Just getting back into town and trying to catch up with everyone. You sound great! Even though this is so painful and tough, you are handling everything so well. You are keeping yourself in check emotionally around him and giving him the time and space he needs, which is what he has asked for. Keep up the good work. You can do this.
Just a few thoughts while reading through.....(You've gotten such good support and advice. And your posts are sounding stronger and stronger.)
**You are right to keep your anger in check. Your feelings are a natural response to the inequity and pain of the situation, but you are right in saying how destructive your anger has the potential to be. Keep venting here. I think it helps release some of the feelings and tension just getting it out. Also, I feel like it helped me see some things more clearly about myself.
**Giving your H the framed pictures of the children is a great idea. It shows him you realize it will be hard for him to be away from the kids. An example of you taking the high road and being empathetic.
**I understand you thoughts on self confidence being an issue, and then he leaves, which doesn't help. This has been/is an issue for us too. Try to think about working on your confidence/feelings of worthiness just for you. Try to think of the benefits for you of higher self esteem, with the added benefits in your R with your H. (I have to keep reminding myself that I'm working on these goals for me, not to get my H's attention or encourage him to come home.)
**
Quote: He had to tell me 100 times he won't be here Saturday night, I just said have fun and asked no other questions.
Good for you!!!! It is tough to keep quiet when they do this, but you did a great job. During one of our post-bomb "talks" my H kept saying ILYBINILWY over and over and over. Just keep doing what you've been doing. Plan something extra special for you and the children - with friends if possible. Try to use the stop sign when thoughts of a possible OP enter your mind. Try not to figure out why he's doing this. The energy you spend on this is not worth it. What he's doing often won't make sense. Take care of yourself, and Satuday will be here and gone before you know it.
**About the apartment, my vote to "let him find his own damn apartment" was a quote from your post. I feel like it may have seemed that I was suggesting being angry about it. I just meant let him do it himself. Let him have the time and space he needs. I think you're right to keep your house a safe and soft place for him to be, and to continue to be his friend. Sorry if I made this unclear before!
**Try not to be swayed by his mood swings. They may have nothing to do with you. Early on, I was bracing myself before I saw my H each time, and my own attitude would swing wildly back and forth depending on my H's mood. It is so hard to separate yourself from his behavior, but try to put a little space there and depersonalize his behavior as much as possible. Try to have some sort of "safety net" to fall back on for when your H is acting down or withdrawn - maybe say a certain prayer or quote - maybe one of your great Ben Franklin quotes - over and over while you're with him when he's like that. Or have a designated friend to call after your H leaves, so you can tell yourself while he's there, I just have to put on the brave face for so long, then you can let it out. (My stepmother is a master at pretending everything is fine when it's not. This is something I had always criticized her for in the past. I now see that at certain times, in certain situations, that this is a real skill. )
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Quote: I guess that includes loving them when it is hard.
Very well said, Jackie. I have told myself over and over "for better or worse," although I have to admit I never thought we would be going through something like this. I definitely understand the feelings of "What am I doing? Am I nuts?" but I feel like you are standing for your marriage, which seems to some from the outside as if you are being a doormat, etc. I feel you are doing what's right in giving your M a chance. You are loving your H when he is at times what some would consider unlovable, and being a great example for your children.
**Is it possible to tell your family that your H is working/out of town on business, etc.? I'm not trying to advocate lying, but sometimes having people know can be even worse. Maybe your family would be understanding of your position, though. My own parents certainly would not, so I have only told my stepmother - and she knows only part of the story. I just have felt their concern for me would be more pressure, and that their negative feelings for my H would never go away. The whole idea of hurting their baby, etc. Just a thought.
Kind of long. Hopefully something here will make sense. I am learning so much from reading your thread. Hang in there. I agree that it seems your H has not yet closed the door at all.
**One other thing that helped me - soupman suggested that my H was hurting too, even thought it might be hard to see it. You are doing a wonderful job of seeing your H's pain. This helped me alot in dealing with the anger - even recently. To see them as hurting and confused (and almost vulnerable at times) seems to diffuse the rage somewhat.
Keep hanging in there. Thinking io and praying for you and your family. (((((Jackie)))))
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Seriously Jackie, the more I think about it the more I am against letting your folks into this mess. They love you and they'll take sides. Maybe I am wrong, but quoting Dragontales 'I wish I wish with all my heart' I had not told my folks. My brothers and sisters can deal with it, and be detached; my parents took it personally. Actually a friend warned me not to tell them but it was one week too late. That is the one thing I'd change of all I've gone through in the last 11 months.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Jackie, There are two rules that I followed in telling my family that have really worked, but I had to be the one to police the rules. 1) I never tolerate anyone bad mouthing my H. I don't do it. No one else can. 2) I never lean on them for support when things get bad. I just keep my mouth shut.
