Well...

[SDFoundGirl]

CL and Jen! Thanks for stopping by and adding your thoughts and support.

CL, your thoughts are so on target. For me, I know my frustration for his continued issues with communication, his need to fix everything for everybody (even when it sacrificed time for us or things I'd asked for), my fear that after all of this, we were headed down the same path, etc. definitely spilled through. I'd brought these things to a few conversations, something that was a big deal for me as I'd always been afraid and never asked for what I wanted. His reply has always been, "I'm doing my best."

He is still afraid to speak up, and I guess my work is to make it easier to talk to me...I guess you could say it's an obstacle, even if I don't know what I'm doing to be so intimidating. I've worked really hard on being a good listener and not reacting. Heck, the fact that I have been able to pretty much hide how I'm feeling about him contacting LW is testament to that. Ideas on how to help him feel more comfortable?

Another obstacle is that he has continued contact with LW because of work. It's better than it was because he switched to part-time so he could start his own business from home and do the things he enjoys more (which was a great move for many, many reasons). However, he still has to associate with her. Most of the calls have been pretty short...3, 8, 12 minutes. However, from time to time, there are those long ones, and those are the ones that worry me. He's also gotten savvy enough to delete all of his calls to/from her on his phone--I've checked periodically and only found something twice. So, he's become sneakier and he knows he's wrong.

BUT...I can't do anything about that. What I CAN do is be the better, shiny-er option. Since the new year I've reinvested in my appearance, wearing much sexier clothes even around the house. I am stepping it up in terms of things we can do together, and I make sure I'm fully present when we spend time together. I see the benefits of these changes for our R *and* for my own well-being.

H wants to be a hero, a pleaser, a martyr. I am a pretty strong person...but I do let him help me when he can.

I just don't want to spend the rest of my life with one eye open...but I guess that's really work I need to do on myself, hmm?

SD