Waiting for the Happily Ever After Part

[mockers2]

Hi Jackie ~

Just getting back into town and trying to catch up with everyone. You sound great! Even though this is so painful and tough, you are handling everything so well. You are keeping yourself in check emotionally around him and giving him the time and space he needs, which is what he has asked for. Keep up the good work. You can do this.


Just a few thoughts while reading through.....(You've gotten such good support and advice. And your posts are sounding stronger and stronger.)

**You are right to keep your anger in check. Your feelings are a natural response to the inequity and pain of the situation, but you are right in saying how destructive your anger has the potential to be. Keep venting here. I think it helps release some of the feelings and tension just getting it out. Also, I feel like it helped me see some things more clearly about myself.

**Giving your H the framed pictures of the children is a great idea. It shows him you realize it will be hard for him to be away from the kids. An example of you taking the high road and being empathetic.

**I understand you thoughts on self confidence being an issue, and then he leaves, which doesn't help. This has been/is an issue for us too. Try to think about working on your confidence/feelings of worthiness just for you. Try to think of the benefits for you of higher self esteem, with the added benefits in your R with your H. (I have to keep reminding myself that I'm working on these goals for me, not to get my H's attention or encourage him to come home.)

**

He had to tell me 100 times he won't be here Saturday night, I just said have fun and asked no other questions.

Good for you!!!! It is tough to keep quiet when they do this, but you did a great job. During one of our post-bomb "talks" my H kept saying ILYBINILWY over and over and over. Just keep doing what you've been doing. Plan something extra special for you and the children - with friends if possible. Try to use the stop sign when thoughts of a possible OP enter your mind. Try not to figure out why he's doing this. The energy you spend on this is not worth it. What he's doing often won't make sense. Take care of yourself, and Satuday will be here and gone before you know it.

**About the apartment, my vote to "let him find his own damn apartment" was a quote from your post. I feel like it may have seemed that I was suggesting being angry about it. I just meant let him do it himself. Let him have the time and space he needs. I think you're right to keep your house a safe and soft place for him to be, and to continue to be his friend. Sorry if I made this unclear before!

**Try not to be swayed by his mood swings. They may have nothing to do with you. Early on, I was bracing myself before I saw my H each time, and my own attitude would swing wildly back and forth depending on my H's mood. It is so hard to separate yourself from his behavior, but try to put a little space there and depersonalize his behavior as much as possible. Try to have some sort of "safety net" to fall back on for when your H is acting down or withdrawn - maybe say a certain prayer or quote - maybe one of your great Ben Franklin quotes - over and over while you're with him when he's like that. Or have a designated friend to call after your H leaves, so you can tell yourself while he's there, I just have to put on the brave face for so long, then you can let it out. (My stepmother is a master at pretending everything is fine when it's not. This is something I had always criticized her for in the past. I now see that at certain times, in certain situations, that this is a real skill. )

**

I guess that includes loving them when it is hard.

Very well said, Jackie. I have told myself over and over "for better or worse," although I have to admit I never thought we would be going through something like this. I definitely understand the feelings of "What am I doing? Am I nuts?" but I feel like you are standing for your marriage, which seems to some from the outside as if you are being a doormat, etc. I feel you are doing what's right in giving your M a chance. You are loving your H when he is at times what some would consider unlovable, and being a great example for your children.

**Is it possible to tell your family that your H is working/out of town on business, etc.? I'm not trying to advocate lying, but sometimes having people know can be even worse. Maybe your family would be understanding of your position, though. My own parents certainly would not, so I have only told my stepmother - and she knows only part of the story. I just have felt their concern for me would be more pressure, and that their negative feelings for my H would never go away. The whole idea of hurting their baby, etc. Just a thought.

Kind of long. Hopefully something here will make sense. I am learning so much from reading your thread. Hang in there. I agree that it seems your H has not yet closed the door at all.

**One other thing that helped me - soupman suggested that my H was hurting too, even thought it might be hard to see it. You are doing a wonderful job of seeing your H's pain. This helped me alot in dealing with the anger - even recently. To see them as hurting and confused (and almost vulnerable at times) seems to diffuse the rage somewhat.


Keep hanging in there. Thinking io and praying for you and your family. (((((Jackie)))))