Hi All, I have not been posting to others much since coming over from MLC, but I was reading this and thought I could offer something maybe. Briefly, separated on and off 3 times in the last almost 2 yrs. Found out after 1st separation he had had long term A. He ended it,moved back in before either one of us was ready. This happened 3 times. This last time, I really thought he was out of the tunnel only to find he went back in and withdrew. I couldn't handle it. He may have stayed had I not pushed, but I think he was looking for an out. I left him alone after he moved out. Did my own thing, thinking painfully it would never work. Too much had happened. Finally alomost two months ago, I asked him out. We've been seeing each other ever since-latley quite alot. The difference is this time I initiate NO R. talks. Before I would always start them and try to "fix" him. Both of us would end up frustrated and mad. He did not enjoy our times together because he never knew what to expect. I always felt depleted after trying to get him to see "reason." Now, we enjoy each others company. Last time I asked him if he enjoyed being with me he said "yes", instead of "sometimes." I saw us in so much of what you were saying about the anger and hurt you hold inside while they act so weird-like they don't want to be home, and can be so cold and indifferent. I doubted if he even liked me,let alone loved me! It's very hard to take.You do walk on eggshells trying to do what you think will please them, but nothing seems to. I was almost relieved when he moved out this last time. I was at the end of my rope. We weren't happy, or I should say HE wasn't happy at all. He felt trapped. So...here we are,months later. I'm afraid to hope we are moving towards each other, but I guess that's what we're doing. He is still reluctant to say ILY, but admits he does when I asked him. He is kind, considerate, affectionate, and seems happier now overall.I know he is afraid to talk about us getting back together. So am I. I am afraid he'll say something negative about it, so I don't bring it up. I figure it's sensless to ask him to move home. When he wants to-he'll ask. It's hard when youv'e worked so long and hard on yourself and then you start seeing each other again not to get lost in him and trying to work on our R. I know I can't let that happen. He needs to see I have my own life. I want us back together,and I want our love back. We have been married a very log time and have 3 children. He has always been a wonderful Father, and up to when all this happened, a wonderful husband. I have alot of fears I'm trying to overcome, the main one being that he will just decide he deosn't love me anymore and can't get it back. All indications are that he is trying to get to know me again,likes spending time with me, and if my guess is right TRYING to find his way back. He even said he'd probably want to go to Colorado with me and youngest S over Thanksgiving to see oldest S. I asked, he said probably and I dropped it. I don't dwell on stuff. They can't handle it. I make my questions simple and matter of fact, and take what he says without question. He is spending the night tonight. Our S will be gone. He seems to like those times we can be together all night. I just have to give him enough space so he does not start feeling pressured again to make decisions he may not be ready to make yet. I suppose it's limbo to a degree that I have NO commitment,but I do have how he is acting towards me. It's somewhat mixed messages in that he is not forthcoming verbally how he is feeling, but his actions say he's wanting to explore the possibilities, and he likes to be with me. I know there is no OW. I say that, but I guess you always have that nagging doubt after you've been betrayed. It takes a long time to rebuild trust. I'm acting "as if" I trust him, and NEVER bring the OW up anymore. A big 180 for me. I guess I figure if he wanted, he he would be with her. He's had plenty of opportunity. He's never asked for a D. Awhile back when I was mad at him about something I told him to file-that it was over. He never did. I guess my point is that all this takes time. You have to learn to trust each other again, and feel comfortable together. When they leave, they don't know what else to do. They are so confused and are running from their pain. They have to know that to be around us will not cause more pain and that we are the friend-not the enemy. Please visit me on my thread-You Can't Hurry Love. I welcome all comments. We are all trying to find our way through this, and others input can give us a fresh perspective on things. Have a great weekend! Rachael
