The house is on the market

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia, wow, I am sorry things hitting you harder at the moment, but its not surprising. THere were things in your post which I wanted to reply to, but feel free to ignore me, as you know your sitch/mind best!

That would mean I would come out with exactly nothing and I really don't think anyone can say I have not put my part into this marriage.

...No, you have come out of the M with your head held high. You haven't lied, or been avoidant, or left your supportive, loving H for a OM you met at work, without telling him. You have not been vengeful, or hurtful, or angry or mean to him in any way. So.. its not about the money IMHO. Ok, so you walk away with nothing, but you know you dont have to have regrets or guilt over your behaviour, you can take the moral highground and have peace of mind in the future. If you ask for what wasnt yours to begin with, perhaps you lose that upperhand? Perhaps thats not the right thing to do, morally?

Also, you said

I have mostly forgiven him for these things and I will move on but I am hurt and I need to look after myself

Again, its not about money. You do need to forgive him in time compleletly, for yourself, its not good to hang onto that stuff, but I would rather walk away with nothing and my head held high than let the end of the R descend into an argument over money and whose is rightfully whose.

Most importantly though, you said...

She is still my coach...what i am doing seems to be working. I suppose you cannot put a time limit on these things and I can only go at his pace. If he goes to slowly and misses the boat with me then that is his loss...I think at the moment what i am doing is working in terms of his interactions with me, in terms of whether it is wanting me back or anything to do with ow - only time will tell I suppose.

So, you are still DBing him, you still hope for reconciliation (whilst moving on with your life) and still would take him back if he turned up on your door tommorow? Well, if thats the case you should DEFINETLY not ask for half the money. Hows that going to ingratiate yuorself to him? If I were him and my ex was demanding more than they had contributed and money my DAD had given me, and they knew that, I would feel angry at them and feel that they were being vengeful and I would feel very hurt that they would do that to my Dad (who I love to bits). You see what I am saying?? He's already insinuated he wants his Dad's money back and feels awkward about it, so it might not help your goal if you antagonise him.

Maybe you should see what he offers you, financially. Me and my last ex before this one lived together, I bought a house, which we moved into, but the mortgage was in my name only. We werent M so Citizens Advice and my solicitor said, legally he wasnt entitled to a penny as he had only contributed to the interest, not the capital, when he left me for an OW (he wanted me back 6 months later, but it was too late by then!!). But, I felt he was entitled as he had lived there, so I gave him several thousand pounds, being half, the then equity, to set him up for the future. Morally it was the right thing to do.

So... if your H wants all the money back he put in, after all this time and after he M you (and you didnt sign a prenup!) and after the way he has left the M...and yet doesnt see that you deserve half and lets just forget the original investment, then perhaps that points to something in him thats not that admirable? Just something to think about maybe..

Al xxx