In the whole grand scheme of things, your w has a free will and it won't matter if you back off or not, she will still do as she pleases.
I don't think it allows her the freedom, since if she wanted to go skiing she would regardless of how you felt.
The best you can do is not answer your phone, besides you have a busy life too that doesn't include her fully right now. She will need to reflect on her poor behavior at some point. She can't see that right now, nor is she ready to face it.
Remember, don't answer her calls and when she comes home you are busy but friendly. Something like w I am glad you are home, did you have a good time. When she says yes you just say good. Then you say hey I have some plans I will be home later. You see then you can leave and scream and yell all you want without her even knowing.
Good luck! Keep us posted!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Hey jeff, I am going to be as blunt as possible here ok?
You cannot over complicate all of this. I think you need a crash course in the basics. I believe you are over thinking your processes and I want to maybe help you with a technique that might help.
I want you to think of this like it's obedience training. The key to obedience training is rewarding good behavior and punishing the bad. Did you really read that, rewarding good behavior and punishing the bad. It did not say rewarding good behavior and ignoring the bad.
The thing is Jeff, you have boundaries within yourself, and only you know what those boundaries are. If she is breaking one, do not ignore it, that comes off as acceptance and the behavior will surely be repeated because as far as they are concerned it is ok. You have to learn to express your boundaries otherwise you end up as a doormat. You do not want to lose yourself throughout this process.
One more thing and then I have to run.....
I don't want to hear that BS about when do you know you have had enough. 3 weeks ago you were in hog heaven. This is a roller coaster and if your not prepared for the downs as well as the ups then you may as well walk now. It's not a short walk my friend, more like a marathon. Your either in it for the long haul or you aren't.
Just wanted to drop by real quick. Hang in there my friend. Your doing alright. Everyone has those moments, feel them then let'em go. Keep pressing forward and living for you right now.
GG she will do what she wants your right, I guess the key is to keep busy.
Ian,
Blunt is good I am in this for the long haul. I guess I was over thinking it, I realize this is a roller coaster but I find it hard sometimes knowing were she is.
I have a question regarding the punishing bad behaviour point. I was under the impression that by acknowleding or speaking to their bad behaviour it pushes them away, and by not responding to it doesn't validate what they are doing because you are not giving them a reaction.
In the beginning I told her that it was inappropriate to do what she was doing but she did it anyway in defiance. Thoughts?
T,
I will keep plugging away I am going to speak to my DB coach hopefully monday or tuesday for a tune up. Tonight I went to a birthday party with my neighbour, it was fun to socialize and get out, at the party I was introduced to a woman who was interesting we chatted and I got the feeling she was interested in me. Now by no means would I pursue this I am commited to saving my marriage but it did give me a boost to my ego and it showed me the merits of getting out and meeting people.
Jeff
ME 44 W 32 M 5 T 6
no kids
June 08 I don't want to be married it's not you it's me
Jeff, Sometimes when we see a little bit of progress our expectations go up. Then when they revert back to the crisis mode we get discouraged. The rollercoaster is up and down w/them because of their emotions all of the time. It's important to step off the coaster and allow her to ride it to the completion of her crisis.
One of the main things is to not be readily available to her all of the time. You have your own life to live, things to do and that even means, not responding to her calls all of the time. It's time to allow her to play and also understand that you are not going to be available to her 24/7....she needs time to be all alone and think about what she's doing and to think about the fact that maybe you are living your life to the fullest.
No one says that you have to accept bad behavior. Do not become a door mat. If the bad behavior is being demonstrated to you, use good judgment and call her on it. She's like a child right now testing the water in both ponds, hers and yours. There is a right and wrong way of calling them on their bad behavior and you will know when and how to deal w/it. Just remember, she's a teenager right now and not the woman you once knew.
I'm very glad to see you went to a party and had a good time.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, She didn't try to call all weekend so I didn't get a chance to ignore her, but she did call sunday afternoon. She had her mother come over and clear out some shelving units that we are giving her brother. While she was there my wife called and my mother in law picked up. They chatted and my wife asked to talk to me My wife asked how my weekend was and I told her it was good but I didn't ask her how her weekend was, but made cheery small talk then the conversation ended with her wanting to talk to her mother again. Her mother later told me that my wife thought that I was mad at her. I was cheerful on the phone but she must be sensitive because she knows she is being bad.
Anyway today she tried calling and I didn't pick up I eventually answered one of her texts. She came home after work and went out to go spinning. I went to the gym. I wasn't home when she got home because I had to run out and get some things, when I got home she asked me where I went I just said the truth saying that I went out to pick some things up, funny thing is she didn't believe me saying that I was being vague but in fact it was the truth. I am not sure what is going through her mind but I guess she is wondering what I am up to because I don't respond to her every call and I don't tell her everything.
She tells me where she is going if it is harmless but is vague when it's inappropriate.
Tomorrow I am going to my cousins for dinner but will just say I am going out.
This time I didn't speak directly to the ski weekend because from the phone call and me not talking about the weekend she got the hint that I didn't approve by her response to her mother. I will continue to be cheerful and pleasant but mysterious. I hope that someday she will come out of the fog.
ME 44 W 32 M 5 T 6
no kids
June 08 I don't want to be married it's not you it's me
