SD, I'm thinking some more about short-term consequences. I believe there are things we can do that can have an immediate impact on the R. There are also solutiions, that will take longer to have an impact on the R. There are also aspects of our spouses, that no matter what we do, will have no impact, or will only have an impact if we remove certain obstacles.
This is our dilemma when we have a situation like yours and mine, that cannot be tolerated indefinitely. Can we influence the situation so that our spouses no longer have to engage in unhealthy ways of coping with stress?
Even if we set strong limits with an ultimatum, have we removed the obstacles that influence the unhealthy behavior? I can give my W an ultimatum about sleeping elsewhere, but than she would feel trapped in a life she finds overwhelming. She needs more skills, and a different way of living.
I'm not sure what the obstacles are to your H's happiness. Do you have an opinion as to why he seeks out an EA? In my W's case, I need to help her manage household stress, keep myself happy and joyful, and do what I can to contribute to her happiness.
You sound like you are coping so well in so many ways. In what areas do you need to improve upon or do differently? How are you at practicing goodwill towards your H, or being empathatic to his struggles, or keeping joy in your life, or being more open and curious to the problems in your R, versus resentful, fearful, and judgmental?
CL
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 02/01/0904:14 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
