Matilda, My W's perspective is that if I'm not in IC, than I don't care about the intimacy issue. I'm not sure what an IC can tell me at this point. I was hoping for joint sessions, so that she could hear another perspective besides mine.
I was also hoping that the changes I've implemented in the past month would be more helpful--cooking a weekly meal, hiring a housecleaner, putting puppy in daycare, joining world travel group. They have helped, and life would be far more difficult, if I didn't pursue them.
She still has problems with stress management--irritability, mood swings, anxiety. It's hard to spend long periods of alone time with her, as she manages to veer the topic towards problems and complaining about them.
She's planning on spending 10-15K on putting a shower in the basement so we no longer have to share the same bathtub. It drives her nuts to see my hair floating in her tub. I try to clean up after myself, but it's hard to be perfect about it.
I'm hoping the world travel group will be the doing something different in her life that has a significant impact. She's excited about it.
I think until we get her stress managed, and she finds a lifestyle that is enjoyable to her, we're not going to make any significant progress in the intimacy department. Her expectation that I be intimate with her under any circumstance is not realistic.
Her irritablility, and negativity, keeps me at a distance. Who wants to be close to someone after they've told you how terrible a person you are? I can't work on my intimacy issues with a chronically stressed-out person. That's the relational part of the equation, that she fails to see.
The challenge is to practice goodwill, compassion, keep joy in my life, and not be reactive even with the unpleasantness. I believe one of the lessons of M is to learn to love even when it's unpleasant or difficult.
I've come to realize that Acting As If is the practice of self-restraint of negative emotions for the purpose of doing no harm or promoting connection. Self-restraint also involves being open to the idea that I don't understand everything about my situation, so I need to refrain from judgment.
There is no escape, and nothing I can do to control my W. I must simply face this with love, and then let things fall where they may.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