I know that last one in particular may seem wierd, when talking about family. Still it's important not to involve them in the marriage relationship. Complaining, bad mouthing, crying or openly anguishing makes it that more difficult to keep everyone on good terms.
When I first told my parents, my 77 year old Pop wanted to come out here and have a "man-to-man" talk with my H. I was pretty fiesty when I told my own father to stand down.
As far as I'm concerned, I'm the only one who has earned the right to hate my H, and until the day that I choose to exercise that right, everyone has to wait in line behind me.
I don't think there's anything wrong with telling your family, you just have to be strong enough to uphold the boundaries of your marriage.
I do debate about telling my parents, they are 10 hours away, so H not here would not be a huge impact, at least in the beginning. I like your stance z. If it comes to the point where I tell them, I'll take that road. I don't lean on them for support for all the reasons you have all listed. I don't want them hurt, I don't want to hear them ask a million questions about why, questions I can't fully answer. My sister and girlfriend can handle all this, they will forgive H if he comes back, I don't know if my parents could fully do that, that is my fear. So I need to explain this to H. Plus, as my FF said, having my parents driving 10 hours home after hearing the news and being upset might not be a good thing!
Hi Jackie........sounds like Disney is a go......enjoy.. As for telling relatives............be very careful...mine assumed things they had heard from outsiders.and once they hear something there ain't no changing their minds....if you do tell, don't put all blame on h and tell as little as possible. My dad is in nursing home and he does not know about h and I.. his mind is still partly ok, but I don't want him to know....he idolizes my h, and I think he would be angry and frankly it would devastate him....
Keep an open mind on the move......in my bible study book that I am reading it says we have a choice...to sit and be sad,dwell on negative, the bad OR to be happy and foccus on the good. You are doing great.
Hi Jackie........sounds like Disney is a go......enjoy.. As for telling relatives............be very careful...mine assumed things they had heard from outsiders.and once they hear something there ain't no changing their minds....if you do tell, don't put all blame on h and tell as little as possible. My dad is in nursing home and he does not know about h and I.. his mind is still partly ok, but I don't want him to know....he idolizes my h, and I think he would be angry and frankly it would devastate him....
Keep an open mind on the move......in my bible study book that I am reading it says we have a choice...to sit and be sad,dwell on negative, the bad OR to be happy and foccus on the good. You are doing great.
I think that is a good stance that z posted. I have told my mom and dad that there are some problems that we are trying to work through, but never talk negative to them about h or share details. I don't want them to be negative if he comes back to this relationship.
He didn't tell his family for a long time but when he moved in with his sister they all know now. I think it will be hard for me to face them again if we get back together.
I do think the less people that know about it the better, so less people to deal with when the marriage is back on firm footing.
I like what Sue posted about focussing on the good!
I think you are doing a great job of keeping your emotions in check and supporting your h's need to find himself here.
{{{{Jackie}}}}}}
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: I think I am a bit detached, but I want to be straight up with him about what I want
There is no question that he knows what YOU want, detaching is about giving him the space, and maybe ending up with what YOU want but that is up to him.
You can only control your own actions, he is free to make his own decisions, as we all are.
I agree with the others - avoid telling your parents if it is possible. Just tell them that H is away on a business trip or off ice fishing with his male friends. Sometimes parents can get in the way.
If things stay the way they are for awhile - then consider taking the "z" approach - that is what I did after The X dropped bomb #4.
Quote: There is no question that he knows what YOU want, detaching is about giving him the space, and maybe ending up with what YOU want but that is up to him.
You can only control your own actions, he is free to make his own decisions, as we all are.
I really like what Blue said. I always had problems with wanting to tell The X what I wanted - I am a wee bit on the impatient side - I need to know how things are right now. Not knowing or being in limbo is really hard for me!
Even with the X SSS GF, I gave him some space for about a week - but then I had to know what he was doing, why he was doing it and what it meant!
BTW: I am talking to SteveO about whether maybe he should consider DB'ing again. Would you mind stopping by his thread in Surviving the Big D and seeing if you see what I see... Most of us there are so much more focused on recovery that I think sometimes we miss the DB signs.
I told my parents when all this went down. I know that they are for marriage but that they also stay out of my business. So I think it really depends on your parents. If you think that they will handle it well then tell them but if you think they will try and talk to your H and be mad and hate him maybe it is not the best time to say anything.
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