You shouldn't tell him how disappointed you are for the exact reason that you shouldn't let him continue conversations that are negative. It gives him that much more to live down before he comes back to you... granted that is IF he comes back. Nonetheless, there is no reason to make it difficult unless you wouldn't have him back.
Also, it isn't healthy to say every angry thought that comes into your mind. That's the very thing your H is guilty of when he says things that he'll feel differently about later. It's very easy to have feelings of the moment (both as the WA and LBS), it doesn't help anyone to let it all out in the name of some self-righteous honesty. It may hurt a little to swallow it now, but you'll be able to look back and say you never took a cheap shot. Let's face it, he is an easy target right now, isn't he? --z
You are right, the dreaded voice of reason. That would shut the door even more. And he is an easy target. We do what is hard. I guess that includes loving them when it is hard.
Jackie....do you really want to say all those things to him? Or is the anger and hurt so much that you can't think of anything else but to hurt him back? I know it is hard...but you have to start forgiving.....yourself first.....he say IF..that is a good sign...look for the good things..as far as relatives....don't tell too much that you might regret....your problems are between the two of you and no one else needs to know all the nitty gritty, they will make it all up anyways if they want to. I guess I can't see it as him running away..just an honest approach to trying to find out what he needs........is it fair that they leave us with the home and kids and all that junk..no...but we have to try and continue on with our lives and work on all the junk with ourselves that contributed to part of the mess.
Just caught up (again) and a few points not pointed out in the GREAT recent posts.
1. The book on Divorce/Kids and how he was upset that you had it - that was DETACHMENT at work!! You have to get to the point where he isn't sure if the door is still open to come back.
2. The sex question - some would say that is good to continue, comunication etc. I would say no out of self-respect but I'm not even a woman or in your shoes so what the hell do I know!!
H and I had a great R talk tonight, I am still on newcomers. Anyway, what my H told me tonight is that he feels that he has missed out on so much because of the decisions he has made and because of the OLD me, etc... So my H is really trying to figure things out and not resent me so he can have fun with me again and then heal our marriage.
The reason I am telling you this is because you need to "set him free" so to speak inorder for the greater good of your marriage. It is sooo not right, not fair, etc.... but after my saga I think if I hang in there we will make it. I think the same for you. My saga started 1 1/2 yrs. ago so it is a loonnnngggg battle for sure. I know you can do it!
Sue, they are the things I want to say when I'm angry. I know not to say them as that would do more damage than good. Being strong includes keeping my mouth shut. Just some days the injustice of it all hits me.
DB, good to see you! Detachement, me? It is a long time coming. Sex is so weird, I am his wife. It does keep us connected, but you have a point, where is my self-respect? I guess if I really felt he didn't love me, I couldn't do it. I think he does, he just can't find it admit all the mess.
Nik, glad to have met you and that you are a bit down the road on this and have some insights as to what they are thinking. I do believe I need to let him go to get him back. It is so very hard. Part of me wishes he didn't do the "hotel think time" so I wouldn't have to go through the pain of leaving again. But since I'm not driving this ride, jsut along for the bumps.
He did inform me that he won't be home Saturday night, won't tell me where he is going. S6 said, why not, he just told him he had to work. So many questions, is he coming back on Sunday, is this some test of me, can I handle the weekend? I'm not going to say another word about it, jsut go with the flow. Don't escalate the problem.
It's a good thing to not share the angry thoughts with him. You're right that it is an injustice and his behavior is inconsistent to the point of frustration. You can rant and rave here. I did it for months. It helped me in two ways. First, by being forced to write it out, I caught some of my own inconsistencies. Second, I just got it off of my chest. Not everything we think or feel is written in stone, and as DBers a big part of what we have to do is get over it. Hang in there. --z
PS: He might be testing to see how you react to him disappearing for a night. He might just be an alien who wants privacy. What do you suppose he thinks you'd do in this situation? Is a 180 warranted here?
Good point z, what would I normally do? I would probably argue with him, debate the point of him going for just one night. Grill him on where he is going to be. Keep making my same point over and over and over.
So I will not mention it again, I will plaster a smile on my face and make some plans with the kids to just hang out and have fun! And not pout or cry.
And you are right, some of the rants give me insights to my own mind that I was too busy to notice.
