You are doing so well - and it is tough DB'ing and not telling your H about your anger and pain.
I can relate to you wanting to tell him your thoughts and feelings. I wanted to do the same. The urge was so strong at times that I wrote my thoughts down in an email and then not send it. I would save it as a draft and that became my journal. I said that things I wanted to say - but The X never saw them.
I also feel the urge to talk about things when I am feeling upset or disturbed. I think it is a woman thing to want to talk things out, clear the air and work things out But I have noticed that the cave thing is very real for men. The more I use to press The X to talk, the more he would resist and the more overwhelmed he would become.
More recently, I have found in my interactions with the semi-GF that he also tends to withdraw if I press for explanations or ask him to clarify where he is and what he thinks. He tends to feel pressured, overwhelmed and then withdraw.
I also use to repeat things over and over again. I would change the format - but I would just keep hammering. Now I have realized that the first time I say something is usually enough. Everytime I repeat something - it just increases the pressure on a P and they seem to withdraw.
I have learned my lesson this time. I have learned to ask the semi-GF to tell me if he needs space to think. That way I don't feel shut out - I don't feel like his need for space is personal - it is just his way of processing his own thoughts. And it does seem to work - when I back off, he comes forward on his own to talk about his thoughts. Now I need to work on listening - insteading of trying to fix things!
From reading your thread, it seems like your H is not ready to make a decision yet. But, if you ask him to make a decision, it will probably be away from you. Even showing him that you are preparing for a D seems to confuse him. He sounds very overwhelmed by his job, at the prospect of the D, and worries about being a good father.
Have you tried just validating w/o expressing any opinions or suggestions? I mean absolutely no opinions - no books on co-parenting, no mention of sad memories. He already knows that the D will impact the kids, he knows he is losing his whole way of life - so there is really no need to remind him anymore. I know acting this way might make you feel like a empty shell of a doormat. I know that this is really hard for me to do!
As for the ILYs - I know when I was under a lot of pressure at work, I didn't always feel passion when I said ILY to The X. It was something I said - but didn't always think about what it meant at the moment. But didn't mean that I didn't love The X - it was just that I was too preoccupied to feel the love at that moment. So please don't take his analysis of his emotions about the ILY's too seriously. He was probably too overwhelmed by work to have the capacity to feel much of anything for anyone at those moments.
Hang in there. Your H is very confused - but he doesn't sound like he is ready to move on yet.
