My worst fears confirmed! Wife having EA/PA...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I know. That's what i read. I'm not seeing anything about what YOU sent to HER, to be able to judge if you're playing all high-and-mighty here or if you have genuinely owned your role in your own A, and now your wife is using it to justify hers.

I'm not seeing what others are alluding to. But then again, I've had a NUTSO day, and haven't been on here much.

PUppy

[25yearsmlc]

Well I am not saying it's tit for tat or the moral equivalency although... they may be...frankly, it this were a competition, I don't see that her actions are worse than his. As far as we know, the only proof (sorry but I am a L -but a nice person!- and get bogged down in what is known vs suspected vs mere pondering...) we have of anything on her end, is short lived, immature raunchy flirting....but that's not my point.

My point is that somehow I didn't get that he had had an A at at all, or that it was an "EA" long ago, as in, a "non-issue for the M" and now I see it differently...so when I read her post to the mutual friend, and she mentions the A of her h, I saw great pain in her. Definitely an unresolved issue for her at least.

The good news is that the pain means she is not indifferent but I was really really surprised to be reading that THIS h had had an A of this type (as opposed to a drunken one night stand, etc) and that you had done the whole myspace fishing thing, first, b/c the way you posted here, to me, seemed as if is you'd never do something like this and that out of nowhere, she does this to you..and you got all bogged down in snooping issues, and you said you'd leave HER for sure if she cheated...wth!?? That bugged me Jeff, okay? In fact it's a little odd to make that type of declaration, given the history, don't you think?

Then when I re-read the more recent posts about your A, and your words: "what's done is done" something in me felt like saying, "really? Easy for you to say..." Oh and guess what?" IT AIN"T 'DONE'..." But I don't want to hammer you anymore. Especially because I think there is real awareness now of your own issues and without letting her off the hook, you can see that SHE ended this and took him off myspace and not b/c you forced her to!! That should be very encouraging to you.

Please also note I see more hope here, b/c it's possible that part of her "motivation" (NOT justification, please, I get that) was to assure herself of her womanliness and attractiveness. MORE important than anything else she wrote/felt, IMHO, is that his affair rocked her world, so her perceptions of who she married and possibly her whole life, got shaken.


Gentlemen, I think you may recognize what I'm about to describe. When my h first drove off for yet more training away from family all so he could then leave for Alaska, without us, knowing this would likely end the M, with me and my 3 kids crying in the driveway, it took the floor out from under me. I was reeling with thoughts like "Who is this man? Isn't he the father of our children and a 'great guy'? OMG, if I'm this wrong about HIM, what else am I wrong about?"

I literally questioned my faith, my values, my worth, and had to really settle down and get a grip to move forward and remember to lean on God, family and supportive friends, find a good c, make the kids the priority, and let that guide me in all my confusion...

SO, who knows? Maybe she had a similar experience. To call it "unsettling" is a gross understatement. I can only imagine the type of pain and shock it must have been for her to learn of your A. And she is still discussing it when she says she is a stupid woman." From her tone she sounds incredibly embarrassed, and ashamed of her behavior. She discusses your A as if it rocked her world and got her to kind of act crazy. FWIW, I did not pick up any part of her saying "H made me do it" but more like feel she was saying, "I lost it when h had an A, and I haven't been the same since..." Her self description of being "a stupid woman" is sad. Really sad, and yes, foggy. Is she seeing a c?

Anyway, you say now you are having "real" talks, so that's great! Just listen to her a whole lot, and please don't forget to have good times together as a family and when you are ready, as a couple, (Sometimes we tend to do R talk so much we get really boring)

Make sure that she knows she can actually have fun with you too, so watch a comedy or take her to dinner and keep the talk light hearted, or see a comedian (support LIVE THEATER) or whatever SHE enjoys doing. Be the guy she fell in love with long ago. You said you've been a selfish h, so do some 180's. What does SHE like to do? Is there a place she's always wanted to go but you never got around to taking her? An activity she always wanted to do (sky diving? dance lessons? pottery? whatever) but with 4 kids, could not do.?? Figure it out. Are you anywhere near discussing some things to do, in the future? No pressure, but hope...goals...

