Trying to let go........with love!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hello, my Friends!

Beware!!!.......a LOT of journalling in this one......

Well, I'm back in civilization. We all had a pretty great time. The guys (my brother and step-brother) actually did the cooking. Tacos on Friday night and Bratwurst on Saturday. I did the dishes.

I was disappointed in the amount of snow left on the ground, but there we still some good spots for sledding and we made some use of them. The clear sky last night made for some great star gazing.

The boys rode the ATV and S17's friend rolled it, but he came out of it virtually unscathed (thank heaven!). My step-bro and S17's friend both play guitar so we had some good music both nights.

Saturday afternoon, everybody went into town to walk around for a couple hours. I took that time to relax and read and ended up taking a nap.

In some ways it was hard being up there. There is so much of H and our dreams and plans for the future up there. And now I know that all the time we were planning a building it, H was pulling further away from our M. I really tried not to dwell on those thoughts, but it was hard sometimes.

I think I am still having some depression, because I still get very tired very easy......but, I don't really want to look into different meds at this point, because I am doing OK on the whole.

S17 told me that the cell phone H gave to us, he actually bought and has been in his apartment for several months. S said that he originally bought it for S17 when his broke, but then H's Mom (who had a phone on our account) gave her's back, so H gave S17 that one instead (that is the one that now has a broken display screen). So, he didn't go out and buy it recently like I had interpreted his meaning when he gave it to me and said "Here, this is for you." and that "He had got it cheap on e-bay." This was the truth, but it had happened months ago and had noting really to do with me. And the phone is the most "plain jane" one I have ever seen. It doesn't even have different ring tones. It is only a digital display (no color or different font sized at all). No speed dials. Just plain and functional. So, I have kept my razor phone and S17 has opted to keep his phone even with the broken screen. So, while it was sort of a minimal thought that H gave us the phone rather than throw it away, it was by no means the actual going out of his way that it seemed at first. I don't think that H even realized how "plain" it was really.......I'm not even going to mention it to him again.

H has asked for my help this week and next weekend in working on the house. He said he did a lot of cleaning in it this weekend and seemed a little miffed at having to do that.....like he blamed me for "leaving it in shambles", yet when he left the house to move to his apt, he sure didn't clean after himself.....And I did clean up, but there was little I could do with the bare wood and concrete floors and what furniture is left is just scattered. It makes me sad to go into that house too, because it just seems symbolic of our shattered lives.

We had three contacts with H this weekend. Once he called S17 to remind him of what to do to turn on the heat and water when we got to the dream house. I didn't talk to him that time.

The other time was when they rolled the ATV. I told S17 to call H for directions on what, if anything, we should do with it after we got it back upright (i.e. maybe put oil in it since what was in it spilled out......). S17 said that H just got mad and yelled at him and told him to put it away and never touch it again! I didn't talk to H that time either, and I chose not to call him back to talk to him personally while he was in that mood.

The third time was when H called S17 to ask when we would get back to town so we could switch the car and truck back (am I paranoid or is he avoiding me?). Apparently H had to go into work tonight for some snafu. I was in the shower when he called. I called H back on this one and told him to go ahead and take the car, and I arranged to switch the cars then without H even having to be a part of it. H appreciated that.

I sometimes feel that I am making things too easy on H, but I do know that his plate is completely full with work stuff, and I want to do the right thing for following my own heart.

But, I often still find myself fighting the "future fu**ing" thoughts in my head. H has said that when he gets the financial/houses thing figured out, he will move into a room in the city for a close commute. When he does that, I fear that will be the end as far as he's concerned. S17 will be legally an "adult" and H will move along on his way "only carrying his own bucket" the way he wants it.

He spends several nights a week in the city anyway, supposedly working late and then usually meets "the guys" for a drink or something and just sleeps in one of the guest rooms where he works. I know that is ringing a lot of OW bells, and that may be the case. I try not to think about that either, because there's not a darn thing I can do about it.

My brother told me this weekend that our step-dad (who works for H) said that H told him he has no plans to sell the dream house at this time. Remember that is what H agreed to do if we D. He agreed to this in front of the kids. So, I don't know what to think. H has told me that with the market the way it is, he thinks he will try to rent it. Therefore, I don't really see him telling step-dad this as any real revelation. But, it does make me wonder what's in his head.

H has said that he is moving all the furniture and such that is still in the "main house" up to the dream house. H has said if we D, we will sell the dream house. H has said that he has no immediate plans to D. H has said that he just wants to get things settled financially so he can think more clearly. H is working mega-long hours with no let up in sight for the forseeable future.

I don't know what to think!! Is it good that I just wait and watch? Is that playing into his hands and setting me up for another heartbreak......like is he just trying to tread water financially but ultimately plans to move an OW into our dream house?......Do I really care anymore so long as he pays me the equity in it, because if that's the kind of man he is, I don't want him!!

My head is spinning, and I know I'm totally spinning my wheels on this. I'm tired and should just go to bed.