Hi All, I'm new here. Me 38 H 38 3 boys = 9, 8, & 5 I'm a homemaker T 16y M 12y
My H has been in MLC for over 3 years. I got the following speech 15 months ago "I'm done living my life for you and the kids, I'm living my life for me. I'm going to come and go and do what I want. We never should have gotten married. I doubt my love for you". H is obsessed w/bodybuilding, supplements, new angry music, hair, clothes, Harley, himself in general. Had an EA last year at this time, there is no one now...99% sure. My H has never left our home. I spent an entire summer trying to GAL in conjunction with looking inside of me and recognizing my faults in our marriage. I ended up w/severe depression. I used DB counselor and I was told I was doing great GAL, but in reality for me I was in the process of grieving the death of my marriage. My goal has always been to keep us together. (H & I each have our own counselors, currently not in MC).
I find myself now feeling all done. Not only has H changed but I have changed as well. I have never believed in divorce yet I find myself thinking about what it would be like to not have H around all of the time. Since a huge blow up by H (drunk) on New Years Eve in front of our best friends his attitude has changed to Mr Nice Guy. The male friend ripped into my H for an hour that evening and prior to dealing w/H told me that I needed to get H out of the house. That I needed to be done with the disrespect and abuse that was being thrown at me...this coming from H friend of 25 years, who is also a Pastor. He made it clear that it was going to get worse and we are showing our sons something very ugly and this needs to stop NOW.
As I was saying, since then my H has been extremely nice. He hasn't said he wants to commit to fixing our M but he has made it clear that he doesn't want to move out (something I have started pushing). The past 4 months he has made an effort to reconnect w/our boys which is great, but confusing at the same time for me and them. Lately he has made it a point to inform me of things in his life; friends he's talked to on the phone, family problem w/his mom etc. Still no words out of his mouth trying to save our marriage. I find myself treating him differently. I realize that I don't NEED him anymore. I have been very clear about being done with how things have been. I recently told him I refuse to continue to live in limbo. Either we fix our M or we are done after we take our children to Disney in Feb. I'm very tired of living w/a man who I have loved for so long, considered my closest friend yet now avoids me at all costs and has become a stranger. He goes out of his way not having to touch me, yet he kisses me goodbye every morning before work. We still sleep in the same bed, didn't have sex for 4 months then a few weeks ago had sex that was quick and awkward in the middle of the night. I find all of this so bizzare.
I realize from all that I have read that pushing the MLC spouse into trying to fix the M is the wrong thing to do. At this point I don't care. I have been patient for 3 1/2 yrs. I've lost my father and grandmother in a 2 month period during all of this and had very little support from him. I feel prepared to handle him walking away, at least I would have a definite answer.
I'm on this forum looking for any advice I can find from anyone who has had a similar situation. I've found that most spouses in MLC have OP and have moved out of the house...not us. My wish for me, my H and my sons would be that our M could work, but that nugget of hope is "leaving the building". For the record...yes I go to church w/the boys, H doesn't, he goes to the gym. I not only pray to God about my M but I TALK to Him about it. I realize He has all of the control here and this is just one big bump in my life...I have a hard time thinking that God wants my M to be over and I guess that's why I'm here asking for any help before it's too late. Thank you for any advice!
Almostdone2, Hi, I'm sorry you have to be here on this site. Like you, I can relate to alot of what you are going through. My W and I are still sleeping in the same bed as well, no sex attempts by me any more, I have to watch touching her (as in feet touching, arms, etc in bed) as she almost jumps away (very Hypersensitive). She also is obsessed with exercising, dressing much younger (wearing clothes she talked about being unacceptable a year earlier), states she is numb and has no feelings for me (ILYBNILWY). I am continuing to live at home, but she wishes I would leave. I am still financially supporting my half of the commitment. I am much like you in how I am beginning to feel about her and the situation we are in. She doesn't want to work on our M at all. You are on the right site, as there are many good people to guide you. Read the posts here as I've gotten alot from other situations. Like you I'm giving my sitch over to God, and praying for guidance. Best of Luck to you... R
Hi R, Thanks for responding. As I read through your response I notice you are new at this MLC stuff. It looks like your wife dropped the bomb this past Nov. Holy crap, you are at the beginning of this nightmare. My heart goes out to you.
I'm done with all of the fighting and rejection. It's been over 2 years that my H has shown me any real affection. I've had little tidbits here and there but nothing major. My hope is disappearing.
I'd like to know when they are coming out of the fog do they have to say I want to work on the M or can it be an action, like being nicer? Smiling at me? Striking up conversations that are about me not just him? Anyone know the answer? My H is so nice to me now. We still have arguments but instead of me backing down I go right after him with force and now he's the one who backs down. I think he sees that I'm not scared of losing him anymore...but what does this mean? Is his MLC breaking down? Or is he just worried that I'm going to throw his butt out? Help! Thank you.
To my knowledge, I have heard everyone is different when and if they come out of the fog... Some say it takes a while to come out as well. If I argue with the W, she likes to accuse me of yelling so, I have to really be aware of my volume. I wish I could help you more with your sitch but, I'm too new to DB'ing. My W has shut me down to only conversation, she shows no response to anything. (I did get a Thanks the other day for doing some wash) She seems to be angry inside and won't let on to anything she is feeling...(She wants to keep me guessing) Sounds as though your H is riding a Roller Coaster. For what it's worth, most of the people here say to "Take Care of YOU" and let THEM work out THEIR problems... I can't understand how we can go from a "loving spouse" to someone who doesn't deserve their affection... Best of Luck, No, Best of "Life" to you. I'm tired of Luck... R
almostdone2, I also feel like I am at the beginning of this also. Although my xh started working really hard and taking supplements along with diet pills over 1 year ago. He left me in Sept. after I caught ow calling him. He cried and said all they typical things. He left in Sept. and we were divorced in Dec. My head is still spinning, I still feel like he is cheating. His best friends says he is lying to them all the time, and they feel he is unhappy and living a total LIE. My xh continues to kill himself working out and dating 25-30 year old women. He says he wants to try new things. He is almost 41! I so wish this was over!
R - I'm at a point now where I can sometimes laugh out loud about MLC, and I must admit the following from you just cracked me up "(I did get a Thanks the other day for doing some wash)". I know it's really not funny, but moments like that have been going on for so long in my house I now laugh about it. Pathetic, but honest.
I agree 100% w/this also..."I can't understand how we can go from a "loving spouse" to someone who doesn't deserve their affection... Best of Luck, No, Best of "Life" to you. I'm tired of Luck". Yep me too...I'm just fed up. I'm afraid of actually getting to a point of not caring at all b/c then it will be completely over for me and I'll become the "walk away spouse". I don't want that for my sons, they deserve to have two parents together, but shouldn't those parents be happy together? Eeek I want this to be over one way or another...and for those of you reading...I'm NOT patient, and yes I know patience is a virtue, blah blah blah, I'm 3 years into MLC, that's pretty patient from my perspective! Enough already -J
Sunshine- I'm so sorry your H is going through this and has now changed your life so drastically by taking up with young women who I'm sure aren't half as good as you are. I can't believe how fast you got divorced. Wow, it should not be able to happen that quickly. Something is truly wrong with our society...well that's for another day. The lying is going to bite him in so many ways along with all of the other BS he is doing. I'm just sorry you find yourself here. Stay strong and work on making yourself happy. I know it's hard to do sometimes, but if you force yourself to focus on you, it will become natural and fun! Remember this is about him and NOT about you. Take care. -J