And as for SD, oh...God that breaks my heart. The only parent she knows won't leave her is her mom. No wonder she's clinging. Teach her that you will always, no matter what, be there for HER. You are always going to be part of her family and she will always be part of yours. Please, this isn't just for the sd either.

Seriously. I'd ask and ask for time with her (as long as w doesn't feel threatened) so that sd knows she is wanted. Discuss with w, and if you get a chance, get the book "What About the Kids?"

Female input--- No mother is unmoved by the interaction of a father with her children. It's a turn on. (Not quite foreplay but close...) So when your w sees your concern for your boys AND the girl you've raised for years, it'll touch her. Again, be clear you are not overstepping your "rights" so she won't feel threatened, but do make it obvious to your stepdaughter that you love her as your own.

( j )

[Purple]

Clap for 25....well said (in not just this post either). CAn I get you to go talk to my h?

[Vdad]

Well I am not saying it's tit for tat or the moral equivalency although... they may be...frankly, it this were a competition, I don't see that her actions are worse than his. As far as we know, the only proof (sorry but I am a L -but a nice person!- and get bogged down in what is known vs suspected vs mere pondering...) we have of anything on her end, is short lived, immature raunchy flirting....but that's not my point. Not exactly. She believed she was in love with him. And was planning having a life with him. With our kids.

My point is that somehow I didn't get that he had had an A at at all, or that it was an "EA" long ago, as in, a "non-issue for the M" and now I see it differently...so when I read her post to the mutual friend, and she mentions the A of her h, I saw great pain in her. Definitely an unresolved issue for her at least.

25,

Thanks for all of that. Seriously I DO appreciate it. Please keep in mind that I have posted a lot through all kinds of emotions so I can't guarantee I make sense all of the time. Perhaps even contradicting myself. (wink)...

I am not minimizing my affair whats so ever. I am only saying in reference to myself not her that I have processed it all out of my system. I know she has been devastated by my EA. You are right she never saw it coming. I didn't see it coming. I should have known better than to go down that road AND I have ALWAYS guarded myself against such a thing in many different sitchs. I was VERY depressed on life issues and was seeking validation as a classic DA. I was horrible. It was horrible. It didn't destroy her but damn near close. I will always carry the burden of what I did through the rest of my life. I am not disconnected from that. I certainly did not intend to come across as indifferent to the pain I caused to her.

I defeminized her (if that's a word) I did all of the things you detailed above. My comment on divorcing her was out of line. I admit that. After rereading that I am not showing a lot of commitment to what I want.

She is an amazing woman. She is stronger than I ever knew. I don't ultimately know if she can reconnect with me. But I believe we can. What she did today was a HUGE step.

I am only seeking a opinions from the crew here to gain any insight I may not be seeing from my perspective. I can't always trust my perspective right now.

My relationship with my SD is great. She just needs time with Mom right now and I think its great. When she's ready I will "date" my daughter too! I am not leaving her behind just giving them some time and not trying to wedge in.

25 it's important to know from me I can't possibly feel worse about what I did. I own it completely and feel completely responsible for opening Pandora's Box. I have to man up and do the work and love her enough to give her the room to regain herself. I know her and she is in the process of owning her own part (that I triggered through my actions).

Thanks for the 2x4s.

Jeff

[Mellenmack]

Jeff,

You said "After rereading that I am not showing a lot of commitment to what I want." And I think you are right. In your posts, you did talk about the A, but you dismissed it as BTDT. You had accepted responsibility, and that's good. But she still hadn't come to terms with it. It is your personality to tackle a problem or project and then put it behind you, look to the next problem, tackle it, and then put it behind you. This a marriage, not a problem. Or perhaps you could consider it ongoing project.

What my hunch is....is that your authoritativeness and Type A personality is killing your marriage. You were ready to crucify her on the cross. That's not a marriage, bub. That's a dictatorship. Who assigned you to be judge and jury over her transgressions, when she didn't even assign HERSELF to be judge and jury over yours???

She is hurt. She does need to see a C. For herself.

