KAW--thanks for such an encouraging post. Sometimes a reminder of why I'm doing this is needed.
The angry mode is starting to creep in. Why shouldn't I tell him how dissapointed I am in him? He doesn't have the courage or strength to look at the problems or deal with them, he wants to run away....dig a hole in the sand and stick his head in. Yet I love this man. Someone who tells me they have no feelings for me, can't love me, lost that feeling, won't ever come back. Am I just a glutton for punishment, do I hate failure that much that I'm sticking on to someone that doesn't want me? Am I that desperate to be a married woman? To not have my pain on display for the public...poor Jackie, her husband walked out on her and the kids.
Why does a certain spark of glee enter when I think I can paint my bedroom any color I want, build a porch out back (is it really necessary to dig down to build a porch, can't you just pour cement on top of grass and save all that trouble), I don't have to wipe up the bathroom sink every morning. But those are only material things, but if I was truly happy in my M, would I have those thoughts? Does putting someone else first just become so exhausting the though of not doing it suddenly becomes appealing.
But then the thoughts of no one loves me, I'm unloveable creep into my conscious and I want to lash out at him for making me doubt me so much. ugh. I just want to tell him I think he is a coward. A liar. A selfish narcissist. (redundant) But I love him, how messed up is that.
