I talked to him and I didnt fret too much about it. It was fine.
I have been reading more in PM. ( Passionate Marriage ) ON differentiation.
I get it and then it seems like I don't.*sigh*
This is where I am at so far. I am working at/on "differentiation" I would call it .. standing on my own 2 feet. not trying at all to control his behavior or actions holding on to myself when he gets closer to me, or gets angry not losing myself in him being separate but closer wanting him in my life not needing him I could make a huge list but ...
So what I see is that I still need to get away from him when he is talking too much to me even when it is positive. I feel overwhelmed and want to hang up. I am not comfortable with the intimacy. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so used to being a certain distance from him. I get in my own way. I dont say anything rude but I do ... most likely sound like I would rather be doing something else.
I am trying to wrap my head around this w/o over thinking. I do see that I have mentioned this before .. THat *I* wasnt ready for what he was asking of me. He was giving me what I wanted and I didnt know what to do.
I asked for intimacy and I go it. ~Then it sacred the living daylights out of me. I found ways to push him away w/o even deliberately knowing wtf I was doing. I was sabotaging it. What I worked for I was pushing away.
Something like that. I am going to keep an effort to stay open and light. And keep reading PM. It has so much in there.
I have also given him 4 more "Fantasy Scenarios" And boy were they delicious. Mutually satisfying ,, not just him or me doing one or the other in the scenario , but both of us enjoying one another. Sharing ourselves. Taking and giving. Yes it can be doing or receiving but I have to open my mind up and work on my Role Play. I have been stuck on Partner Engagement for too long. I am in a rut and so is he.
Took me all of 10 minutes when I "surrendered" to it. *** this is G Rated BTW~ it wasnt phone sex we are talking about things we will do together sexually.******** Connecting. I have always had a hard time with this. More later...
I wasnt prepared for what to do when he was being close to me? I felt like I was suffocating? I asked him to go there and then was working hard to stop it. I also have to keep staying strong. And get stronger healthier , less controlling. I can only control myself. He is a part of my life , not my life. I see where I want to control it/him too. Like he does to me. I have admitted this before but no too much. It was harder to see when he was active with alcohol.
???????
When he has tantrums? I dont get so hurt like before. I love that... but still have to keep moving.....