Something else. You are complaining about her not working. I would like you to talk about that more. Not the complaining bit, but why doesn't she work? When you got married, did she just say "I'm not working" or did ya'll AGREE she would stay home to be there for four kids. (Lord, she's a better woman than me, if that's what she agreed to.) Did you ask HER to stay home for the kids? I don't want to here about how she is going to have to figure out a job if ya'll divorce. I want to hear about how it got this way to begin with. Has she ever worked?

I truly truly truly believe she was hurt and didn't know how to handle it. At some point you probably told her the A was over and to just get over it. Or maybe that you weren't going to discuss it with her anymore?? Or maybe you told her that you thought it was best not to discuss and then refused to. I don't know. Probably at that point, she did start distancing herself. Who can blame her? You have done the same thing.

Ugh. My advice. Not that I am a wealth of knowledge. But you both go to C, including MC, and prolly IC, too. She probably doubts herself and her ability to make a decision. Especially if you have always been there to direct the family. When you had the EA, you took away her safety net. It's hard to trust you, but then, it's hard to trust herself again too. She trusted that she had made the right decision to put her heart in your hands and then to find out she was wrong....it friggin hurts. My stitch. I had the PAs. But he had As with alcohol...something nobody can compete with. I lost my safety net. I lost my faith in him. I lost feeling like he would always put me first.

Anyway. I am done for today. Not sure what else I can tell you. You can read my stitch. My H game me the alone time I desperately needed to realize that I did love him, even though I know we have problems. There was a point. There still is a point. That I am just waiting for him to wake TFU, ride in on this stupid white horse, tell me he loves me, hold me, and say we'll work it all out and to please just....please.

We'll see. Good luck. Sorry for the 2x4s. Please keep posting here. We all want to read about success stories. It gives us hope.

Mel

[Vdad]

Mel,

I know she is hurt. Just so you know we are both seeing the same Christian Psychologist for IC. We haven't begun MC at this point with him as I don't think she is ready. So that is happening.

The type A analysis is a good observation I will think through that. My priorities have been out of whack throughout our marriage. I am making huge changes on that front. I don't think I ever appointed myself judge and jury over her. But, maybe subconsciously its coming out in my words. Yet another area for growth if it is true.

The working part has a lot to do with her EA. she didn't have much left to put into that area. She has worked throughout marriage, except for a 3 year stretch when I was earning big$ and she wanted to spend time at home with the kids. I was all for it. things have changed and we need her to help with some income now. She knows this and is trying. Alot of my earlier posts were probably filled with frustration during the time immediately preceding and after finding out about the affair. I was a bit of a basket case.

Good point on her heart and trust and how I let her down, shook the foundation of everything she thought she could rely on.

I am feeling your own pain in your words on my sitch. i hope you get all of what you desire in your marriage. Thank you for sharing your insight on mine with me. The female brain can be somewhat mysterious to me at times...

I feel like we will be a success story at some point. There is a lot of healing that has to happen for that though. I see that now. But at least, for now, it appears she is shutting down the emotional pipeline out of our marriage. Which will allow her to focus on herself and hopefully in time on US again. I need to do the same. i need to become a better man and get ready to be the husband she has always deserved.

Take care and come back and chat here..

Jeff

[Vdad]

Journaling,

Having another "separated weekend". She is at her GF home. Not sure if she will be back tonight or not. I am spending every weekend at home with the boys now. Its good and I get us out doing things but I find the weekends hard.

We are separating soon and find I'm in a limboland.

Anyway just jotting down a few thoughts..

Jeff

[25yearsmlc]

Vdad,

Welcome to limboland...btdt...all of us, usually. So, buckle up and get ready for the emotional ride you're taking. It will take longer than you realize but that's that.
You know it's worth it, so be strong and show her you care and are willing to work things out. Great news about the IC you are seeing.

But remember there is so much hope in your sitch, b/c you know you do love your w and she does love you.

(( j ))

[25yearsmlc]

Clap for 25....well said (in not just this post either). CAn I get you to go talk to my h?

Sorry for the hijack Jeff, but Purple, I can't find your current thread cuz it's locked! Where are you now?
( j )

[Purple]

sorry for double hijack Jeff but, 25mlc, I bumped my thread for you. Haven't posted in some time though.