will creep in. I have heard of some H's who call in the middle of the night. I have heard of some who completely break down. Mine starting having nightmares. It will creep in.

The most loving gesture you can do right now, for yourself, and for your H, is to let him go. It is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. You need to focus on life without him. It will make you stronger to deal with the possibility, and if he does decide to come back, it is an added bonus. Waiting for him to "come to his senses" will only drive you crazy. This does not mean you don't love him. It does not mean you have to date, or anything like that. It just means you are tapping into your inner strength and learning that life is possible without your H.

You also have to decide if you have the strength to handle this. You see, he may say ugly things. He may blame you. And then he will fall apart. And you have to stand back and let him do all of this, because this is HIS growing experience. One book I have read states that everyone goes through this type of experience, facing getting older, what life "hasn't" done, but it depends on what kind of emotional state you are in to deal with that. We have all questioned our lives at some point. I have, and realized that I am in a good place. It took me a long time and a lot of hard work, but I got there. So did our spouses, but they are not thinking about what they have, rather what they don't.

Also remember this, there are many spouses who have to watch the person they love go through this on a daily basis because they still live together full time. Trust me, you don't want that. I thank God now (and I never thought i would) that I have been separated for this period of time. The lessons I have personally learned I will take through my entire life, and I have not had to watch my beloved H break down and know there was not a damned thing I could do.

I think most of this is a state of mind. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not Mary F*cking Sunshine all the time. I get angry. I am sad. I miss my H so much some times it threatens the very breath in me. But I also know that my happiness is not dependent on him, it is dependent on me. Once you get there, you will realize life is a whole lot easier.

((((SC))))) Vent. Post. And remember we all know exactly what you are going through.

[glamgirl]

SC Lola's post is spot on. As much as it feels now that your h is moving further away and you are not even a blip on the radar, it's what must happen.

When they are out there it gives them time to think, to process their thoughts, without interference or distractions from you.

Try not to think too much into what your h is doing, because you can't stop him anyway.

My h is closer than he has ever been. Gee he even apologized for getting angry with me yesterday. That was huge. Our R wasn't like this in the beginning.

It was shattered and broken. We are NOT there yet nor are we healed, but the point is I walked your shoes and over time as my h has been healing it has brought us closer together not further away.

It takes letting go of your h. That is the most difficult. You need to do that first, before you could ever reconcile.

[sandycay]

Welcome back SC .. I never noticed we have the same initials.

I am glad you had some fun over the weekend. On the H front, all I can say is when I look back from where I am standing right now I can honestly say that I tried to analyze every word or action out of my H's mouth. I agonized over it constantly. I had OCD of the worst sorts.

Here's what I know now.... what a waste of time and energy it was. It didn't matter what he was thinking, saying or doing. Not one iota! It only caused me brain damage. It didn't matter in the long run what I THOUGHT he was THINKING. KWIM! Why bother except I know it's hard to not read into the little things.

This weekend of helping sounds interesting. Don't take the bait on him being pissy about anything. He does that as a defense mechanism. Gussy yourself up and show up with a pink tool belt if that's 180. This is your time to shine and commit to yourself.. even if he tries.... to no relationship talk. No talk about the future. If he starts just validate and try to change the subject. Emotions are sure to by high but I know you can do it!

He may say different things than what he "agreed" to earlier. My H did that.. but that's when you validate.

Example:
Your H says: SC I think I'm going to sell the dream house because of XYZ

SC says: "HHMMM I can see how feel that way. (you might could add "I wish it didn't have to be that way") but then drop it.

because honestly if he chooses D and you have to sell it..it doesnt' matter if you argue the point right now anyway. Don't throw it in his face about him changing his mind. Just let him ramble on about. My H did this often.... along with his woes is me story.... My H was going to be a greeter at Walmart because he didn't make enough money..... he was going to live in his car... he was going to move to Australia and live in a tent.... see where I am going . I could have argued many times and thrown in his face.. that's not what you said but my 180 was to validate what he was feeling....

Your H's not taking action yet and if he does you can't stop or control that but you can control how you respond up until the actions begin. I don't know if that makes sense!

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, [[[[[Lola & Glam]]]]].

I know that you are both spot on in your advice.

I am doing OK mostly, but I had some tough moments during our time up at the dream house.

I have a feeling this month is going to be full of ups and downs because the 19th is our 26th anniversary. I'm sure that H won't even mention it, and I am keeping my expectations at zero......in fact, I was thinking yesterday about what I would/should do if he did mention it or asked if I wanted to do something that night. I'm thinking it might be better to politely decline (which would be a real 180 for me)......??

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, (((((sandy)))))!

I know that the constant analyzing is a bottomless vortex that will only suck me dry......and I try to let it go and just be happy being me, but sometimes (and this may be hormonal) it gets a hold on me and it just drags me down!

I really need to do some more GAL stuff, like get into a yoga class again or something!!!

.... Gussy yourself up and show up with a pink tool belt ......

Actually, it was a standing joke between us that H would rather see me in a tool belt than a garter belt! But, with the way things are now between us, him being so tense and all, would he appreciate the joke or see that as "pursuing"??

....My H did this often.... along with his woes is me story.... My H was going to be a greeter at Walmart because he didn't make enough money..... he was going to live in his car... he was going to move to Australia and live in a tent....

LOL!!

Yep, they're wacko alright!

Hey, I'll be driving through your way tomorrow evening, you game to meet up?